I must be better

I must be, otherwise, I would still be laying in my bed fast asleep. The first thing to come back full force of course, had to be my insomnia. I've been tossing and turning in bed for the last few hours, trying desperately to go back to sleep. I lost the battle and decided to come to the computer, I wanted to see if you were online, I know you have the same difficulties at night that I have. You have been the star of my dreams the last few nights, it doesn't help when the girls are always asking about you either. Every time they come over, they see the key chain I bought for you, Bad Badtz-Maru, hanging above my bed and they question me all about you. It's so weird, they have never ever liked a man that I have brought home, they haven't even met you and I think that they really like you. Why? Why did they have to get involved in all of this mess? They talk about you constantly, asking questions all of the time, wondering if you are better yet and when I'm going to send that to you, I haven't got the heart to tell them the truth about you, it just might crush their little hearts.

It's so damn cold over here by the computer, I need to make a cup of tea and get back under the blankets. I'll make a cup of Sleepy Time, I need a few more hours of sleep before I must face J.

Patience is something I need to learn

The adopted one came over last night for a few minutes, throwing attitude like she owns the world. I was reading to the girls when she came in and started her shit, I tried to ignore her, but I took the bait and flipped out on her demanding that she get her shit out of my house immediately.

Then she tried this flippant approach, "It's not the first yet..."

Of course I had to get the best of her with, "Whatever you don't have out of here by Monday will be put out for the trash and the locks will be changed."

"Don't touch my stuff,"she wailed.

"After Monday anything that remains in this house will be put out for the trash and the locks will be changed."

"You won't touch my stuff."

I repeated myself again.

"My mom will be here tomorrow with her truck to help me move."

Trying to be diplomatic about the situation, "The girls will be back from their slumber party around noon, I want your stuff out before they come home."

"My mom will be here tomorrow with her truck to help me move," she repeated,"after her exercise class."

"Get out." I finally said. I couldn't contain the rage boiling inside of me any longer.

She seems to forget who she is dealing with. I don't really give a flying fuck about her and her $20 outfits. I have ultimate control in my home, which she is no longer a part of...So, suffice it to say, I will throw her trashy shit out of here quite easily. I'll probably even take great pleasure in it. I am quite a bitch after all when I need to be, or hell, even when I just want to be. Ask J, he sees that side of me all of the time. It took everything for me not to just start throwing her shit out of here. Had the girls not been here, I probably would have done exactly that. I was going to take the girls ice skating today, but now, I feel the need to sit here and watch her move. I don't trust her at all, especially since I'm missing clothes, some of which I found in her closet, others of which she feigns ignorance...Bullshit! Also, I need to figure out a way to approach her about paying for Sarah-do's book, which after talking to Sarah-do, I find out is basically irreplaceable, it was a gift from the author. How does one replace sentiment? You don't! The book is so fucked up though, that I couldn't in my right mind return it in that condition. I borrowed it, so I am responsible for it, even if I didn't actually do the damage, it was in my house, on my bookshelf...Till the adopted one decided to read it, it was in great condition. I'm an avid book collector, I would never ever treat a book, poorly, hell, I don't even break the bindings on my paperbacks...

Crazy D just called, the girls are up and ready to go. I better jump in the shower real quick and get over there.

Getting stronger

Let's try this again...I had the whole damn blog typed out and the computer crashed. That's just the type of luck that I have. I'm feeling much stronger today than I have in awhile, hopefully this will all end soon. I'm picking the girls up tonight at six from swim practice, we have a meet early tomorrow morning. Hopefully this weekend won't wipe me out too much. I've already set up a slumber party at a friend's house for Saturday night so that I can get a little rest and they can see their friend before she moves to Maine. Z is moving with her mom at the end of February, so we are going to try to get the girls all together as much as possible before then. Their circle of friends is getting smaller just like mine.

