It's been a rough day

I don't even know where to begin, I have had so many things buzzing through my head all day long. I have been so broken inside today. Driving back from Harrisburg wasn't too bad other than the ticket, the girls played with their Gameboys the whole way, other than when I made them read for forty-five minutes. Every time anyone asks them what their favorite present is they immediately announce, "My Gameboy", in unison. I guess the day started to go sour when I got that damn ticket, to think, I was only about 25 miles from Pittsburgh. I almost made it the whole way, oh well, I was bound to get stopped sooner or later with all of the driving I have been doing.

We were rushing back to get to swim team at one, only to find out that they were really supposed to be at the two o'clock practice. The coach let them practice with the other group anyway and told them they could come to either practice the rest of the week. While I was sitting in the bleachers watching the girls swim I realized again how much a part of me you are. You are in everything that I see, I do, I smell, I don't know how to describe it. It's as if all of this time I built my life around things that reminded me of you without even realizing it until you were back again. Anyway, swim team...Since I had a bit of free time, I decided to copy some of the text messages down that you sent me. Reading some of them almost brought me to tears, while others infuriated me, "My queen assure your friends that I will bring you only joy."

"My queen you consume me, I have given all I am to you. I do not live unless you allow it. I love you my dark queen."

Did you really mean any of it? You knew what was to come...Why did you ever answer that damn email? I'm not going to dwell on these questions...I musn't allow it.

Mother has lost her mind. Even she feels that her grasp on reality is slipping. The connection just came to me...Oh my god! Father went to the rehab to get sober after years and years of abuse, my twin siblings told me that Father was hearing voices and seeing people who weren't alive anymore. Mother said the same thing the other day. She swore that someone was in her trailer...Yes the shame of it she lives in a trailer now. She has never sunk this low before. I'm worried about her, she fell down Christmas morning and whacked her head, I had to arrange for a taxi to take her to the ER, she wouldn't let me call an ambulance, and none of my family would go get her...They didn't find anything, but she made a follow up appointment with her doctor. I couldn't bring myself to go see her. I didn't want the girls to see her in this condition and honestly, I don't know if I can handle it right now. I'm not very stable myself at this point. I still find myself longing to cut myself, I need to release the pain that is inside of me, but I'll keep my word to you. As I was waiting for the laundry cycle to finish earlier, I kept running my fingers over the scars feeling a sense of satisfaction in it.

J and I are fighting still...I can't find it in my heart to be nice to him anymore. He annoys me so much sometimes, if it is possible for anyone to be anymore impatient than me, it is him! He has been calling me for the last few days and pestering me about when I'm going to come to FL. When I told him that C has an orchestra concert he just about flipped, telling me that I need to skip an event here and there. I lost it, I believe I said something along the lines of just because he's an absentee parent doesn't mean I am going to be and that he should realize by now that everything I do I do for them. Everything revolves around making their lives better than mine. Why else does he think I put up with his whining ass? He keeps threatening to leave me, this is getting really old as far as I'm concerned. He can leave if he wants. There are other men out there with a lot more to offer me, but he'll never find another one of me. I'm just too twisted in all the right ways for him. Unfortunately, he isn't twisted enough for me. He will never be the one to tame me so he might as well quit trying now while we still might have a chance of getting along...But is that even what I really want? How the hell do I know? I can't even think about anything except how much you hurt me.

I keep turning to my hubby in this time of crisis. Reaching out to him in so many ways, and getting rejected on some levels and revived on others. He knows me well, and has already been bitten by me once before, I'm not so sure he's willing to trust my emotions right now. Besides, I do believe that I always come back to him...After everyone else tramps on my heart I run back to him and he picks up the pieces. It's amazing the way he does it for me time and time again, I do love him in so many ways. If only we could figure out a way to live in the same house...I've been on the messenger with him the entire time I've been writing this. I turned him onto my blog tonight for the first time. I liked watching his reactions to what he was reading and listening to.

My eyes are getting heavy. I know the girls will be up at the crack of dawn, so I better try to catch some sleep while I can.