Almost there

Another Ticket

Back to NY

Happy Fucking New Year!

I missed my opportunity to go to NYC for nothing. I went over to Zythos last night and found my dj, all was going good and I was about to get mine when in walks this hottie. I of course wanted her and so, I started to bullshit with her got to know her a bit, and she pointed out her black eye. She told me she got it from fighting with this girl the night before because she was trying to get on her man...You guessed it, her man is my dj. She asked me if I knew him at all and I just laughed and said, "Yeah you could say that I know Tim." She never said his name. I wasn't to be deterred though, I love a good threesome so I decided the thing to do was try to get her into it. When we started to talk about it she told me that she loves to kiss girls, but she could never imagine going down on one, I told she didn't know what she was missing and that she should give it a try sometime. She then proceeded to tell me that her boyfriend doesn't like it when she makes out with other girl's...Her words, "Have you ever known a straight man who wasn't into two girls kissing?" I told her I've known plenty. I then let her go...If she doesn't munch she does me no good. I hung out for a little bit longer talking to some of my friends that I haven't seen in forever when this girl whom I had met once or twice before came up to me when the lights went up at two and started making out with me. I made out with her full on tongue passing between lips hands caressing breasts, and then she was gone, with D's flute teacher of all people. I apologized to him when I realized that they were together and he told me that it was all good, she wasn't his girlfriend. I know the dj was watching me...I hope it ate him up inside! He kept texting me last night while he was with her telling me how much he wants me and that she was stalking him...blah blah blah! Yeah I'm not buying any of that. I don't trust any word that comes out of any man's mouth after you lied to me in so many fucking ways.

Now I'm trying to find a flight to NY so that I don't have to be alone tonight. I'm pissed as hell at the adopted one so I surely don't want to sit in this house with her. I've been invited to a bunch of parties here, but none of them will be banging like NY! Besides, if I can get my ass up there, I can go to Shelter this weekend.
Fuck it, if I jump in the car now, I'll be there by 5, the same time I'd get there if I fly. The traffic is going to be atrocious no matter what so...What am I doing?

Undecided

Do I stay here in this lame excuse for a city, or do I hop in my car and drive to NY for a fun filled weekend? I can't decide what to do. I'm so exhausted, yet I can't find it in myself to try to lie down to sleep. I was out with Smiles at Havana, and now I want to hop in my car and run over to Zythos...If I can find the dj then I'll stay in Pgh, if not, I come home and drive to NY in a few hours. I'm already packed and I have been drinking Red Bull all night.

The driving force...

I think I must be insane, but I'm about to pack my things, take a shower, and a nap. Then off to NY again. Another trip to see my hubby, this time I'm freshly waxed, cut, and colored. I can't wait to climb into his bed again...just the thought of what is waiting for me is enough. Yummy! That's how I describe him. I've got my new outfit from the last trip and I'm ready to party. I've got two great bottles of Champagne(thanks to J) and I made a trip to the weed man! I need to get moving though, I'm supposed to go out with Smiles tonight for a few drinks. Tonight is her last night at the salon forever! Teaching only now for her.

When I was talking to my hubby about coming up to NY again, he asked me if I was going to sneak off and drive up to CT to try and find you. I giggled like a school girl in his ear and told him that I refrained the last trip...I'm sure I can handle myself again. I suggested a 24 hour parking lot he told me it's not worth the money, I will have to use my will power.

Quitting isn't easy

I've been struggling with quitting smoking again. It really is a very difficult thing to do, especially when one is out of weed and Adovan(sp). I have been quite a bitch over the last three or four days. I feel sorry for the girls for they have been bearing the brunt of it while they are here. I should have waited to quit till after they had gone home to their dad's, but there is no time better than the present. I have them upstairs practicing their instruments, so I have a few minutes before they are finished. Today we spent the day running around buying last minute gifts for people we didn't realize we were exchanging presents with. I just finished wrapping up the ones that we are delivering tonight. I ran out of wrapping paper, so I need to get some for the last few gifts. The holidays sure are expensive. The girls just informed me that there half an hour of practice time is up. Damn I guess I'll have to do this later.

It's been a rough day

I don't even know where to begin, I have had so many things buzzing through my head all day long. I have been so broken inside today. Driving back from Harrisburg wasn't too bad other than the ticket, the girls played with their Gameboys the whole way, other than when I made them read for forty-five minutes. Every time anyone asks them what their favorite present is they immediately announce, "My Gameboy", in unison. I guess the day started to go sour when I got that damn ticket, to think, I was only about 25 miles from Pittsburgh. I almost made it the whole way, oh well, I was bound to get stopped sooner or later with all of the driving I have been doing.

We were rushing back to get to swim team at one, only to find out that they were really supposed to be at the two o'clock practice. The coach let them practice with the other group anyway and told them they could come to either practice the rest of the week. While I was sitting in the bleachers watching the girls swim I realized again how much a part of me you are. You are in everything that I see, I do, I smell, I don't know how to describe it. It's as if all of this time I built my life around things that reminded me of you without even realizing it until you were back again. Anyway, swim team...Since I had a bit of free time, I decided to copy some of the text messages down that you sent me. Reading some of them almost brought me to tears, while others infuriated me, "My queen assure your friends that I will bring you only joy."

"My queen you consume me, I have given all I am to you. I do not live unless you allow it. I love you my dark queen."

Did you really mean any of it? You knew what was to come...Why did you ever answer that damn email? I'm not going to dwell on these questions...I musn't allow it.

Mother has lost her mind. Even she feels that her grasp on reality is slipping. The connection just came to me...Oh my god! Father went to the rehab to get sober after years and years of abuse, my twin siblings told me that Father was hearing voices and seeing people who weren't alive anymore. Mother said the same thing the other day. She swore that someone was in her trailer...Yes the shame of it she lives in a trailer now. She has never sunk this low before. I'm worried about her, she fell down Christmas morning and whacked her head, I had to arrange for a taxi to take her to the ER, she wouldn't let me call an ambulance, and none of my family would go get her...They didn't find anything, but she made a follow up appointment with her doctor. I couldn't bring myself to go see her. I didn't want the girls to see her in this condition and honestly, I don't know if I can handle it right now. I'm not very stable myself at this point. I still find myself longing to cut myself, I need to release the pain that is inside of me, but I'll keep my word to you. As I was waiting for the laundry cycle to finish earlier, I kept running my fingers over the scars feeling a sense of satisfaction in it.

J and I are fighting still...I can't find it in my heart to be nice to him anymore. He annoys me so much sometimes, if it is possible for anyone to be anymore impatient than me, it is him! He has been calling me for the last few days and pestering me about when I'm going to come to FL. When I told him that C has an orchestra concert he just about flipped, telling me that I need to skip an event here and there. I lost it, I believe I said something along the lines of just because he's an absentee parent doesn't mean I am going to be and that he should realize by now that everything I do I do for them. Everything revolves around making their lives better than mine. Why else does he think I put up with his whining ass? He keeps threatening to leave me, this is getting really old as far as I'm concerned. He can leave if he wants. There are other men out there with a lot more to offer me, but he'll never find another one of me. I'm just too twisted in all the right ways for him. Unfortunately, he isn't twisted enough for me. He will never be the one to tame me so he might as well quit trying now while we still might have a chance of getting along...But is that even what I really want? How the hell do I know? I can't even think about anything except how much you hurt me.

I keep turning to my hubby in this time of crisis. Reaching out to him in so many ways, and getting rejected on some levels and revived on others. He knows me well, and has already been bitten by me once before, I'm not so sure he's willing to trust my emotions right now. Besides, I do believe that I always come back to him...After everyone else tramps on my heart I run back to him and he picks up the pieces. It's amazing the way he does it for me time and time again, I do love him in so many ways. If only we could figure out a way to live in the same house...I've been on the messenger with him the entire time I've been writing this. I turned him onto my blog tonight for the first time. I liked watching his reactions to what he was reading and listening to.

