Moving on...

I've been thinking about this long and hard and I do believe that the time has come for me to move on to a greener pasture. Why hurt the ones we love?

The dream

Last night I had one of the most vivid and insane dreams I've had in ages.

I was the king's only concubine in a world filled with wives. I was treated as second to the devil, the only reason I was even in my position was because of my eyes, the ability to see the future had made me invaluable. The only problem was that I wasn't from their culture, so, I couldn't be given wife status, I had to be less...The wives all hated me so much, I could feel it when I would pass them on my way to the king's chamber yet again. We lived in a modern sort of building, with glass sliding doors breaking the house into various sections. Each section was perfectly designed to suit it's purpose, there was even a conference room with a giant table and a water cooler in it. The conference room was where the wives would lock me when they thought they could get away with it, but most times, the king found out what they had done and bring down all hell on them. I was by far more beautiful than all of his wives, save maybe the youngest one, she was barely fourteen. The older wives treated her almost as poorly as they treated me, staining her clothes with their own blood to prevent the master from calling on the young girl at night. In their culture if a woman was bleeding she was not to be touched, and even would be put out of the house sometimes, forced to stay in a separate hut, in the poorer homes these women would be kept in the fields with the animals that were in heat.

The king would call upon the young one and if she showed any signs of bleeding again, for he thought she was always bleeding, he would then call on me. If for some reason I didn't answer his call, usually due to being locked away somewhere, I would be beaten the next day within an inch of my life, while all of the older wives snickered, watching with such great pleasure. The king loved to take me after his slaves had cleaned all of the blood off of my body and use me right there in front of everyone, as yet another form of punishment for not answering his call. It was terrible. One day after he had used me in such a fashion, he took his youngest wife and locked her in his chamber for a week. We could hear her begging him to stop at all hours, crying out in pain which sometimes would be mixed with the tiniest bit of pleasure. When he finally let her go, she was no longer a girl, she was fully a woman now, knowing all the evils and pleasures that a man can bring to her.

When the new moon rose, there was two empty places in the hut, we were both pregnant. For her life became so much easier, for me, it only got more difficult, now that I was with child, the king would not call on me at all, leaving his older wives to their devices. I spent a lot of time in that conference room. The older wives sent the table out to be repaired, and all of the chairs one by one slowly disappeared. I was left in there for weeks sometimes before the king would notice that I was missing. It was terrible. These women were so cruel, hating me because of the child that was growing in me would move me up in status if it was a boy. For if I bore a male child, he would be the only heir to the throne. My only fears were of the young wife, if she bore a male child, there would be no use for me and my son, we would be sent out into the wilderness to die. As we both grew large together, this child wife and I grew closer, she would bring me food when I was locked in that damn glass room with a view of nothing.

Finally our times came, we both went into labor on the same day, she called for me when her first pains started, scared of the older women and what they might do to her and her child. The king was away. I was having difficulties keeping her calm, for every one of her pains would cause me to double over also. The message was sent to the king and he arrived on the second day of our labor. She was going to give birth soon, he had her prepared by the doctor and sat with her the entire time, I was sent to the conference room by him of all people! I was indignant and in too much pain to put up a fight. I was left alone in the room, but there was something different this time, there was a small black phone in the corner of the room. I sat waiting. Who did I know now anyway to call? Everyone from my town had been murdered and those of us that had survived were in no position to help each other. I heard the screams coming from down the hall, her labor was in full force now, her child would be born first...My water broke, I knew my time was close. I screamed and begged the guards to send for the doctor, they ignored me. I begged for one of the wives to come and help me, they laughed in my face and told me they hoped I died during child birth.

