Trouble is brewing

I have gone above and beyond in my absolute cruelty to J. I haven't kissed him, I haven't caressed him, it has only been rough and painful for him since he came back to town. I haven't been able to behave properly, I have been down right defiant and rude to him. Demanding money, not fucking him and then tossing him out of my house. I think that we've fucked 10 times since he's been home...He's used to getting it 2-3 times a day from me. I can't do it though, I'm disgusted with my life, with myself for what position I have allowed myself to get into, and all because I'm weak. Yes, I am tired of being alone, I'm tired of struggling for every last scrap, I'm tired of fighting for my independence...So I gave in and I tried to let him take control of every aspect of my life, but there is a huge piece missing, I don't love him, and I never will. Money isn't happiness...It took me all this time to finally figure it out. I think it also helped quite a bit that you choose worldly things over me, but that's neither here nor there. As you have said repeatedly, I don't understand. I guess I never will either.

When he left today he was in a rare mood. I don't think he will be coming back again...But of course, he is addicted to my sex, so, who really knows what will happen. He told me today that ever since right before Thanksgiving I haven't been the same. I wonder why? He was trying to figure out what happened to me that made me change my outward appearance so much, all I can say is that it's the holidays...They always get me down. This year is going to be particularly hard, I was so looking forward to spending them with you. Breakfast at Tiffany's...Snowy mornings and hot chocolate. Why do I torture myself with these memories of promises that will never come true? Why do I continue along this path? Why do I long to still hear your voice? I really should get my shit together...Try to go out and find a job. It's so hard in this city though...Everything is bankrupt and I've got a record. Those two things don't really go hand and hand so well.