My eyes are getting heavy. I know the girls will be up at the crack of dawn, so I better try to catch some sleep while I can.

Home...Finally

It has been quite a trip I tell you! Back and forth across this barren state so many times. I got popped today for speeding, $165, I knew it would happen sooner or later. I'm planning on coming back to NY for New Year's Eve.

The lasagne is going to be done soon, so I only have a few moments.

I searched all of my email accounts including the Sorcha one...Looking for word from you. I know that last night was supposed to be your big night. I hope that you came through this with the desired results.

Damn the timer is going off...

Your time has come

I know that things have changed completely for you in the last few hours. The time for you to come to a great understanding has finally arisen. I'm at my aunt's house in Harrisburg with the girls. It's Christmas after all, a time for family. My love, I fear for you, yet I know that you will come through this with flying colors. I need you to know that I love you beyond all things known to you before, that I am here for you in a capacity not readily available to most. I am your queen you have said so yourself on many occasions. We are destined to be together in some way, but first we must both find our selves, our true beings, not these things that we have been pretending to be for the last fifteen years.

I have loved you in ways that have been sought after for millenniums by zillions of different beings and none have ever found anything so perfect as what we can give to each other. My king I bear my soul to you on the eve of your transformation. I tell you that there has never been another who will know me in the ways that you do. There will never be any one who can take your place...Many have loved me, but I have loved few. You are the one who makes my heart beat for life, you are the one who has controlled my every thought for all of these long years, you are the one the psychic spoke of, the one whom I have given all to with nothing in response, you are the one who makes me crave the gypsy life I once lead before the girls, you are my king, my love, my heart, my thoughts, my absolute life force. I have been going crazy these last few days. I search and search for word from you, but nothing...Just a mere bump on the horizon not even a welt on my flesh.

I have driven back and forth across this damned state so many times in a lame attempt not to drive to CT to find you, to pull you close and breathe you in. Damn it JD I need you so fucking much it scares the piss out of me. I have never once before desired anyone the way that I desire you now. You might say that I am completely consumed with you, every thought is of you and what you might be going through at this very moment. I want to give you everything and yet, I fear that I have nothing to offer you. Once you take these steps tonight and over the next couple of days, everything is going to change for you. Your wants will be fulfilled and your desires meted out in an understanding manner, you will reside on the right side of the one who rules your world with me at your feet. I find myself fading in and out of these trances. I have been writing for forty minutes and barely have accomplished anything. At the rate that I type, this should be one of the longest entries ever!!! I can't even focus on anything other than you. The moon is almost in the right position, I can feel it pulling me, calling my name drawing me deeper into it's light. That glorious dark light that can only be generated from the moon. I love it so!

I feel the desire to lie beneath the moon and stars stark naked in the cold and absorb all of the lunar energy tonight. To withstand these temperatures of negative ills on my being. I must make this happen again. When we were in that place I used to absorb the moon on nights like these all of the time without ever leaving the room. That was the one great thing about those big ass windows there, and the fact that I could climb out of them was pretty nice too. I only wish that I would have crawled into your bed.

I digress again.

I must get off of this damned machine I need to be in touch with you, I hear you calling my name. Tonight may be our last......

On the road again

Back to the 'burgh...

Leaving NY pt.3

Leaving NY pt.2

Leaving NY pt.1

I need a translation

www.lifesaver.net

The last post has a link to my website...I'm curious.

Still in NY. Trying not to lose my mind.

Went to this hot club last night, Cielo in the meat packing district. I danced my ass off it was great. I wanted to stay till 4, but the people I was with needed to work in the morning.

Bought two pairs of really great boots, one pair of Miss Mooz and one pair of the New Rock Militia collection. They are both super hot. I bought all these great shirts, and a dress that all have straps and strings everywhere. I'll need someone to help lace me up into most of them...

Got my period yesterday!

The big apple

My king you were right in surmising that those audio links are my NY blogs. It's been hard to get onto a computer for any real amount of time. I hope that you eventually get a chance to listen to them. They are all for you just like everything else I write. I am at my husband's place right now, I'm going to stay here again tomorrow too. I'm leaving on Thursday. This trip was supposed to be a heal the heart and shop till you're happy trip, but I have been doing nothing more than crying at every thing. This was probably the dumbest thing to do right now...Come here so close to you and not even be able to see you. Oh damn this all sucks so much.

I am happy that you are changing. I hope that when you are finished with this rite you will have found the inner peace that you have desired for so long. I know that I do not understand all that you are going through, but I am trying my king. Doubt is not a fair feeling when you are already going through so much. I put my car into a 24 hour garage for the next couple of days so that I'm not tempted to drive to CT. Can't get there on the hoof patrol. I've been so weak this trip. I can't even think for myself right now. I had to take my ex-boyfriend, the house dj, with me to China Town yesterday so that he could do all of my bargaining for me. I would have just thrown my money away yesterday without him. I cried on his shoulder so many times yesterday, I felt bad telling him how much I loved you and have never loved another the same way. I told him how much pain I've been in, he even noticed the cuts, I thought he was going to kill me when he saw that shit.

I've got to go. My hubby is out of the shower and I need to get in so that he can get to work...We are going to have breakfast first. I will try to write more later. Maybe one of the monks will give you a pair of headphones...

Be strong and focus on what must become of you next.

What was the name of that writer's bar? I know that by the time I get a chance to read this again I may already be home, but let me know for the next trip.

It hurts to be so close to you...

The morning after

Crazy Three

Driving too fast...

Headed to the big city pt.3

Headed to the big city pt.2

Headed to the big city pt.1

Just what I need...

I'm four days late for my period. I don't even want to know...

Venting

Just got back from Lisa's...I wasn't able to get everything waxed, apparently I'm too close to my period and I started to bleed when she did my eyebrows. I've got to wait to get the rest done.

Trying to get the house organized so that we can set the tree up tonight...YIKES!!! I know the little demon kitty is going to be all over that shit. Last year he broke half of our ornaments. There is so much to do to be able to get this thing set up that I really can't sit here too long. I just wanted to vent for a sec...I know that the girls are going to want their little friends to spend the night tonight, but I don't know if I can handle all those little girls again. It's been an every weekend thing lately. It wouldn't be so bad if they would just listen...But kids aren't into listening till you start screaming, and then they think that you are a lunatic! You just can't win with them, no matter how hard you try.

Oh and I do believe that I'm going to have to cancel my trip to NY, I just checked the weather and it's supposed to snow! I refuse to do the city in the snow!

Doubt

This thing that has become us...this thing that has kept us apart. I'm starting to doubt you, my king, I think you are at home and you have been lying again. So, one last time...please be completely honest with me about all of this.

I've got to go shower...I'm going to Lisa's house to get waxed before I come to NY. I need to be there by 10:30.

What to do?

J is gone now and I'm free for the next few weeks. It's nice to know that. Yet, I'm not really sure what to do with myself. I'm not used to having all of this free time. Being his pretty pet requires a lot of time put in...

I was trying to come to NY on the 20th, but I'm not so sure if that is going to happen. I keep hearing that the weather is supposed to be shitty. I'm not very fond of the city when it snows, everything gets so slushy, and the puddles are deep enough to come up to my knees in some places. I really want to do some shopping though...I haven't bought myself any new winter clothes yet because I h ad been waiting till I moved in with you. The city would have been so close then. Don't dwell on this...

