Do you realize what today is?

Today was going to be the first day of our new lives. I still have some of my things packed...I woke up nearly in tears before my eyes were even fully open. Today is going to be a very very hard day for me. I was counting on us so much. Now, I'm back to the things that I have to do to survive. I don't want to be in this position anymore, I don't want to be at his beck and call, I don't give a shit about the money. What's money when there isn't any love? What's money when there isn't any reality? What's money when he's married? I'm not ever going to settle down with this one, it's all about bettering my life and the girls' lives. I feel so let down by you, I miss you so much! I was throwing up foamy bubbles this morning driving the adopted one to school, I couldn't stop gagging, it was horrible. I'm sure it's all stress related. I'm still not eating properly, I cry over everything, and just generally have a horrible outlook towards life right now.

In some small way, I'm looking forward to getting back together with J, at least I can beat the living shit out of him and take out all of my frustrations. Today...He's going to feel pain that he has only ever imagined, today he will be my complete slave. I'm not able to let go, so, I'll vent on whatever becomes available. J has no idea what's coming, poor fool is going to fall even more in love with me once I'm done with him. The funny part is, I don't need him to love me, I really don't even want him to love me, I just want to fulfill my destiny.