Reprieve

I'm going to have a small reprieve till January 3, or somewhere in that neighborhood. J leaves with his family tomorrow. I am so fucking happy! I can't stand being with him anymore, but I want a new life and to get it, I must do things that I'm not always proud of. It's so hard to get into things with him, I just feel so disgusted, I can't even pretend to like it most of the time. Today, I could hear the difference in my voice as I pretended to cum versus when I really do orgasm. Today I sounded hollow. There was absolutely no feeling in me, all I could do to keep from breaking down in tears was to think of you and how good it should have been. How wonderful it would be...But I digress. I knew that if I wanted my trip to NY I would have to kiss some serious ass today and I just couldn't do it. I got half of what my trip is going to end up costing me. Oh, and he tried to tell me today that I needed to stay home instead of going to NY, that there wasn't anything but trouble up there for me, that I wouldn't be able to handle myself. Does he even know who he is talking to? Christ, I used to live there for years, I think I can handle my friends. He's just scared I'm going to have too much fun. He knows that I'm probably going to stay with either my ex-boyfriend or my husband, both of whom I'm still on a fucking basis with. Funny thing is, he wants me to bring my ex-boyfriend to FL this winter.

The adopted one just called, she's going to be home in about 15 minutes with her boyfriend, I need to clean up all of the J evidence. I'll try to write more before I go out.

I know today was torture for you! I wouldn't find it very peaceful either. It's hard to quite the demons in our minds. Our lives our on some sort of crazy parallel, that's what I've been trying to point out regarding all of the dates.