Friends, really what are they? I'm starting to realize that I don't have any real friends, not even my hubby is a friend. They are all too busy with their lives to even pick up the phone to see how I am. Promises of I'll call you later are never fulfilled. Yesterday, Smiles came over for a little bit, she was so kind to let me borrow her iPod while I was in the hospital. She vacuumed my living room for me and then raided my CD stash for music to upload onto her iPod. Everything comes with a price though, this morning she wanted to know if I could drive her son to school, I felt like a royal shit telling her no, but honestly, I haven't been out of my house at all since getting home from the hospital. I don't plan on leaving it till I have to leave to pick up the girls. I am so wiped out from yesterday...I never did take that nap, instead, I did laundry, up and down two flights of stairs, and I packed up the adopted one's shit. At least the stuff that was in any of the common areas, I'm not messing with her room, she can deal with that herself. When I went upstairs yesterday looking for dirty laundry in the twins room, I came across a few of my towels in the adopted one's room, so I picked them up only to find that she had borrowed a few of my books...Fine, if you respect them, instead, she had folded down the pages of one of my girlfriend's hardbacks. Now, I've got to pay to replace that book! This child has done nothing but cost me money and cause me headaches. I only let her stay because I thought I would be moving on to something better, something greater, something that I had waited for my entire adult life. Now, I know better. There is no sense in waiting for anyone or anything, life must go on.

It's funny, I almost lost my life once again this winter, laid up in the hospital dying from the unknown. They still haven't really diagnosed me with anything real. Oh well, I'm used to conventional medicine not knowing what's wrong with me. Just like the last time I almost died...It took them a month to figure it all out that time, and in the interim, the doctor almost killed me by prescribing the wrong medicines. Well, when your delirious, you see things a whole lot differently. It may sound strange to some, but those of you who really know me, know that I relish in the strange, my thoughts become so much clearer when I'm in these fugue states. I see things I normally don't allow my mind to entertain, I become in touch with my subconscious. This time around I've realized so much about myself and my life, it's time for some major changes, I have found my path, now I must follow it, wherever it may lead me. My book will get written, and I will run for president, just in the interim, I need to start concentrating on another calling.

Back to friends...Sarah-do...Lovely girl that she is brought me some clothes while I was in the hospital, and picked me up the day I got out, otherwise, I can't get her on the phone to save my life. I asked her to look into apartments for me before I went to FL, still nothing from her in my inbox, does she think I'm playing? Does she think I want to live in this apartment with the ceilings falling down around us any longer? She works for one of the better real estate companies managing apartments, it's not asking much of her, matter of fact, I'm merely asking her to do her job. As if I were any other consumer, but no, I'm a "friend" so I get the "friend" treatment, which means no calls returned and no pictures of apartments in my inbox as promised. Oh well, I know she is so busy...

The hubby, well, he was great while I was in the hospital, I could call him at anytime and he would take the call. Now that I'm out, I can't reach him for shit. I've left message after message, if I happen to catch him, he promises to call later, and then I don't hear from him for days. How am I supposed to get my medical bills paid if he won't give me the financial statements? Does he enjoy playing these fucking games with me over and over again? I'm tired of being there for everyone else and when I need something or someone, I get shut out. It reminds me of the friends I had back at the milt, I would always remember everyone's birthday, bake them cakes, decorate their lockers, etc...Never ever did anyone remember mine. I choose the wrong people to be my friends continuously. I'm so damn tired of it all.

The only person who has been by my side consistently is the one person I never expected it of, J, he has been unbelievable kind and considerate. He was by my side everyday in the hospital and has been to my house everyday since I got home. He even helped me do laundry and make my bed yesterday. That is completely out of character for him. Something has begun to shift in our relationship, I'm starting to realize that I may be more to him than just another possession, a pretty pet, I may actually be human. He may actually have real feelings for me, that is good and bad on so many levels. How can I ever allow myself to have feelings for someone who is married? Is it even an option? No, I don't think it is, that puts me right back into the sitting and waiting situation...I'll ponder this more later. J just called me, wanting to know what I want to eat for lunch, he's going to pick up Chinese, God, I hope I can eat it, I'm starving! Nothing seems to really sit well with me, but Moo Shu should be easy to digest and some soup of course!

