Conversation with Sarah-do

Sarah-do says: Hey there
Sarah-do says: snowed in?
Sarah-do says: pooooooooooooooooooooooo
U says: nope...I was out earlier, but now I'm getting ready for J
Sarah-do says: how is everything with you?
U says: I have a mask on my face...I look like smurfette
U says: falling apart again.
U says: jd has stopped talking to me again
U says: so now, I'm all alone again
U says: I hate this
U says: men suck
Sarah-do says: but I thought he broke your heart - why would you let him back in?
U says: because I adore him
U says: I would let him in again and again and again till I die
U says: fuck, my face is dry...I need to go wash this shit off and get ready to be the pretty pet all over again.
Sarah-do says: you are a masochist, I guess
Sarah-do says: do you like your life?
U says: I am beyond masochist at this stage...I am pain
U says: no I hate it
U says: but what am I to do?
U says: I can't find a real job because of my record
Sarah-do says: Oh U, I don't know. Sometimes I guess I feel you embrace the pain in life because you feel it is you
U says: and besides, smoking dope, drinking wine, working on the book, and getting fucked isn't that horrible
U says: it is me
Sarah-do says: no it's not. not at all
U says: haven't you figured that out after all of these years
Sarah-do says: yes, but I guess I have been trying to figure out if people can really change
U says: look, I send my husband to NY with girls blowing him in the car...I send J to FL with other girls...
Sarah-do says: like me - can I change to be the person I dream I am
U says: no, people don't change
U says: essentially we stay the same, yes the outside appearance changes to please others, but inside, we always remain the same
Sarah-do says: yeah, I feel that way - - but I have hope I am wrong about myself
U says: we are all chameleons, able to blend in when needed
Sarah-do says: that is true - but maybe there is a way to bring out better qualities of myself - like the determination I use to feel when I was younger
U says: if you dream you are a certain person...Innately that is who you are, Sarah, you have been hiding your true identity all of these years, always trying to be the chameleon
Sarah-do says: who am I then?
U says: you try to please to many people
U says: that's for you to figure out my love
U says: I am pain
U says: what are you?
Sarah-do says: I am forgiveness
U says: I have a giant black cloud that has dominated my entire life, I have known nothing other than rejection and sadness, I am always those things
U says: yes you are...
U says: so are you and Smiles talking again?
Sarah-do says: that was the first thing that came to my mind
U says: I know it did
U says: shit...I got to wash this off...My face feels like it's cracking
Sarah-do says:
no - but I will soon. I needed a little time to let the embers die down inside me
U says: understandable
U says: I have to go
U says: J is going to be here soon and I'm still blue
Sarah-do says: ok - blue bunny
U says: don't make me laugh...Face is cracking
Sarah-do says: I am going to NYC this weekend - shopping and retreat to concrete
U says: wish I could go...But I have the girls Sat/Sun...I was going to try to go on Monday
U says: J will be FL with his family