Sitting here in the new red bra, garter belt, and red fishnets, I still have my BCBG stilletos on and a black silk robe. When I put the heels on I noticed that there was dried lubricant on my right heel from the last time I wore them...I shoved it up J's ass...he loved it. Today was a day of pain for him. I humiliated him first by telling him that he was dirty and needed to go wash his ass if he wanted me to fuck him, then I bent him over and whipped him with the cat-of-nine till I could see his flesh beginning to bruise...I'm not to leave marks if I want to keep my position in life. Raking my nails down his back, up his thighs, smacking the marks with my open hand, pinching him, reaching around with one hand and digging my nails into his cock...Hard. Sliding the ribbed phallus in his ass as I grip harder on his cock, driving it in with barely any lubricant, shoving it in till he cried out in pain. I release the pressure on his cock but drive the last inch of the phallus cruelly in his ass. I step back, pick up the cat-o-nine and whip him some more...I see the pre-cum dripping out of his erect cock. I force him down on his knees shoving my pussy in his face, loving the way the red fishnets look against my bronzed skin, making him rub his cock while he makes me cum. I fall on the bed allowing him to finish himself off by fucking me, he cums within a few minutes...It's over.

Nightgown

As I sit here in that white nightgown that you love so much of course you are all that consumes my thoughts. I put this on when I was going to bed last night because I know you find it super sexy. I claimed into bed put on this movie, "Saint Sinner", the plot is about these monks that travel through time after these two women succubi that one of the monks accidentally released. I fell asleep watching it so I can't tell you more than that. Seeing the monastery and the brown monks robes was enough to implant your image on my brain again. I didn't go out, so I decided to give myself what I needed, but an orgasm isn't the end all be all that a good beating is. So, I'm sitting here debating, do I give the dj one more chance tonight, or do I just open my kit, which is sitting right here next to me, and open my arm. I would really like to put a nice cut in that soft sexy spot beneath my shoulder blade, the part that hangs out of this nightgown. I'd like to watch the blood run down onto the pure whiteness of this gown, staining it for all eternity with our blood, but I can't cut myself there, I can't taste the blood from there. That's why I prefer my wrist, besides, on my wrist it's easy to explain as a cat scratch...Shadow is a crazy kitty after all. I know I promised you I wouldn't cut myself anymore, but the pain is so intense inside. I need an outlet. Writing isn't doing the trick!

On another note, I've been up for an hour and I'm still fighting the urge to get all smoky. You know it's like my medicine. It makes me calm down a bit. It makes me not be so crazy, I'm not drinking coffee in the mornings anymore, and I'm trying to stay away from caffeinated teas, because if I'm not smoking I don't need anymore uppers in my body. I'm already unbalanced enough. I've been smoking way too many cigarettes, I started buying packs again. That's a bad sign.

Fuck! J just called...His limo doesn't pick them up till 12:30, he wants to come over at 10:30 for a bit. Why couldn't he just leave me alone today? Why did he have to come in for one last swipe at me? I can't stand this! Doesn't he realize how much I resent this life? Yesterday, the adopted one's boyfriend told me that he thought I had the best life ever. Sitting around drinking $400 bottles of wine (I had an unbelievable '89 Bordeaux yesterday) smoking the best herb, and fucking all day. I told him that it really isn't all that it appears to be. I told him that it took me awhile, but I finally realized that money doesn't matter if you don't have any type of happiness in your life. Well, with this news, I'm giving in and getting smoky and then I've got to take a quick shower and clean up a bit before he gets here.

House music

I have been listening to http://cyberjamz.com/live.php pretty much non-stop for the last two days, (I vowed to the adopted one that I would stop listening to the mix you made me...She was afraid of the mood it tended to put me in. I know you understand that.) the djs have given me something to hold onto. I listen to the words, I think of you, I imagine that you are listening to the mixes with me, (archives do exist...) hearing the message in the music as well as the words, feeling the beat vibrate through my body. Writing. Crying. Feeling everything, pain, anger, sadness, and of course tons of love. You are right, many men have loved me before and I have thrown them away for a far lesser infraction than you have committed against my being. The key words are these, "men loved me", not I loved them, I have only loved you for all of eternity, and as they say love is blind, love is forgiving.

My king if you would prefer a bit of privacy we could go back to the email...Or the messenger, but otherwise, our words are here for all to read. For everyone to hear our thoughts, our secrets, our desires, our pain, our love, and everything else that may or may not come about. You have chosen this form of communication. Beings other than ourselves will read these words many will feed off of it, many will find it fascinating, some will think that we are just twisted and depraved, others will try to come between us yet again. Let them all come to us and face us as they truly are...I can restrict the flow of comments. I kind of like the fact that people are reading it, and liking what they read. You know me always the exhibitionist.

Even though I haven't listened to your mix these words have been going through my head all day long. "I get a tingling sensation in private locations where I wish to be caught between a rock and your hard place." Are you still wearing my rings?

I'm going to try to go to bed, my eyes are so heavy and dry.

Can you believe this?

I think I may be getting stood up by the dj...That would totally suck! I was so looking forward to some pain release tonight. It's still kind of early, so who knows, but I thought I would have at least gotten a call or a text by now about where we are meeting. If he doesn't come through, I've always got my exacto set. The adopted one never showed up so I don't have to worry about trying to hide anything, I can cut and bleed anywhere I choose. It's been a few days since I last had the sweet nectar. I guess the last time would have been the last day we messengered with each other.

Shit, foiled again. The adopted one just walked in.

Reprieve

I'm going to have a small reprieve till January 3, or somewhere in that neighborhood. J leaves with his family tomorrow. I am so fucking happy! I can't stand being with him anymore, but I want a new life and to get it, I must do things that I'm not always proud of. It's so hard to get into things with him, I just feel so disgusted, I can't even pretend to like it most of the time. Today, I could hear the difference in my voice as I pretended to cum versus when I really do orgasm. Today I sounded hollow. There was absolutely no feeling in me, all I could do to keep from breaking down in tears was to think of you and how good it should have been. How wonderful it would be...But I digress. I knew that if I wanted my trip to NY I would have to kiss some serious ass today and I just couldn't do it. I got half of what my trip is going to end up costing me. Oh, and he tried to tell me today that I needed to stay home instead of going to NY, that there wasn't anything but trouble up there for me, that I wouldn't be able to handle myself. Does he even know who he is talking to? Christ, I used to live there for years, I think I can handle my friends. He's just scared I'm going to have too much fun. He knows that I'm probably going to stay with either my ex-boyfriend or my husband, both of whom I'm still on a fucking basis with. Funny thing is, he wants me to bring my ex-boyfriend to FL this winter.

The adopted one just called, she's going to be home in about 15 minutes with her boyfriend, I need to clean up all of the J evidence. I'll try to write more before I go out.

I know today was torture for you! I wouldn't find it very peaceful either. It's hard to quite the demons in our minds. Our lives our on some sort of crazy parallel, that's what I've been trying to point out regarding all of the dates.

Addicted

I feel like a junky searching for some sort of communication from you. Have you forgotten about me my king? Have you pulled away even farther? Am I to continue on this path alone forever? I know that you can not give me all that I require. I know that I told you I would let you be alone if that is what you wanted, but I'm addicted to you. I rush home to look at all of my email accounts and then all of our blogs to see if you have left a morsel for me. I need a temporary fix, something that will hold me over for the next couple of hours...It's been almost an entire day without some word from you.

Did the walk with the Abbott have something to do with this? Did you suddenly find inner peace? How is your paper coming along? Am I going to be able to read it when you are finished? Is your body healing properly?

The trip to Victoria's Secret was a smashing success, I got 2 new bras, 2 new garter belts, and bunch of different color fish net stockings. I do so love that store...

Why?

Why does everything in my life seem to happen at speeds not known to the rest of mankind? I can break up and make up with in the hour with J, I can feel nothing but disgust when I think of him though. You have come in and out of my life several times already in just a few short months, crushing me along the way making me unfit for any other man.