Finding freedom in the little things.

Today I found myself unable to stop myself from picking up the phone to call the adopted one and throwing her out on the curb. I feel so much better since I did this little motion. I gave her till the end of tonight to bring me my keys back and get her shit out. I don't need the hassles that she brings and the utter lack of respect that she has for myself and my house. I did her a huge favor by letting her in here when her mother was beating her, all I asked is that she respected me, she couldn't do this so fuck her. I don't need a teenage daughter...

I still feel so weak, just trying to do the laundry is taking all of my energy. They still haven't really figured out what is wrong with me, I just know that I'm in a ton of pain as I sit here writing this. This is the first time that I have been out of bed in almost a week. I refuse to take my pain pills till I just can't stand the pain anymore. My kidneys and my liver are swollen and tender...This too shall pass just like everything else. I will get better.

Listening to your mix again, as always, it gives me the strength I need to go on. It was so nice to hear your voice again the other day. Thank you for calling when I needed you most. I hope that your life is going on the right track. I have decided that nursing school is a must! I would look so damn sexy in the uniform, besides with all of my connections with the rich old geezers in this town, I may be able to find a nice private position. Plus, it would mean only 18 more months of servitude. I wasn't meant to be controlled by anyone, I must take back control and this is the quickest way out of here. In the meantime, I will take every opportunity to stash a little cash.

I find it quite interesting that most of my readers are ex-milts...Is it some sort of coincidence? Or, is it just life coming around full circle again? I would love to ponder this more on the page, but for now, the pills are calling my name and a nice long nap.

I am better than a phoenix...I am a cat.

A cry for help...

Alone

I feel so alone down here with J...I can't relax at all! I really don't think that this is the life I'm meant to lead. How can one be expected to head down a path knowing that at the end of it you are still going to be all alone? I find it difficult to sleep an entire night through laying in his bed, feeling his weight on the other side of the bed isn't a comfort, it's a nightmare. This is the best and worst job that I have ever had, I'm trying to accept it, but it's so damn hard to swallow this pill.

Fuck he's up! So much for getting any writing in today.

Early morning thoughts...

I'm sure that I won't have long once I start this...J is just in the other room sleeping, but with the coffee brewing and the sound of my fingers on the keyboard he may not be asleep much longer. It's freezing in this house! I can't sleep at night because I'm chilled to the bone even with the ambient in my system I don't stay asleep. How did I think that this life was what I wanted? Yes, it's nice to get new things all of the time, but really, is life about getting things? No, it's about happiness and love neither of which I'll ever get from J. Money doesn't buy either of them, I only wish I would have realized this much earlier in my life, so many things may have been different. Growing up poor, you always think that money will solve all of your problems...Not true! The only way to ever really learn that, is to attain that level of monetary success and still be unhappy. J is a perfect example, he has everything and then some, and isn't really ever happy.

I have been thinking about you and my hubby an equal amount lately, yet in such different ways, you are my distant past, and he is my present, soon to be my past if I don't figure out what the hell I'm doing with myself. I know that he says he doesn't want to ever be with me again, well, more like he can't than doesn't want, due to my craziness. It's all good though, he still can't be with other women other than anonymous fucks, so, I've still got time to decide. Of course, we all know that my pattern is to fall for someone when I know they are out of reach...I guess I like the challenge. It keeps me on my toes. Every time I look at the ocean I see your face. I think of you and all the promises that you made...Then I wonder how I can still have such strong feelings after all these years, after all that has happened to us.

I have been longing for the blade and the blood, but I can't even get a moment to type let alone cut. The scars have got to hold me over till I get home, but it's not the same, I don't get the same freedom.

Trying to cope

This trip has been a nightmare so far. J has not given me any space to breathe, and I'm starting to feel it! Last night he went off the deep end...He can not handle mixing his alcohol at all, he just lost his shit. He tried to kick me out at one point last night because I wouldn't fight with him...Yeah this is getting more and more twisted. I just told him that he wasn't going to get me to fight and that he just needed to go and sleep the buzz away, it took awhile, but it finally sank through the fuzz. I told him today that there will not be any more episodes like last night otherwise, I'm on the next plane out of here. I came here for fun and relaxation, not to fight.