Terrified beyond belief now, I started to consider the phone again. Who would I call? Who would help me? I heard the king yell for someone to call the media, his heir had been born. Then it struck me. The papers would help me. They would love to print this story. I dialed a number that had been ground into my head by my mother as a child, a precaution she would call it. I knew the number of every paper within two hundred miles of our small town. I dialed, breathing so hard I could barely talk. Pain ripping me in two. The king's guards were too damn busy with all the commotion down the hallway, they would never notice one little call going out. Someone finally answers on the other end, I begin to tell my story, how I'm the king's concubine. The person on the other end of the line says that this king has never taken a concubine and never would for he was the child of just such a union, only becoming king because their weren't any other male heirs. The voice on the other end of the line tells me that they are going to hang up, I beg them, the screams of my labor rip through my mouth instead. I tell them that right now there is going to be a call coming from the king to his paper announcing the birth of his son, to try to prove my identity, to try to get help. I start panting, the baby is close to coming, I can feel the head beginning to crown. I tell the person on the other end of the line, that my child and I are going to be left to die, if they don't help me. I promise to give him the story of his life if he'll just help me. The line goes dead...I look up to find the one of the guards standing over me. I can't fight, the baby is coming. I beg for help. Finally the doctor comes in. Four minutes later the doctor is announcing the birth of the king's second son, but the pains don't stop for me, I'm screaming bloody murder now, the doctor thinks that I'm dying, I'm losing too much blood, he tries to staunch the flow, only to find another head crowning, I push with all that is left in me, as I fade out, I hear the magic words, another son. I had twin boys. I fall unconscious.

That's all I remember, I woke up for a second in so much pain that I thought the dream was real. I dozed back off to try and find the end of my story...It never came to me.

One last walk on the beach...

It was so nice that I got to spend my last day here by myself for the most part. J is still golfing with his partners, and I've got a little bit of time before the limo comes.

Walking along the beach with my feet and legs being kissed by the Gulf is so relaxing. There are twice as many dead fish on the sand as there was yesterday, but I'm starting to get used to it. As you walk along you can see which ones just washed up and which have been out here for at least a week. The older ones are almost completely bleached out by the sun, with barely anything left but bone. The farther down the beach I went, the more I noticed the erosion, while I've been here the Gulf has reclaimed a huge portion of the beach. Some of the houses that are closest to the water have built retaining walls around their homes in a feeble attempt to stop the water from creeping up. One home owner has admitted defeat and removed all of their belongings from the house. The last 20 yards or so of the dunes have been completely washed away. To get to the beach now, the last few houses would need to but in at least 10 steps, it's way to steep of a drop off now to just walk to the beach. I found some really cool shells down at this part, they were stuck into what's left of the dune wall. All up and down the beach you see the remnants of sandbags, these people's homes are worth millions of dollars and the Gulf is just ready to gobble them up. I wish I would have had my camera with me.

I'm starting to feel at home here. That's not a good thing. This will never be my slice of paradise. I've got to remember that this is just borrowed time, and sooner or later it will come to an end. It was almost forced into a premature death at the beginning of the week. J has got to be more careful about these things.

Last night, Brent, one of J's partners got a bit too drunk, tracked me down and kissed me when I was trying to do some laundry. I think J had an idea of what he was up to and came around the corner just as Brent went back to the kitchen the other way. All during dinner, Brent had my foot in his lap and was giving me a massage. Honestly, I think he has a small death wish. He isn't an equal partner to J, so J is still his boss, and he's going to try to get with the bosses girlfriend? Talk about stupid. I know J knows what was going on last night, I know he's suspicious as to whether or not I like Brent, well, he's got nothing to worry about. Brent isn't close to being my type. Besides, why would I leave J, for someone who just got divorced and had to split up all of that asbestos money? My life may not be perfect right now, and J may get on my nerves a lot, but for the most part, we have a good thing going. I'm not going to jeopardize any of that. The only way I'm leaving J is when I truly find love, or, when I'm able to fully stand on my own two feet.

Headed back to the cold.

I fly back into the arms of the winter that is waiting for me at home. Thank goodness I have my nice new comfy bed and warm blankets waiting for me at home. I bet that the little kitties are going to be so happy to have their mommy home. This trip wasn't to bad. J invited a couple of his partners down for a few days. We all went golfing yesterday. I stink at golf. After the first few holes, I was grateful to have my book, "Vamped" with me. I gave up the clubs for a glass of champagne and my book. Damn good book too! I'm so glad it was suggested to me. Anyway, as we got to the sixth hole, I looked up to find that there were dozens of crows everywhere! Just screaming at us. You know that most of those birds ended up following us around the course, my phone would ring every time I was lost in thought, of course thinking of you. The caller was UNKNOWN, I didn't answer. I've decided not to answer anymore UNKNOWNS, nine times out of ten it's just a damn telemarketer. Yet, I couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe it was you trying to reach me. Why do you still dominate my thoughts? Why does everything make me think of you? Why do I see too many coincidences in my life?