I feel the need to cut or fuck! J isn't fucking that's just play, someone for me to beat on, but no one with the ability to control. Now, the dj on the other hand, that's some hot sex, that's what I fucking need. Someone to take over for a few hours. I can't wait till tonight, I'm going for all of it. Going to wear the red skirt I bought for you, the high black leather boots from Belgium, I'll figure out the shirt later. I should wear some sexy ass lingerie as well, maybe a pair of thigh high fish net stockings that come just below the skirt...hmmm...Need to go shopping for those, maybe I'll buy a new garter belt too. I love new lingerie! That always seems to cheer me up!

The laundry should be done soon, so I'll be able to leave in a few...

The dj on http://cyberjamz.com/live.php is the bomb right now!!!! I love these old school tracks he's spinning. The music is so intoxicating that I'm finding it hard to leave the house, I don't want to miss what he's going to do next. Thank goodness for the archives!

Hey Anonymous, I see you are haunting these pages around the same time I am...

I hate him!!!!!

I fucking hate J! He is the biggest asshole known to mankind! I wish I didn't have to rely on him for anything! What the fuck! Just yesterday we had this huge knock down drag out fight about the whole treating me like I'm just a pretty pet with no life other than to serve him. I told him if he wanted that kind of relationship he would need to pay me way more money than what I currently get. Just covering the bills does not qualify that type of commitment on my part when he's already got a wife and two kids...When I already satisfy the desires that he can't even begin to tell them about. What the fuck! All week he's been telling me that he had a meeting today at 4, so I made plans to meet with my photographer at that time. J just called me and told me that he changed his meeting to 2 and I need to change my plans again! I hate him! I hate this life! I want die...Thank fucking god he goes away tomorrow for three weeks. He's given me enough money to last till the end of January, I may actually be able to get away from him while he's out of town. I just need to find a job...Easier said then done in this bankrupt city.

Didn't make it

Till noon, but I have already made it three more hours than I usually do. It's a start.

To: Anonymous

Anonymous said...
I have become addicted to your thoughts. Its almost like I can feel you and your pain. I think that your hell is not unlike my own and to that I relate. I feed on what your write and live through your thoughts and desires.

It's nice to know that someone out there gets me...If you feed on my thoughts and desires check this out. http://home.comcast.net/~urs912/

Something New

I've decided to try something a little new with my life, I'm going to quit smoking pot before noon, that's a good start, and then slowly I'm going to just try to do away with my need for this wacky weed. I've got to much to do, to many things to accomplish, and I'm not getting anywhere at this current pace. So, I'm going to try to change things up a bit, besides, I've got almost a full bottle of xanax to help regulate me. Fuck I wish that I just had health insurance so that I could get all of the meds that I need, the adavan(sp) helps a ton, I wish that I had more of those. I really do need something to regulate this depression, anxiety, and of course my ADD. It's funny as I sit here discussing the fact that I'm going to quit smoking early, the bong is calling my name, it's only inches from the computer, right where I left it last night when I was working on a story.

"Smoke me!" It's screaming at me!

I will not cave into this temptation though, I've got to get out of the house and get shit done today! This is all easy to say now since the adopted one isn't here, but the minute she walks in the door she's going to holler at me, "Let's roll one before work."

I'll just have to stay strong. It's weird trying to write without having smoked first. It's taking me three times longer to get out each thought because of all of the mumbo-jumbo in my head. It's like someone is sitting on the remote control and the channels are just flipping by at hyperspeed.

CONCENTRATE BITCH!

I need to find someone that can teach me how to put music on my blog and on my website. I woke up to Destiny's Child, "Survivor", on MTVJ this morning, I wanted it to be my theme song for today. That would be cool, to be able to change the music to match my mood everyday. I guess I need to learn how to write HTML. Probably would do me a world of good in this day and age. That will be one of the first classes I take when I go back to school. Fuck what am I going to go to school for? I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, other than the president and a well known novelist. I guess Political Science should be my major then...Or maybe I'll go to law school. I've decided to take everything that I can get right now. J is crawling on his knees to please me right now, offering me anything that I want. Promises of love I've heard before, so...I'll take what I can get and not involve my emotions.

I'm beyond scattered at this point in my life, I've moved onto shattered.

Dumped again

Well, I predicted correctly about J. He came over this morning and broke up with me. Stating that I have been a difficult bitch since before Halloween and he can't understand why, he said that I have done nothing to try to change things...Matter of fact he thinks that I made them much worse by dumping him around Thanksgiving. I was read the riot act about how ungrateful I am, how I should be nicer, drop the edge, stop acting like a whore. He handed me a huge wad of cash and said that it was over. I just stared at him blankly. I knew this was coming, I had predicted it to the adopted one on the way to work...Only thing is, he made up with me at hyperspeed, kind of like everything else in my life. Why does everything happen so quickly in my life? Anyway, within 15 minutes of him trying to dump me, he was begging to come back later. I had told the adopted one that I thought it would take him a week to come crawling back. I know that he will never find anyone as perverse as I am in his world and that is what he needs with me...Depravity.

Comments

My king, if you were to show me your true self, I would never run, for I love you deeply. Take your leathery wings, enfold me in your darkness, rake your talons down my naked back, use your fangs to taste my flesh, my blood. Yes, I would tremble before you, but you are my king and have always invoked reverence in me. I feel your darkness, I feel your true being, I always have...I have tapped into your energy in the past and I continue to do it now. I give my self to you so that you may destroy all that was and allow me to rise again like the great phoenix from the flames of your destruction. For that has been our cycle for all of eternity. I give to you all that I am and all that I will be. I will you to share your true nature with me, I know that you will command me once again to go away, but you should know by now that I can not. I am bound to you for all eternity. I am bound to your darkness, bound to be a part of it, for darkness and cruelty is all I have known. I have been your slave for centuries, your lost queen, the one who suffers along side of you in the dead abyss. Have you not felt me by your side? Have you not noticed that things haven't been quite so lonely? Have you not noticed that I have tried to obey every one of your commands? Has my scent disappeared already? I know it has not, I know that my smell still drives you insane. I know that you feel my heart beating next to yours at night, I know that you hear me call your name, I know that this is killing you as much as it is me. So with all of this in mind, know that I could never fear you, I may tremble, I may lose my step for a second, but fear could never exist in regards to you. No matter how deep in the darkness you dwell.

That smell

You mentioned that everything I have ever given you has a specific scent to it. I smelled it today so strongly as I was picking out my clothes, thinking of you...as always. The smell of my essence lingers still as I sit here typing. Its intoxicating isn't it?

Bound

Is this a fantasy or something that really happened? As I remember it, you are bound to me by blood from so long ago, long before this life and your wife, long before the order. We sat by the side of the barn after having pricked our fingers with the rose thorns we pressed our wounds together mingling our blood, making a bond that would keep us together throughout all of eternity. The blood that runs through your veins is also pumping through mine. We have been bound to each other for years. Longer than this life, longer than the last twenty lives, we have been each other's mutual slave. We have existed in each other's realm for centuries past, to end the cycle we must consummate our love once again. We always choose to live in the dark, in the pain, maybe to end the cycle we must jump blindly into the light.

Who are you?

That I have fallen so hard and so deeply for so many years?
Who are you?
That you have held my heart, my soul, and my very essence captive?
Where do you reside in this world?
Where do you fit in?
Where do I fit in?
Do we fit at all?
Is it even possible for the world to process beings such as ourselves?
So consumed with our own passions our own lusts, our own secrets.
That we aren't capable of sharing with each other or the world.
We have become selfish in our later lives,
cruelty rules all that we do now,
we have known nothing other than this life this darkness.
Pain resides deep inside where love should have found a place
all of those years ago
when we were young and innocent
under the guidance of people we should have been able to trust
we were plundered
we were twisted,
our goodness was taken away and replaced
with anger and bitter thoughts.
When first we were brought together the world shuddered
knew that something great had become of us.
The world could not accept that greatness
We were ripped apart
sent to opposite ends of the world
left to fend for ourselves
through terrible loneliness
terrible thoughts
terrible actions by others.