All I want to do is talk to my hubby and I feel like I can't with J around. I need to tell him how insane J has become and ask his advice...

Making the best of it

I am doing my best to try and truly relax and enjoy my time in FL, but I can't get any alone time and that is driving me nuts. Every thing that I get on the computer, J finds some reason to sit at the table directly behind me so that he can see everything I'm doing. He has alluded to reading my website on several occasions, but insists that he hasn't seen it in months. Yesterday he brought up self-mutilation...Not a typical topic of conversation in his circle. I feel like I'm sneaking around right now, trying to type this out in the little bit of time I have before he is dressed. I find myself looking over my shoulder constantly...This is why I've got to get a lap top.

A stolen moment

I have not had a second to myself since getting in the limo yesterday morning. I sent him over to the other house for a moment of privacy...I needed to see if you had responded. There is no need for over clarification. I get the picture. I'll be on MSN when I'm back to the 'burgh...

Yikes!

Still haven't cleaned the bathroom...Big surprise there! I hate that! I finally got my stuff packed, hung out with Sarah-do for a bit doing the whole present thing. I love what she got me, I'm taking the Therapy Flash Cards to FL with me...That should be interesting. The first word we flipped to was abuse, then it was addiction, baggage, and then compartmentalization!!! Can you believe that? The definition was exactly like what my husband was describing...

I should probably try to get some sleep, but I feel the need to try and stay up till the limo comes.

M girl

If he was 12, then I'm sure I don't know him, unless he was a swimmer...And even then, I'm sure it would be a bit fuzzy for me. Keep reading and living through my words, I promise to keep you entertained if not anything else!

A quick response

Just for the record...I don't ever want you to stop answering me, I don't want to ever be disconnected from you again.

I was just getting ready to turn my phone off when I got that message from you...I thought it was an old text message that I had accessed somehow, and then I realized it was you and you wanted to reach out to me. That made my heart jump through my chest. My palms started to sweat and I nearly dropped the phone out of the window. It took forever for my phone to connect to the web, and even longer for each message to get to you. Hearing your voice at the end of it all made it all worthwhile. I love you so much I always will, to be apart is our destiny for this period in our lives, but that won't make me stop loving you. It's good to know that you still think of me as I dream of you. Please write whatever you are thinking and don't apologize for it or regret writing it. You should know me by now, I prefer the truth , even if it might hurt me. It's not that I thought everything you told me were lies, it's just that you happened to tell the biggest one that I ever actually fell for, and when I questioned you about it, you insisted that you were being honest, so honey, sometimes I feel a bit of resentment about it. You can understand that, right?

When I'm with J, I picture your face so that I can get through it all...FL is going to be hell! I'll have no where to escape to...he even takes me golfing when he goes, he can't bear to be apart from me. Yuck! The sun will be nice, feeling the Gulf caress my body will be nice, but otherwise, it's going to be a very long trip. When I was referring to weak men, I was thinking about J...After what you have been through, how could I ever think of you as weak again?

Did you check the source on your blog too? Whatever was hidden was supposed to be in one of our blogs...I know I sound crazy right about now. I would have loved to have done a lot more than shove you in my closet back then. Remember the greenhouse? I was forced into a flower shop not so long ago, buying flowers for D's flute performance, when the guy was in the back getting my bouquet ready, I climbed into the cooler to feel a little bit closer to you. The scent of the chilled roses and carnations took me back to those steamy sessions, my blood started to boil, I thought a little harder about you and had a mini orgasm in the cooler. The poor kid working in the shop didn't know what to do when he came out and saw me all flushed standing just inside the cooler.

I hope that you will share a bit more with me about your new projected path in life. I'll be waiting for your call later...Work? Where are you working tonight if you don't work for them anymore?

One quick question.

