Not so good of a morning

I've started to dream again and I don't like what I'm seeing. Last night I kept seeing Rachel and Ryan...I don't think she is going to be so lucky the next time he beats her. Taking her to the eye doctor yesterday was enough fuel to tap me into their energy. After listening to her tell me all about the years and years of abuse, seeing her broken body, her nearly blinded eye, and to think, I was seeing her nearly a week later. The moment I walked into their house yesterday I knew that something terrible had happened to her, I asked her immediately. I hadn't even taken more than two steps into their home before I noticed how battered she looked.

Of course Ryan started in with the lies, trying to cover his actions just like any other typical abuser, I feel so terrible for Rachel, but what is she going to do? They have been together forever at this point and they have four children, two of which are too young to be around this for much longer. It's just a matter of time before he starts in on them, he's already beat the eldest daughter...I pray that she gets the help that she needs and gets the hell out of there. The adopted one and I told her she could come here if she wants, but she doesn't want to leave the kids. I can't blame her for that! Besides, you can see the fear in her face when you mention leaving, she doesn't know anything else, those kids don't know anything else, and she is so determined not to lose them, she loves those children more than her own life. Something will give though, we just need a little time to put it all together.

I kept waking up last night thinking about you, feeling your breath on my neck and then I'd open my eyes and you were gone again. I've got to have some final proof of what is real and what isn't. Hopefully Wednesday will bring me the news that I want and not what I fear. You really have turned our entire world upside down over here. I want to know why you did it? Why did you ever answer that email? If you knew what was to come your way as you so eloquently put it, then why did you do it? I know you call your self pain and that it is all apart of this persona that you have developed over the years, but darling, don't you think that I've had enough of my own? Weren't you listening to me when I told you all that has happened all that has come my way? How could you miss out on the giant black cloud that continues to linger over my head? Did you think that it was all some fantastic story that I made up for your amusement? Did you think that you needed to out do me? Is that what this really was all about? Why do I keep questioning you like you are really ever going to be man enough to answer? I really don't want to find out that you are nothing more than a lying cowardly man who couldn't admit the truth about his life.

The adopted one is sick this morning. I hope she is going to be okay. She's still pushing through trying to get ready for work. I wouldn't if I was her. What's the benefit of banging the boss if you can't call off when your sick?

I'm so excited about my new collar! I met with the artist yesterday evening for about forty minutes, I was a nervous wreck ordering it because I kept thinking dirty nasty perverted thoughts the entire time I was there. As I was walking around his house seeing all of the things that he has created for his and his girlfriend's use, I couldn't help thinking about you and the life that we were going to lead.

I've got to go for now...The girls just woke up and they are hungry little munchkins. We have another swim meet today so it might be awhile before I'm back. Tons to do when they are here. Maybe that's part of what scared you away...