This life...

This life that I have is going to end up being the death of me soon. I can't stand going on like this anymore, being cut off from you again is more than I can handle. I've read your new site...How much of it's true?

Watched that movie "Secretary", last night with the adopted one. She had never seen it before, but did end up thoroughly enjoying it. Of course the movie made me think of you, but then again, I can't look at anything without thinking of you. You have consumed me completely and I can't find my freedom from you and your memories. Everything is so much pain now, all of the happiness has been taken away by a cruel succubus who comes to me through the computer to steal what's left. Everyday a little more cruelty is inflicted. Everyday I start a new chapter of pain. What am I to do? I tried to prove to you that you are the only one for me, I tried to show you that only you have that power over me. If only it were as simple as in the movie, sitting at a desk not moving a muscle for days till you come to rescue me...But I know now that I will never be the one you are rescuing. I'll have to find a new master. I don't know if that is possible though. I have already signed my soul over to you, I have already given all of me to you, I am already possessed by your being, consumed by your very soul, so many years ago. Why do you think I searched for you for so long? Why do you think that I never really settled down? My soul already belonged to a master, whom I had lost and was desperately searching for. You think that by pulling away you are making it easier? You are so wrong my king. It may be a little easier for you and your family, but for mine...It's getting to be too hard. Everyday I fight the urge to drive my car off of a bridge into one of the many frozen rivers around here. Considering where I live, I'm presented with this opportunity about 30 times a day, that takes a lot of will power when you really don't want to live. I keep trying to remember what it was like to be happy...I don't think there has ever been a time that I have truly been happy, other than when you first answered my email. Remembering that can be way too painful...

I've got to drive the adopted one to work in a few. I better put on some warm clothes, there is a ton of snow out there today!

Trouble is brewing

I have gone above and beyond in my absolute cruelty to J. I haven't kissed him, I haven't caressed him, it has only been rough and painful for him since he came back to town. I haven't been able to behave properly, I have been down right defiant and rude to him. Demanding money, not fucking him and then tossing him out of my house. I think that we've fucked 10 times since he's been home...He's used to getting it 2-3 times a day from me. I can't do it though, I'm disgusted with my life, with myself for what position I have allowed myself to get into, and all because I'm weak. Yes, I am tired of being alone, I'm tired of struggling for every last scrap, I'm tired of fighting for my independence...So I gave in and I tried to let him take control of every aspect of my life, but there is a huge piece missing, I don't love him, and I never will. Money isn't happiness...It took me all this time to finally figure it out. I think it also helped quite a bit that you choose worldly things over me, but that's neither here nor there. As you have said repeatedly, I don't understand. I guess I never will either.

When he left today he was in a rare mood. I don't think he will be coming back again...But of course, he is addicted to my sex, so, who really knows what will happen. He told me today that ever since right before Thanksgiving I haven't been the same. I wonder why? He was trying to figure out what happened to me that made me change my outward appearance so much, all I can say is that it's the holidays...They always get me down. This year is going to be particularly hard, I was so looking forward to spending them with you. Breakfast at Tiffany's...Snowy mornings and hot chocolate. Why do I torture myself with these memories of promises that will never come true? Why do I continue along this path? Why do I long to still hear your voice? I really should get my shit together...Try to go out and find a job. It's so hard in this city though...Everything is bankrupt and I've got a record. Those two things don't really go hand and hand so well.

Hate

Hate is a harsh word my king...I told you before, I will never hate you. I am upset...I'm processing everything. It's either fucking or cutting...I don't need anymore scars but if I don't get some real rough bang my head off the wall and knock me out sex, I may be forced to cut myself to release the pain.

Just heard Eminem's new one, "Mockingbird", it brought tears to my eyes. Listening to the words brings up so much pain, so many memories, how many children have had to suffer through their parents addictions and the horrible consequences it brought with it.

Conversation with Sarah-do

Sarah-do says: Hey there
Sarah-do says: snowed in?
Sarah-do says: pooooooooooooooooooooooo
U says: nope...I was out earlier, but now I'm getting ready for J
Sarah-do says: how is everything with you?
U says: I have a mask on my face...I look like smurfette
U says: falling apart again.
U says: jd has stopped talking to me again
U says: so now, I'm all alone again
U says: I hate this
U says: men suck
Sarah-do says: but I thought he broke your heart - why would you let him back in?
U says: because I adore him
U says: I would let him in again and again and again till I die
U says: fuck, my face is dry...I need to go wash this shit off and get ready to be the pretty pet all over again.
Sarah-do says: you are a masochist, I guess
Sarah-do says: do you like your life?
U says: I am beyond masochist at this stage...I am pain
U says: no I hate it
U says: but what am I to do?
U says: I can't find a real job because of my record
Sarah-do says: Oh U, I don't know. Sometimes I guess I feel you embrace the pain in life because you feel it is you
U says: and besides, smoking dope, drinking wine, working on the book, and getting fucked isn't that horrible
U says: it is me
Sarah-do says: no it's not. not at all
U says: haven't you figured that out after all of these years
Sarah-do says: yes, but I guess I have been trying to figure out if people can really change
U says: look, I send my husband to NY with girls blowing him in the car...I send J to FL with other girls...
Sarah-do says: like me - can I change to be the person I dream I am
U says: no, people don't change
U says: essentially we stay the same, yes the outside appearance changes to please others, but inside, we always remain the same
Sarah-do says: yeah, I feel that way - - but I have hope I am wrong about myself
U says: we are all chameleons, able to blend in when needed
Sarah-do says: that is true - but maybe there is a way to bring out better qualities of myself - like the determination I use to feel when I was younger
U says: if you dream you are a certain person...Innately that is who you are, Sarah, you have been hiding your true identity all of these years, always trying to be the chameleon
Sarah-do says: who am I then?
U says: you try to please to many people
U says: that's for you to figure out my love
U says: I am pain
U says: what are you?
Sarah-do says: I am forgiveness
U says: I have a giant black cloud that has dominated my entire life, I have known nothing other than rejection and sadness, I am always those things
U says: yes you are...
U says: so are you and Smiles talking again?
Sarah-do says: that was the first thing that came to my mind
U says: I know it did
U says: shit...I got to wash this off...My face feels like it's cracking
Sarah-do says:
no - but I will soon. I needed a little time to let the embers die down inside me
U says: understandable
U says: I have to go
U says: J is going to be here soon and I'm still blue
Sarah-do says: ok - blue bunny
U says: don't make me laugh...Face is cracking
Sarah-do says: I am going to NYC this weekend - shopping and retreat to concrete
U says: wish I could go...But I have the girls Sat/Sun...I was going to try to go on Monday
U says: J will be FL with his family

Running Away

Wouldn't it be nice to just run away from all of it? I'm sure plenty of people have thought this way before...Hell, we wouldn't have all these escape plans otherwise. Anyway after this:
http://dorchadas.blogspot.com/2004/12/closing-of-things.html

All I want is to crawl in a deep dark hole and never come out. You say I speak of things that I don't understand, well babe, maybe if you would have been a bit more forthcoming since we started speaking again, maybe I would be able to understand everything. Instead you lied, over and over again, and when I would beg you to be honest with me, you would insist that you were. So Dorchadas, take your best shot at me, I'm going to be gone before you know it. I told you once before that I would give you anything that you asked for. So, you have asked to be left alone...alone, yes all alone, and yes, you've got it. I'm tired of getting stepped on by you, I'm tired of you not trusting in us enough to tell me everything, I'm tired of you kicking me around like a wonderful idea, but something that isn't real. Am I only a fantasy? Do I not really exist? I think I see myself when I'm looking in the mirror, but maybe it's someone else, maybe I'm just a medium for everyone else pain in life.

