Sleep

I can't seem to get enough of this magical beast lately...I think it's due to the broken heart, but I can't be too sure. I haven't really been able to eat all that well either, last night I went out with Smiles to dinner. We went to Buffalo Blues, I was so proud of myself, I ate 3 wings and three quarters of a hamburger with bacon, provolone, grilled onions, mushrooms, lettuce and tomato. It's the most I have eaten since your "surgery".

After dinner, I came back home to pick up the adopted one. (Yeah, she's a bit pissed at you to, you really made her believe you, you really made her feel loved too and now? Oh well, let's not dwell on the pain right now, I can't start cutting myself while I'm still so sick.) We were getting ready to go out dancing at Havana, I got a little bit of snow the other day when I was feeling suicidal, so we broke it out and did a few, then we smoked a fatty and rolled out to the club. The music was great last night, I could finally feel something other than pain, it was nice, but it didn't last too long. About half way through the night Buffalo Blues came back to haunt me and made me so sick that I thought I was going to die. I couldn't stop running to the bathroom trying to make myself throw-up, but to no avail it just wouldn't happen. A bunch of my other girls showed up and they were all having a really great time, that is except me...They were all partying and all I could think about was dying. Sarah-do gave me a rolaids from the bottom of her purse trying to make me feel better, little did she know but the damn thing was covered in perfume! That was the end of me! I couldn't keep it down anymore, I knew that I was going to ralph right there in the middle of the club, but luckily Lolo came to my rescue and ushered me home with the quickness.

Once we got here, she helped me by holding my hair while I expelled all that was in me. It wasn't a pleasant sight and it wasn't easy. I think that my body just isn't ready for solid food yet, I'm still pining over you too much. After she helped clean me up we laid down together and she rubbed my belly for hours. Caressing me, sliding her hand down my stomach reaching down running her hands over my pubic mound, getting me excited even though I felt so awful. She was amazed that I was completely shaved...Doesn't everyone shave? I could tell that she wanted me so much, but I couldn't bring myself to do her last night. She has never been with a woman before, I want to make sure that it's done right. Being this sick is not right.

I'm such a wreck right now. I can't stop crying. I hate this! You made me crazy, I'm really starting to doubt my own sanity lately. I don't know what the truth is anymore...You have confused me so damn much. I want to believe every word that you said. I want to so bad, but there are so many holes in your story, so many things that just don't make sense. I've lived the life, I've seen many, many things and no one with those credentials would ever tell anyone...Did you really love me is that why you told me? Or was it just a great story to try and top my reality? Did you need to compete with me? Were you trying to pay me back for what happened to you all of those years ago? Did you blame me for where you ended up? Why did you buy the girls presents for Christmas if you weren't planning on being here? Why did you have me call the lawyers and talk to Dan? Did you ever even tell your wife? What end is up my love? What is the truth in all of this? Where are you really? What has happened to you? There are a thousand more questions that I want to ask you. Do you see what you have done? Do you see the torment that you have caused in my soul, the confusion in my brain? Was that your plan, to have me end up committed? Smiles wants to sign me in for a while, she's afraid I'm going to do something. Are you you happy now?

My phone is ringing...It's the metal artist who I was going to commission to make our collars. I'm going to see him later and still have mine made, I could use a nice new piece. Besides, he is incredibly sexy, who knows maybe I'll play a few games with him and his wife. There really is nothing better than dominating a couple...But maybe this time I let her take control. I'm dying to hand my reins over to someone but who? I thought you were the one, but apparently I was wrong! I really should hit the shower now and try to shake the last of this nausea...A few puffs and I'll be feeling much, much better!