Shit, I need to get moving, I've got a bunch of laundry to do before I go home, and of course I need to pack...

JD who?

Here I was thinking that I have finally pushed you out of my mind...

I'm walking down the beach with J, it's a gorgeous day by the Gulf, the sand is so white and perfect. As we walk along I start to notice how much the shape of the beach has changed in the last week, now there is this little lagoon that's probably about 5 feet deep at the center and runs for about a hundred yards down the beach. We navigate our way around the lagoon towards the back side on our way up the beach, there are dead fish every few yards, the birds have begun to flock in areas where the fish are the largest, picking away. I avert my eyes the first few times, it is making my stomach turn. The further I go down the beach, the closer I get to the death of the Gulf, the results of a really bad Red Tide. In the distance I see something that I swear is a hallucination. Out in the middle of this gorgeous day with the sun shining down on the sand I see flashes of royal blue in the distance, I rub my eyes, it's got to be a hallucination. Am I really seeing a plastic royal blue picnic table with benches and a matching umbrella? Rub those eyes again in disbelief, yup, it's still there. I look a bit closer, there appears to be a big beautiful bald guy sitting there working on his laptop. As I get closer a raven cries in the distance, I don't see it, but I know it's close by. Thoughts that I wanted to forget come crashing down on me. I see you in this man, as I get closer to him he pulls his shades on. I can see now that he is talking into a phone, with that damn headphone, just like I have...More thoughts come crashing home in my brain. I swear that the reason he/you put on the sunglasses is so that I wouldn't notice those brilliant blue eyes. I walk past him/you and swear that it's you, my mind will accept no other possibilities. I keep looking back over my shoulder trying to figure it all out, trying to put it together. J is babbling something about how ridiculous it is to have your laptop at the beach. I look at him, disgusted. I try to put these thoughts of you out of my head and my heart...On we walk, I pray that he/you are gone before we come back that way. NO SUCH LUCK! On the way back, there he/you is again he/you pulls on the sunglasses as I approach with J a few steps behind me now. My pace increases, I start to veer towards this royal blue Mecca in the middle of my crisp white beach, he/you gets up and walks out to the water. I stare after him/you trying to decide what I should do when J catches up with me, I realize how ridiculous of a notion it is that you would be here. So, I let you go...Again.

It's a beach day...

It's absolutely gorgeous here today. I just got in a little bit ago, and then we went out for a quick breakfast. Today is the day that I've been dreading, J's wife has finally gotten wind of me. The limo driver accidentally told her that he had another pick up headed back to her house, a female...She's not too happy right now, but she still got on the plane on her way back to the 'burgh. She's buying the lies he's feeding her about me being LJ's friend, which once was true, but now LJ and I don't even speak because of me being with J. The boys always stick together though, and they are all backing up each other's stories. Shit, he's on his way back in...

Lost in thought

I finally got everything packed and then I started in on the iTunes again...This time I'm trying to make some playlists. I've been thinking about you too damn much again, it's fucking driving me insane that all I think about is you, even after you hurt me so much. I compiled a few great playlists of songs about how I feel, and since those feelings are constantly changing, so does the theme of the lists. I can actually focus, the meds are helping...Thank you doctors for finally tapping into my dysfunctional brain, but as any good manic personality, I'll be off of these just as soon as I think I'm fine. I think that these will help me finally quit smoking weed, or at least for as long as I'm taking the damn things. There is a pill for everything these days, even for ailments that we didn't even know we had. I have been craving blood again, but have behaved so far. It's easy to behave when you can't take your kit on the plane, yes, somethings we should grow out of by now, but how do you grow out of something you just started and love so much? Listening to some old Tori Amos right now...Love her! Okay, so much for the meds working, I just read over what I've written so far, and I'm all over the place as usual, maybe I need to build up a reserve of this shit in my system...Or maybe, this is just the way I think.

