Confused

I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't want to be the cause of your pain anymore than you want to be the source of mine, and yet, we are drawn into each other even more. I love talking to you on messenger, I love that you can see all of my thoughts even when I'm not saying it...I wish that you could have a camera where you are, but I'm sure it's forbidden, but then why isn't the computer forbidden? I'm sure there are plenty of things that I just don't understand. My king is there ever going to be a way for us to be able to fully share all of our knowledge? We were all over the board today in our conversations...my ADD is working overtime with the holidays and the stress...sorry about that. I didn't mean to be such a bitch and call you weak, but look at it from my shoes for a minute.

I have always respected you. I always saw you as this great individual who would always have the world by the balls, willing to jump into anything if you thought the experience would benefit your life, I always saw you in control. I never saw someone behind the scenes...I only saw you as the source of your strength. I'm sorry I was so hurtful. I meant every bit of what I said today...I thought this last bit was poignant in my confusion.

U says: r u still there?
jd says: yes
jd says: one min
jd says: baby
U says: what my king
jd says: i wanted so much to give you the world but it has been stolen (at this point the camera has been turned off and the tears just start pouring down my face. I don't need to be brave anymore.)
jd says: what kind of happiness can i give you
U says: i don't know right now, but there has got to be some way we can spend some time together somewhere I need you I need to fulfill this thing that is us even if it has no begining and no end even if it's just this fleeting moment in time of pure happiness. I just need to know that what I feel is real that it isn't some kind of sick twisted fantasy I've been living in i need it more than I need air right now. I do hurt when I think about us but it does hurt so good in so many ways and always, there is this hope that one day things will change either I'll know it was a fantasy, or, it will have been confirmed that there really is a higher power that comes when you are happy and in love even if for a second in time.
U says: jd?
jd says: ok
jd says: i was reading
jd says: what you wrote
jd says: i have to go
U says: ok

I have to get my shit together and go mail my mom her things...