Insomnia

Sitting here wondering if you are online right now too...I know you have the same issues that I do about sleeping an entire night through. Hell, maybe it's not insomnia, maybe I just wake up really really early. This sucks though! Between not eating and not sleeping, I'm turning into a shell of my old self, and to think, it's all because of you! You who decided to put my heart through the ringer, you who released me from my light bondage! I miss that so much. I loved it when we were connected all of the time, there wasn't a moment that went by that I didn't have that earpiece in. How many nights did I fall asleep with you whispering in my ear? Not enough that's for damn sure.

I wonder, are you actually reading this? Or have you become a complete coward, to afraid to face up to his own reality? Do you know what bothers me the most out of all of this? That I actually believed you, I mean I fell for every word you uttered, hook, line, and sinker. I didn't even doubt you for a second, I thought that you would never lie to me, and especially not like that. The craziest thing about all of this, is that I still love you more than life. I've loved you my entire life, and just giving up on you now is nearly impossible. I mean really, how does one just quit loving someone? I don't think it's possible, and I surely don't think it's going to happen any time soon. Yes, each passing day does make it just a tiny bit easier, but when a love has endured as long as mine has for you, it doesn't die, it just gets reshelved till a later date. One day I'll be ready to deal with the pain and really let you go, but not yet, I'm still holding onto the hope that once you get back to Connecticut, you will come to your senses again and leave that bitch behind. Okay, that's not fair, I don't even know her, so really how can I call her a bitch? Easy, because I am who I am and that isn't going to change.

I know who you are, I know you inside and out, there is absolutely nothing that could scare me away, not even Bisexual Playground...Told you I'm smart. I probably should have done my research first, but...Again I believed you, so why would I do a check on you? You got so worked up when you found out that I was having you checked out...Of course, if you were telling me the truth, I can understand why you got so upset, but if you were lying...It wasn't that you were upset, you were nervous. Were you afraid that I would find out everything? Well, too late, I have. I should have been the detective, not Bobby, oh well, at least one of us made it. I should be happy that Bobby is a detective, he set me straight on all of this, he made sure that I knew that you were lying. Bobby couldn't believe that you suckered me in the way that you did...He's never known me to take any shit from anyone, so when this happened between us, he had to work overtime to pick up the pieces. Unfortunately, he is of the same mind as Smiles on this one and thinks that it might just be time for me to go away for a little vacation to the funny farm. Everyone close to me is doubting my sanity, except the adopted one, she knows that I didn't make this up, but everyone else...

God, I miss you so much! I long to hear your voice in my ear again...I've been calling your phone just to hear your voice on your outgoing message. It soothes my soul when I hear it's timbre. Why is that when you are the one that turned my world upside down?

I feel like I could just sit here typing all night long...Ranting to anyone that might be listening. Unfortunately, the little ones are sleeping on the couch tonight and I can already hear them stirring from the sounds of me typing and crying. I don't want to wake them up, they have had an extremely busy weekend. A swim meet yesterday, a church Christmas pageant today, and their school choral concert is tomorrow. They do need to be well rested for these things.