Are they moving you down south so that we aren't this close to each other anymore?

I've got to go for now, I must pack and clean...Things I was to do earlier today and never accomplished.

Mary

I'm sorry to hear that you lost your one and only true love as well...Would I know who he is? I love that you are able to relate to my stories, and I hope that they give you a little bit of freedom in your life. It sucks to be forced into a roll in life that doesn't bring you happiness. My name is at the very bottom of my website, I prefer not to post it up here just because of who might actually read this. I don't need to make it proof positive for anyone who might be spying like J in my stories. If I don't make it public knowledge, he can never prove it was me writing about him. I need to keep my job for now...

Anonymous:

I should have graduated in 1991, I was there for eleven years. If you look closely at my website, you should be able to figure out who I am. What world do you live in where erotic material is taboo? I asked for your name...Not just your year of graduation.

Pissed at the rain

The rain that keeps falling in my damn bedroom! Waking up to the sound of rain is nice, when it's on the outside of your house, but when it's right next to your bed, it becomes quite frustrating. Just a mere four days ago, I reported that these leaks were at it again. Empty promises made by the landlord to fix the leaks, I say empty because it's been going on four years now that I have been dealing with this bullshit! I'm furious that it has gotten to this point, usually the landlord will go out on the roof on the days when the rain has stopped and at least pretend to fix it, not this time though, he didn't even make the effort to fix any of it. One of the twins has lost her bed due to the excessive water damage to her mattress, this is too much for me! I'm contacting one of my many attorneys and getting out of what is left of my lease. I'm putting Sarah-do on apartment patrol and packing up my shit and heading out. I've got to write a nice little letter first to the landlord and snap a few shots of this, thank goodness I have the photos of these cracks and leaks from when I first moved in. I may not have communicated with him in writing, but I do have photos, and witnesses to my complaining over all of these years.

To Anonymous:

I would love to know how you found my website if it truly is that bizarre...you tell me when you went there and your name, and I'll tell you who I am. Why are you addicted to my blog? What does it for you?

Early morning musings

Been thinking tons about my hubby. He really did love me...I just took too long to realize it. I should have known though, when he sat by my side every possible second when I was sick. I should have known when he looked in my eyes on our wedding day. "Hind sight is 20/20", what a great phrase. For it is truly one of the most accurate statements I have ever heard. I can look back and see things oh so clearly now. Just looking at our wedding photos makes my heart melt. He adored me then, now, he's just one of the wounded masses struck by hurricane U. I lay here for many hours on end trying to figure out how I can get his heart to convince his head to trust me again. He told me that it's hard for him to fuck me when we are together because there are too many emotions involved, that he can't just turn them on and off like I do. Compartmentalize, I believe is the word he used to describe the way I deal with life. I wish it were that simple.

My thought on all of this...I have no real emotions. I mean I know pain well for it has been my friend on many long sleepless nights.(Side Note: My head is throbbing right now. Some idiot's car alarm is going off, it's 5:16 am! Why can't they hear it? The streets are nearly silent other than the occasional ambulance going by! It's been five minutes already...Oh thank you for finally getting up and shutting that shit off!!!) Love is something that I'm not sure I have ever really known. I think that I have loved many people in my life, but if it was love, why was I so mean to all of them? Why have I consistently pushed away everyone that I have ever truly cared about? I always realize it once they already have one foot out the door. Maybe it's the old adage, "You always want what you can't have", that makes me "realize" I'm in love. Or maybe, I just don't trust in love enough to know when it's real until I'm able to look at it from a distance. Who the hell really knows? To be honest, at this moment in time I'm too damn tired to give a damn.

Time for a nap.