I tried to get with the dj last night, I needed to get fucked so bad. I wanted to be thrown around like a rag doll after I read that shit. I wanted to be beaten, pinched, tied down, and tormented for hours. I wanted to see blood running down my naked body. I wanted to be dominated if only for a few hours...But, I smoked too damn much and passed out before he called me back. So instead of forgetting about it all, the words kept tormenting me all night long.

How?

How do you go about ending things yet again? You gave me hope only to take it away again...this is cruel. As you were writing your closing I was writing my confusion.

Not only did you give me pain, but you gave me great joy as well, so now I will have neither.

Confused

I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't want to be the cause of your pain anymore than you want to be the source of mine, and yet, we are drawn into each other even more. I love talking to you on messenger, I love that you can see all of my thoughts even when I'm not saying it...I wish that you could have a camera where you are, but I'm sure it's forbidden, but then why isn't the computer forbidden? I'm sure there are plenty of things that I just don't understand. My king is there ever going to be a way for us to be able to fully share all of our knowledge? We were all over the board today in our conversations...my ADD is working overtime with the holidays and the stress...sorry about that. I didn't mean to be such a bitch and call you weak, but look at it from my shoes for a minute.

I have always respected you. I always saw you as this great individual who would always have the world by the balls, willing to jump into anything if you thought the experience would benefit your life, I always saw you in control. I never saw someone behind the scenes...I only saw you as the source of your strength. I'm sorry I was so hurtful. I meant every bit of what I said today...I thought this last bit was poignant in my confusion.

U says: r u still there?
jd says: yes
jd says: one min
jd says: baby
U says: what my king
jd says: i wanted so much to give you the world but it has been stolen (at this point the camera has been turned off and the tears just start pouring down my face. I don't need to be brave anymore.)
jd says: what kind of happiness can i give you
U says: i don't know right now, but there has got to be some way we can spend some time together somewhere I need you I need to fulfill this thing that is us even if it has no begining and no end even if it's just this fleeting moment in time of pure happiness. I just need to know that what I feel is real that it isn't some kind of sick twisted fantasy I've been living in i need it more than I need air right now. I do hurt when I think about us but it does hurt so good in so many ways and always, there is this hope that one day things will change either I'll know it was a fantasy, or, it will have been confirmed that there really is a higher power that comes when you are happy and in love even if for a second in time.
U says: jd?
jd says: ok
jd says: i was reading
jd says: what you wrote
jd says: i have to go
U says: ok

I have to get my shit together and go mail my mom her things...

Alone

I feel more alone now than I have in a long time. My husband just left...He's been in town all weekend and hasn't spent a single night here. The adopted one is at her boyfriend's house, the girls are at their dad's and I'm sitting here alone with only my computer and cats for company. I could probably rant all night long, but for a change, I'm going to try not to bitch. There are plenty of people out there who have it a hell of a lot worse than I do. So with this I bid you good night.

Birthday Fun

Trying to get myself organized so that we can have a day filled with birthday fun. The girls wanted to set up the Christmas tree today, but I talked them out of out till next week, by reminding them of how many ornaments Shadow broke last year. As a consolation prize, I'm going to take them to Dave and Buster's! They love that place...

Drinking a cup of Irish Breakfast tea while I'm getting ready to go pick the girls up, listening to some good music, and thinking of you. I can't stop thinking of you. You are the last thought on my mind when I fall asleep at night and the first thing I think of when I wake. I am a woman obsessed. The more I think about everything that you have told me, the more I put the pieces together, the less I like what my brain is telling me. I have begun to doubt your story yet again...The lack of weekend communication doesn't fit with your story, but it does fit with your wife being there...

Incense

Incense lingers on your skin as you pull me to you

making me forget all of my problems for one brief second.

I inhale deeply

fleeting scenes of our past lives float by.

We were happy once.

We ruled once in a desert land where the darkness resides.

Our skin was bronzed

our muscles toned

our blood pure.

We were meant for each other.

We were molded from the same firey pit.

We have endured the same tribulations.

We will rule once again.

The land craves our power

longs for our lust and love.

Surprise!

My husband came home just now. He'll be in town for the weekend...It's funny whenever I seem to be the most down and out, he shows up again and brings a little bit of joy into my life. I know that he adores me, we just can't live together...So we have allowed ourselves the space required for a semi-normal relationship. Hell, what is normal? I know our perception of normalness is all different and mine is much more skewed than most. Shit...I need to run to the store before J gets here...

Coffee or Tea?

I miss asking you this...Today it is going to be coffee. I just started a pot. I need the caffeine, I feel like I'm still in a haze right now. I haven't slept that good in a long time. Last night I passed out on the couch around 10:30 and I was there till 1:30, after which I proceeded to my own bed. Do you know why I slept so good last night? You...Yes, I know you'll claim not to remember, but you were here with me all night last night. I felt you in my arms, I smelled you covered in incense as you laid next to me. When I woke up on the couch it was because someone was trying to take you away from me...We were at MHS again. The new MHS, not the one that we grew up in, the campus was different last night. I kept fighting back, trying to hold onto you, but poof, you were gone. I woke up so abruptly because I physically felt you leave my arms, I searched all over for you, begging and crying for you to come back. Then I realized what the date was...It's the 11th...It's the 15th year anniversary of our separation. I figured that I was just reliving the pain all over again...It hurts so much that it's getting good, but that wasn't the case at all...You were trying to be here last night.

I felt you calling me when I got back into bed, I had planned on staying up to watch a movie, but I know that it's easier for me to get out if I'm asleep. For as awake as I was, sleep came back quickly once Shadow came in the bed, he always soothes my soul with his little kitty kisses and warm purring body on top of me. Quickly I faded back into the realm where you were waiting for me. I could hear you calling but I couldn't find you at first, there was so much interference, so many things in the way, mists of colors I haven't seen before, coldness that came out of no where, pure darkness and pure light are what finally lead me to you. I let myself go, I trusted in our age old connection and allowed the darkness to pull me in while keeping the light always in my focus. Before I knew it, you were in my arms again, telling me how much you love me, how happy you are that I found you, that I went out looking for you after you had been ripped away earlier. You tried to warn me to leave you alone, to stop following you into these places where I don't belong. All I could do was love you. I know that you are afraid for me, I know that you think I'm going to get caught up in something that I have no business being involved in, but I can't control my wandering soul. When I let myself into that realm, I lose all control, it's like you become a beacon and I become a homing device that is programmed into finding only that beacon with those specific requirements and then, there I am, at your side without even really trying. The connection between us is a great one, I know you can feel it as strongly as I do, that's why you lead me to yourself last night. Once I was in your arms again we were inseparable all night. I woke up feeling better than I have in a long time this morning. I'm so glad that I didn't go out last night...or I would never have been able to be with you.

Mother

She called from the rehab center...Yet another attempt for her to try to get out of doing time. She needs work boots because the parrot ate through her sneakers. She tried to hold back on asking me and pretended to be so embarrassed...I know her for the great actress she truly is. So, off to get the adopted one and then a quick shopping trip for Mother's needs.

I'll try to be online around 9:30.

Just a few

Minutes till J gets here. I thought I would have the entire day off...So much for that. At least I know it will be brief, I need to pick up the adopted one at six.

