Why did you do it?

I really should have been keeping a log of all of this as it was happening, it's just to fantastic to really believe! How could you do it? How could you let me fall in love with you all over again if you knew what was coming? Really love, how much of what you told me is true? I don't want to doubt you, but some of what you said is just too over the top. Do you know how much it fucking hurts not having you? I've become obsessed with my blood...Yes, you have driven me to become a cutter. I love it! I never thought that I would want to see my own blood, but there is something satisfying knowing that I just sliced myself open for you. I was only supposed to bleed for you from now till eternity, do you remember that? Do you remember everything you said to me? All of the promises that you made? Monday...We were to be reunited on then. I dread Monday now, it is going to be one of the most painful days so far...That is, other than the day you ended it all.

You know that we are matched for each other in a way that no other has ever seen. You know that with just words we were able to keep each other satisfied. Imagine what would have been when we were actually reunited. Damn baby it would have been so fucking hot! I still hear you growling in my ear, I hear you whispering dirty words in my ear as I play with myself. I think of you often...Oh, it hurts so much, I can barely stand it. I'm listening to the mix that you made for me and the tears are pouring down my face as I write this to you...Yes of course this is to you. I promised that I would leave a trail didn't I? Staring at your picture seeing all that you are, why do I keep torturing myself? Oh god I fell for you! Maybe if I would have listened to the words of the songs just a little bit closer I would have seen this coming. You have made me doubt my sanity...You have made me fall back into the clutches of my deadliest addiction. Yeah, you know the one, sex, I always used it to obliterate the pain when we were younger, why wouldn't I do it now?

The other night at the club...I was talking to someone who had your striking eyes, dark hair, and build...Talking mind you was all I had in mind, till he leaned in and growled just like you. I couldn't contain myself. I wanted, no, I needed you so much and you were in where? Costa Rica? Florida? Columbia? Who knows for sure. I didn't even need him to say another word, I just leaned in and put on all the charm, "Oh of course I remember you. (smile pretty and bat the lashes) Bill isn't it? Yeah I used to date him, but I had the biggest crush on you. (blush) Would you like to come back to my place for a bit?" Yeah that's all it took and bam he was on his way home with me. The fucked up part of it all is that the entire time all I could think about was you, I wanted him to turn into you so bad! I was so rough I don't think he'll ever want to come back.

When we got here, there was the preliminary small talk which was quickly circumvented by my pulsing desire to just get fucked! I wanted hard and rough, I wanted my hair pulled, my throat bitten, my body beaten by you, but he wasn't you and acted so gentle, so kind...It was boring! So what did I do I decided that if I couldn't beat you for what I was feeling then this young you look alike was going to get all of the pleasurable pain...All that had once been reserved for you. (Damn the tears are coming so much harder now..."A robot learns to feel" is playing, that's you talking to me again isn't it? You do still care...I know you still love me, but why this way?) I let him get on top of me just so that I could dig my nails into his back as deep as allowed for a new fuck and then deeper still till I made him growl. Then for that split second he was you.

For that one moment in time I was happy as if I was in your arms. This could have been so great you and I are cut from the same cloth, no one else has the same capabilities for finding such great pleasure in the pain and the blood!

He wasn't you though and he couldn't take the pain. He flinched when I bit him he pushed me away when I tried to draw blood. I threw him down on the bed and smacked him hard in the face.

"Fucking take it you bitch", I believe were the words I spat at him as I raked my nails down his chest.

His eyes opened and pleaded me to stop, but I was in a frenzy now, I couldn't control myself, I wanted to hurt him the way that you like to be hurt. I dug deeper into his thighs with my nails trying to break the skin, but he grabbed me and threw me down on my stomach wrapped my hair around his fist and tried to jam his cock into me...One small problem. He couldn't stand the pain, so he had no erection! So what the fuck I get double nothing on this night! I tried to ease the fear, but at this point it was too much, it had already taken control of his body and he couldn't find a way back to being aroused no matter what tricks I pulled...And darling you know I know most of the good ones.

We finally fell asleep for a few hours, and he fit next to me the way that you would...All it did was make me want you more, crave you more, because no one, and I mean no one could ever hold a candle to you. You have consumed my soul completely and I fear that I will not be able to live a normal life now because of it. You are my perfect man...Especially if everything that you told me is true...And if it's not all true...