The Blood

The blood cleanses my palate,
washing away the rotten taste left behind from the lies I have told to keep my life.
It flushes the acrid taste out of my mouth from the lies I have been forced to swallow.
Many lies from many men.
The worst liar being the one I worship the one who means everything to me.
Even still at this moment I worry about him and his life.
The pain is fading slowly,
the blood helps me forget,
brings me to another realm,
releases me for one glorious moment.
I live for these moments.
I am only able to steal them from time to time,
hidden from the world I slowly pull the blade across my flesh,
waiting impatiently for the tiny river to flow.
These cuts were meant for you once now it's only for me,
for my pleasure.
The pleasure of watching, tasting, and fleeing from what my life has become.
I will take control.
The blood gives me the strength I need to fight this battle.
There will be a time when I feel something other than pain again.
There will be a time when I'll fall in love again.
Now that I know my love resides not in your being any longer,
I must find a new home,
one that will withstand all that I can give,
one who will be stronger than me in the end.
No more weak men for me.

Morning world...

I who usually never dream have had two nights filled with exhausting dreaming. Last night you weren't the star of my dreams, only a bit player. It seems that the real star was MHS, I kept dreaming of that place the way it is now with all of those new buildings. We were there for a swim team reunion, which turned into an entire school reunion of only our friends. It was so strange to see all of these people in my dreams, people whose names and faces I have blocked from my memory over all of these years. There were people in my dream last night that I would never have thought of in my conscious mind ever, and yet last night I could see every detail of them as they should be now. To say the least, I woke up in a tizzy this morning, only to realize, that I can't do anything about it. I mean really, do I want to try to track down anyone else from that school? Look what happened when I found you...I really don't need a repeat of that, but no one else was ever as close to me as you were, you have known me in ways most of them only dreamt of.

Okay, I am having the worst luck this morning with my damn tea. I have now spilled it all over my leg and again all over my desk. I'm so lucky it didn't get in the keyboard again...

I really shouldn't be on here too long, I've got a few more bills to pay before the end of the month, and I really must begin packing. I leave for FL, Wednesday morning at the crack of dawn. Ten fun filled days at the beach, too bad they all are going to be with J. I should stop, he has been behaving lately. I think I really scared him when I broke up with him the last time, he knows now that I am completely irreplaceable.

I've got to run over to get waxed again before I leave...She's calling me right now telling me to hurry up and get to her house. She's got to go out and about later this afternoon, so if I want to be smooth, I need to go now.

Over and Over

Last night I dreamt of you...

I usually block my dreams from being able to come through...You know how I hate to see the future anymore. Last night was different though, last night the dreams came through the block and into my consciousness. You were the star in all of them, or was it only one long dream with many different landscapes? I can't really be sure, it's been so long since I've tried to interpret such things. These were not visions of what is to be like I normally have, these were messages, I think, messages from you about us.

At the beginning of the dream, I know that you will be coming to visit me soon, so I'm getting dressed up for you, rummaging through drawers, ripping clothes out of my closet, trying on every combination, only to settle on what I believe is my white "Pamper Me" t-shirt and a pair of jeans. As I'm waiting for you to arrive I head over the to the computer to write. I hear your voice from further along the hallway, I rush to the door of my bedroom to find you just outside, I hurtle myself into your arms, only to be pushed away by you and held at arms distance.

"Marry me," you sneer looking down at my shirt.

"Marry me? What the fuck?" I snap back, as I look down my tone changes to one of contrition, "Oh, I thought that this was a different shirt." "Marry me?!", I giggle nervously, "this shirt isn't for you."

"Stop acting like you are fifteen!" You bark at me.

"Fifteen? I think I act a lot older than that."

"Then what is this shirt?"

For a moment there is still lingering tension, you feel pressure by my shirt, I feel embarrassed that I didn't know I was wearing it. Mortified with myself for putting you on the spot when I know that your heart belongs to another, that you love her as you could never love me. I try to just ignore the tension, but it's not working, I head back into my room as if to change, when your arms wrap around my body and you pull me close to you.

"I'd marry you if I could," you whisper.

The scenery changes, we are back at the milt, in one of the bedrooms there. It's just about time for bed checks and I'm trying desperately to hide you. I try to get you to go into the closet, but there are so many shoes at the bottom that you can barely fit inside. You try to argue with me that this is not the place for you to hide, that they will look inside and find you, that we will get into trouble and lose everything. I laugh, as I shove you deeper inside and push you to the floor.