I bought the girls their present from you today...They knew you had bought them something, so, I must make it come true. I got the link for their bracelet just like I told you I would. I know they are going to love it! They are really going to love what you got them for Christmas! I think that's going to be their favorite present.

I feel like I'm falling all over again...What have you done to me? It's like I'm a junky for your time, your attention, your love. I keep running to the computer to check my email, it's a sickness and I need a fix!

I think I might take the adopted one to Zythos again tonight...They are playing reggae...

Loving you

Is one of the most difficult things that I have had to endure in my life. Just when I think that you have cut me free and forgotten about me, you come back saying that you haven't abandoned me at all and that you are going to give of yourself what you can. Baby, I'm selfish, I want all of you, I'll share you with those things that I must, but not with another woman. I refuse to be second best anymore. If you really love me and I mean this, you will find a way to get your walking papers from that relationship, it doesn't have to be tomorrow, or next month, but it has to be final. It's funny, being bi, I always thought that my ideal relationship would be this grand boy girl girl thing with everyone as a happy family living under one big roof, but I could not imagine sharing you permanently with anyone. A little fun for you and a little fun for me is a whole different thing. When I said kinda turned me on, I should have said, turns me on a lot. Just thinking of watching you...I'm getting all wet again. Here I go, all I have to do is think of you and the water starts to flow, is that normal? My nipples grow erect, you have some hold on me.

I long for the time when we will be able to talk again. I really must clean this mess of a house.

Ugh

Picked up the adopted one from school last night after which we went to Zythos to have a couple of drinks. We talked about you for a little bit in the car on the way there, she wanted to know if you were ok. She wanted to know if I really told you that she hated you, I of course told her I did, she replied, "Good, the reason that I hate him is because he abandoned us."

She has the same issues you and I do about all of that shit, so she took it a little personally when you left us. When I told her that you had really been in an accident and had been trying to hurt yourself, she was concerned for you, worried that you might try something else.

I told her, "not on my watch."

Last night it was her turn to be the sick one...Good thing we were only going over to my friend Sarah-do's or the adopted one would never have made it. Poor thing, she didn't know what end was up last night, she was in the stages of sickness where you just can't move once you find a spot, once you get into that zone. So, we spent the night at Sarah-do's house. After we got the adopted one to stop puking and into bed we sat up smoking and talking for hours about everything that is going on in our lives and how miserable we both are. She just got her heart broken too...Birds of a feather. It's crazy, but all I could do was think of you. Her apartment is really cool, it's got exposed steel girders all over the ceiling, but it's more like the framing of the girder than something solid. They would be great to hang someone from for a few hours...Now you know why I couldn't stop thinking about you. Everything I would look up, there you were just hanging around for my amusement...It was a very powerful image for me. So much so, that I couldn't even sleep at her place. I must have nodded out for about an hour or two because I feel slightly rested. I feel disgusting though, I still have on my clothes from the bar, and the stench of stale cigarettes is lingering in my hair. I think I'm going to try to take a quick shower before you jump online.

The great lie

J is still laying in my bed right now, but I couldn't take it a second longer, I had to get up and write. I've been writing this blog the entire time we were fucking. Sitting here drinking wine, smoking a cigarette(yeah, in the house), in an oversized flannel that's hanging open with a white bra and cute little girl boxers with a butterfly and "follow me" in rhinestones on the butt. You could say I feel as sexy as I look right now.

Of course I'm still listening to your mix. I'm a sick person too...I haven't' played it while fucking him, but I do play it all the rest of the time. I think of you constantly. When he is laying his hands on me I'm imagining you, your face, your eyes, your lips, your beautiful bald head. As I take control of him, I imagine it's you, forcing his lips to my breasts, then down my flat stomach to my naked pubis, making him lick up all of my wetness. Thoughts of you race through my mind, I shove his head down deeper between my legs, bucking my hips as an orgasm rises out of my depths, screaming out against my clenched teeth trying not to yell your name. I breathe in deep and try to focus. I grab the bed posts and swing my legs up, hooking my toes into the head board he drives his fingers in and out of me stroking me trying to make me cum again, I think of you and I get wetter and relax allowing him to drive his fingers deep...Penetrating every orifice. My eyes roll back in my head, I reach down and start to rub my engorged clit as he fucks me harder with his hands, his knuckles digging into my bruises from the dj, making me cum again, I spread my legs more demanding that he gives me more, goes deeper, strikes the spot, I'm rubbing my clit, I cum so hard this time I squirt my juices all over him. He slides inside of me fucking me digging his fingers into my bruises making me feel the pain of losing you all over again, I try to focus, but all I see is you. All I want is you. I close my eyes and imagine another time, another place, a place where life is different and I get everything that I want.

J told me today that he thought the reason I left him for the last month was because I was out there trolling around for someone better than him, but I couldn't find it and now I'm back. Little does he know, I found the best, I just can't put it together to have it yet.

You wanted to know...

What Bobby found out...Well, here it is in a nut shell. He found out nothing other than the fact that you lied to me.

He actually told me that the reason you lied to me is, and I quote, "U guys don't really want girls like you. You need to realize that he might have enjoyed the fantasy of you, and he probably read your website and pretended to be everything in a man that you wanted, but the reality is, he isn't going to leave his wife for you. U, you aren't marriage material, you aren't the kind of girl a guy wants to take home to meet the parents. You are too much of a freak, that will keep guys around for a little, but not forever."

So, I guess I'm destined to always be the girl on the side, second best. Why? Because I'm everything that a guy desires? Is that intimidating? Does it scare most men that I like to be beaten and eat pussy? I didn't think it did, but apparently, I don't really know what men want.

J just called he'll be here in two minutes.

Insanity

I just had the best ride home from town ever. I was listening to the mix you made for me again...Big surprise?! I couldn't help thinking about you, I started listening to track three and next thing you know my hand is down my pants. Rubbing my swollen clit with one hand my foot pressing the gas pedal to the floor as I'm cumming harder than ever. Head thrown back against the seat, back arched, lips parted...Thinking of you, listening to your words in my ear, feeling your heat against my body, I cum again and this time I almost wreck into a truck. I love the thrill of it all, I love the danger, I love the possibility that I might die while in the throes of an amazing moment of my life, when I'm cumming it's like nothing else matters.

Oh my god! The whole world as I know it is falling apart again...The Sarahs are at war. This is something I never thought would happen. I've been IMing with Sarah-do all morning trying to ease her pain a bit, she has never been betrayed like this before. Smiles is at school so I haven't had a chance to talk to her yet, but I do know that her hubby knows everything. I really hope that for the kids sake, they are able to work all of this out. I think the thing that everyone is really pissed about is not that Smiles kissed him, but that she decided to tell Sarah-do's other best friend and all of her hubby's friend's girlfriends at this party they were all at.

I need to shower...J is coming over soon.

The dj

I had to get up and write this story out as promised yesterday, besides, the bruises are something to brag about! You should see the size of the one on my left ass cheek...Mm, and the one on my right arm from where he was holding me down. Oh yes, it was exactly what I needed the other night, rough and nearly anonymous!

The entire time that we are getting it on, he kept whispering in my ear, "You know that this is what you needed. I'll be your escape from reality any time you want. All you had to do was give me a chance."

Magical words those are, because at this stage in the game, I'm going to need to escape my reality quite a bit. As I mentioned yesterday, I was rather sick at his house, and I passed out for a couple of hours, when I came to, it was to the soft caresses of the dj and him whispering in my ear. I slowly brought myself back to life. I had gone back to the club just to get fucked, I needed it to clear my mind of you, of all the pain that you were causing me. I should have been climbing into your bed in Connecticut when it all started, I should have been in your arms, not his, but...We both know how that turned out.