Listening to Tori is making me crave pussy, I bet she's tasty as all hell. I really need to find a girl again, these are the times that I miss Ms. Lips, I don't even care that she's not into guys, actually to be quite honest, that's what I find so fucking appealing about her. She hasn't been tainted by the male of the species. I've been talking to her again from time to time, but I'm always away, and she's always working. Now that she lives in the rocks, it makes it a lot harder for me to accidentally run into her. Oh well, she's had several chances, and screwed up every time! Yet, I like her. I've always liked her, that's why it pissed me off to no end that she lied to me. What is it with me and liars? I must have a tattoo on my forehead that says, "Lie to me, I'm a sucker!" My hubby's going to fall over when he reads this shit...

I wish I would have had a chance to hook up with the dj again this time. Damn, I get all wet just thinking about the way that he abused me last time. Finally, I've found someone who isn't afraid to hurt me, I know I look fragile, but I can take a lot. I was dreaming about him last night, to the point that I felt his hands wrapping around my throat again, slowly choking me while ramming his enormous rippling hard cock into my slippery tight pussy. Eyes rolling back in my head as he whispers in my ear, "I'll be gentle at first", over and over again. If this is gentle, mmmm, I can't wait to see what's next.

To be perfectly honest, the person that I want most, is the one I'll never really possess again, my hubby. My hubby has told me some stories about the women he's been abusing in NY, while he's there for business. My only question, why hasn't he ever treated me in this fashion? I waited and waited for him to show that side of himself to me, but for some reason he won't do it. He knows that I'm into it, so why I ask you does he keep this side of himself for strangers?

Another trip...

This weekend was filled with girly activities and we had a great time! They went nuts over my new bed...I'm not sure if they liked the fact that it's a king size more or that it's, to quote one of them, "a Swedish Tempurpedic sleep system". I think they are watching a bit too much television. I took them to the gym again this weekend, they love it there! They want me to join, but I'm not sure if it's worth the money, I'm hardly in town anymore.

My flight leaves at 7:30 AM, I still haven't packed...ta ta for now.

Valentine trip to FL

Well, this last trip to FL was by far a thousand times better than the one before. First, I wasn't sick at all, and second, I'd finally been able to snap myself back into the actress mode. I'm able to smile pretty whenever J is around, no matter how much it may make my stomach turn! It's so much easier to get what I want from him when I'm nice, but honestly it is so damn hard to be nice all of the time to someone you despise. I know, you are probably wondering how I can despise someone who provides everything for me and my children, but let me just give you an example of what I have to deal with on an every day basis. First, the shit head refers to me as "talent", I'm not "local talent", unless we are in PA, in FL, I'm just "talent". "Talent" in his world equals hookers for those of you not in the know. So, he goes about his life referring to me as the "talent" he flew in for the week, etc., to me this is very demeaning, yes, I know that he pays for all of my life, but I would much rather be referred to as his girlfriend, than as a hooker, because everywhere we go, people just give me these funny looks, his male friends try to corner me when he isn't looking to try and get a little...I'm not giving them the time of day let alone anything else. Second, he is always touching me in public in incredibly lewd ways, yes, I like to have public sex, but only by my choice and only with someone HOT! The other day he kept trying to put his hand up my skirt in one of his wife's favorite restaurants in FL, the owner who is a good friend of hers, kept her eye on us the entire time, fuck face kept it up, no matter what I told him about being watched, he just didn't care, it's like he wants his wife to find out. Anyway, I could go on and on about the things he does that just turn me off, but why waste the time? Let's just say that he's old and gross like most old men, he's got nasty old man smells sometimes and those nasty white stringy things around his mouth all the time because he drinks too much and never drinks water. YUCKY! He thinks kissing is the girl holding her mouth open while he rubs his tongue back and forth across yours like it's your pussy, not cool, not sexy, none of the above! My tongue ring is not my clit!

Oh well, change of subject...I still haven't found an apartment yet, but at least Sarah-do has shown me everything that they have to offer, FINALLY! I have found a couple that appeal to me from other landlords, but I'm still looking. Hopefully it won't take too much longer, but it's hard to look at apartments when you're never in town.

I still think about you all of the time, I wonder what you are doing, where you are, and if every thing is going the way you wanted. I disconnected my Verizon phone, there really isn't any need for it now that we don't communicate on a regular basis. My heart still does strange things when I think of you, but the pain is bearable again. It's almost as if I never ever found you, almost...

I find myself downloading music that reminds me of you all the time from iTunes.