He started out really gentle...So, I really wasn't expecting him to get so rough, but it was exactly what I needed, and he knew it. He was reading my signs better than anyone has in a long time. At one point, he had me pinned down to the bed with one hand his other hand was deep inside of me fucking me hard, finding my spot, making me quiver, the more I shook, the harder he held me down. Before I knew it, I was exploding all over his hand, screaming out against the pain inside, burning the pain with lust. I fought back trying to get away, but not really, I was just antagonizing him, working him into a frenzy, heightening my desire to be dominated and his desire to please me. What more could a girl like me ask for? This one is going to be fun to play with, we have barely scratched the surface of how freaky either of us can be.

"I wish that you weren't so sick, I feel like I'm taking advantage of you," he said repeatedly throughout the night.

My response, "Please take advantage of me...I need to feel like someone wants me."

"Baby, your gorgeous, everybody wants you."

"Everybody except the one I want the most."

We forgot about talking for a few hours, other than the guttural cries of lust and ownership. Yeah, I let him believe he owned me for those couple of hours, I proclaimed to be his bitch, and he my master...But the reality is, I belong to no one, and nobody belongs to me, unless you count J, but that's a whole other story. For those few hours, I nearly forgot about you. When he had my face smashed into his bed and he was hitting it from behind, slamming that big hard juicy cock into me, smacking my ass, I cried out for more, I wanted to be hit harder. I laughed at his first few attempts, infuriating him, getting him just mad enough to make it hurt so good, to take those smacks and transform the physical pain into a release of all of these emotions was better than I could have asked for. He fucked me hard, he grabbed handfuls of my hair pulling my head back, making my back arch and my body form to his, he drove himself into me deeper still. His cock is so huge, he nearly split me in two, it's been too long since I've had it like this, since it's been this good, this rough, this free. He kept it up till I couldn't take it anymore, I begged him to stop for a bit, I needed to sleep.

He was cool about it and said to me, "I'm a pleaser baby, I get off on pleasing you. If you are good for now, so am I. I just can't wait to get my hands on you when your feeling better."

The sound of my phone ringing woke me, it was J, and it was 11 in the morning, I needed to get a move on and get back to my reality. I made the arrangements to meet him at my house in an hour and laid back down next to the dj for a few minutes of early morning banter.

I've got to drive the adopted one to work.

Coming back to life

Finally I get the surprise that I have been waiting for, a note from you! The minute I saw it in the inbox, my face lit up and my heart lifted a gazillion times. It's good to know that you are reading everything...It's even better to know that you are still wearing my rings. Tell me, what does she think of all of this? Has she even seen them? Yesterday when I was getting fucked by J all I could think about were those rings on your cock. I kept envisioning myself in your arms, not in his, I don't want to be in that spot! I hate this life that I've been forced back into. What does it really matter though? The bills need to be paid, and for the most part I'm treated like royalty. I am a bit pissed that I missed my FL trip because of all this mess with you! I mean, hell, at least I could have been at the beach when you broke my heart instead of in freezing Pittsburgh. I'm not going to dwell on it...I only have a few minutes before I need to leave to pick up the adopted one.

Yesterday was so difficult, I got so wasted last night it was sick. I tried to get the waiter from Mallorca to come home with me last night because he was bald...The adopted one was ready to kill me! She told me to leave it alone, just forget about it, but I told her I couldn't and that if I wasn't going to be in bed with my bald lover tonight as previously planned, then I'm going to have another one! Well, he was intimidated by the two of us and turned us down. Can you believe that? The adopted one was offended that he said no, because the way we presented it, it was as if he would be coming home with both of us. She's so silly sometimes! After we finished dinner, we went down to Zythos to have a couple of more drinks. Which I know I surely didn't need, I had already consumed a bottle and a half of wine. Well, of course, I had to have vodka at the bar and boy did it get me rocked, I started running my mouth about the collar and cuffs that I had commissioned...Let's just say that I got quite a few offers from people who wanted to be my master. I can't just trust anyone though. I can't just give up control to anyone, you know how I am.

The pain was so intense yesterday, so what did I do? You guessed it, I turned to sex again. I went home with a reggae dj that I've known off and on over the years. When we got to his house, I got so sick, I was bent over the toilet forever, puking my guts out, steak is not any good the second time around.

I need to go for now...I'll finish the story of the dj later.

Damn you!

Damn you for hurting me so much! Damn you for making me fall in love with you again! Damn you for getting the children involved! Damn you for making me know what love really feels like! Damn you for being a coward! Damn you for making me believe you! Damn you for all of this pain I'm in! Don't you know how much I love you? Don't you think that this hurts me more every second? Don't you know how much I hate being in this thing with J? Don't you know that I gave up everything for you? Don't you know that I hate doubting my sanity? Damn you for making my friends think I'm nuts! Damn you for letting me believe that you had come to rescue me from this hell that I'm living in! Damn you for letting me believe that you would never abandon me! Don't you know how much this hurts? Don't you realize that you have always been my only love? Don't you know that I don't want to be this girl? When I was waiting for you to come back it was so good, so wonderful, I was able to cope because I always held onto the hope of us. Damn you for taking that hope away! Now what am I supposed to believe in? Now what is going to rescue me? Now who is going to take control of me? I've been waiting for someone like you, I've been waiting to hand the reins over, I've been wanting someone to dominate me the way that I've dominated everything else. Damn you for making me believe! I want to hate you so bad, but I can't, all I can do is keep on loving you, believing in you, dreaming of you....

It hurts

"The only aphrodisiac I need is your voice"...Oh yes this song was designed for us. I have been fading in and out of this black hole that I'm not really enjoying it. The tears keep pouring down my face. This is one of the most painful days I have had to live through in quite sometime. This day is pure torture, I should be in the shower because J is on his way over, but I don't want to! I don't want to deal with him, I don't want to have him touch me, it's you or a stranger...But not some damn substitute relationship that will never ever amount to shit.

My Queens Mix

Listening to this over and over again! It makes me feel closer to myself, than I have in a long ass time. Yes, it also makes me think of you, but at this stage in the game everything makes me think of you. NIN is playing...I should be cleaning the house and showering right now, but this song called me to the computer to pour out a few of my thoughts.

I wish that you were going to be here when I get my collar back from the artist. It's going to a thing of wondrous beauty and fully functional. Since it wasn't going to cost me that much, I ordered matching ankle and wrist cuffs as well. The design is what we talked about, the skulls and butterflies...Anyway they are going to be beautiful. I'm so excited to get them, but...Without someone to use them with it's not quite as much fun. I've never had an entire set specially made for me, I find it quite erotic. Okay, this song is going to make me cry...I need to get back to cleaning before they just roll out of my face.

Do you realize what today is?

Today was going to be the first day of our new lives. I still have some of my things packed...I woke up nearly in tears before my eyes were even fully open. Today is going to be a very very hard day for me. I was counting on us so much. Now, I'm back to the things that I have to do to survive. I don't want to be in this position anymore, I don't want to be at his beck and call, I don't give a shit about the money. What's money when there isn't any love? What's money when there isn't any reality? What's money when he's married? I'm not ever going to settle down with this one, it's all about bettering my life and the girls' lives. I feel so let down by you, I miss you so much! I was throwing up foamy bubbles this morning driving the adopted one to school, I couldn't stop gagging, it was horrible. I'm sure it's all stress related. I'm still not eating properly, I cry over everything, and just generally have a horrible outlook towards life right now.

In some small way, I'm looking forward to getting back together with J, at least I can beat the living shit out of him and take out all of my frustrations. Today...He's going to feel pain that he has only ever imagined, today he will be my complete slave. I'm not able to let go, so, I'll vent on whatever becomes available. J has no idea what's coming, poor fool is going to fall even more in love with me once I'm done with him. The funny part is, I don't need him to love me, I really don't even want him to love me, I just want to fulfill my destiny.