"Trust me baby, I've done this before, they won't find you." I say as I'm burying you in my clothes.

I sit down at my computer just as the houseparent walks by the door. He looks in, sees nothing out of the ordinary and continues down the hallway. I release you from your temporary prison and we fall onto my bed laughing in each other's arms. We fall back into the old ways, not needing to say a word and able to communicate everything. We lay in each other's arms all night long, swearing to each other that nothing will ever come between us. The scenery changes yet again, we wake up in each other's arms only, we are at the health center. Nurse Ungst is pissed as hell when she finds us together, she threatens me with another trip to the doctor, which we both know from experience is code for being molested.

I stare her down, terrified, yet reserved and calm because you are with me, "Go ahead and make the appointment, you can't scare me anymore." I bluff.

She picks up the phone to call the doctor, but again the scenery changes...This time we are apart from one another, only connected through cyberspace. We are both sitting at our computers, typing out everything that we must tell each other furiously. Your connection goes down, you are taken away from me. I panic. I don't know how to live without you. At this point we have been together for so long in so many ways...to be disconnected is a terribly cruel fate. Then as my frenzy reaches a new pitch, I look up at the screen, everything is changing on it's own accord and I hear your voice whispering in my ear. "It's in the html", you keep repeating the phrase, "It's in the html."

I look hard at the screen and I notice that there are very faint lines running through the script of my blog saying that say the same thing, "it's in the html", over and over again. It's as if those words are floating on top of the rest of the text. I see them clearly, I know what I need to do.

With that, I woke up quite rattled. I look at the clock only to see that it's 4:20 am. I got up went to the bathroom and debated with myself on whether or not I should get online and check the html or just go back to sleep and pretend it didn't happen. Of course, I did the latter, really, what would I know about html code anyway? I wouldn't know if there was a hidden message if it jumped out and bit me. I laid there tossing and turning the rest of the night, unable to really rest, fearing that I had missed out on some deep message from you. Maybe I was supposed to get online to talk to you? Maybe you are in trouble? Maybe you need something from me that only I can provide? All of these thoughts running through my head making me feel for you. Making me care about your life again...Damn it and just when I was finally able to go to a swim meet without crying my eyes out in the bathroom at least once. Why? Why have you come back to hurt me all over again? Do I really enjoy the pain that only you can give me that much? I don't really know the answer to that question...Only my soul does and lately we haven't been on the same page.

I've got to go for now, we have another swim meet today and I must get ready...

You're back...

I see that you are back online again, that you have completed your ritual, your rite to rule, your rebirth. It's nice to know that you came out of this feeling more light in your life than before, it's nice that you are one with the universe...

How did it feel to be trapped inside of the earth?

I wish that we could talk about all that has passed in your life and do so openly and honestly. I hope that the new year brings you new peace and a new perspective on life. It's funny, I thought I would have so much to say to you when you returned...But inside I feel dead, unable to communicate my basic fears and desires.

Cabin Fever

I feel the need to get the hell out of the house, but where would I go? I can't go shopping, I need to pay the attorney $500 tomorrow. I shouldn't go out drinking, I've got to be in court tomorrow morning early. What shall I do? I guess I could call Sarah-do and see what she is up to, we still haven't done our gift exchange yet.

I just had to run over here like a junky, again, I'm looking for word from you. How did everything go?

J just left, I'm playing very nice right now. I realized today that if I'm to get all that I want, I just need to be a little bit nicer. You catch more flies with honey...

Back to my regularly scheduled life.

Today I get to go back to being the pretty pet sitting and waiting for my "master" to come and play with me. I used quotes because if you've been reading along you know how I feel about this! Doing some laundry, paying the bills and just generally getting ready for J to come over. I'm not really looking forward to seeing him, matter of fact, last night when he thought his plane wasn't going to make it back to Pittsburgh, I was secretly praying for him to get trapped in FL! I just am not prepared to do this anymore. It's so funny, but before you came back into my life, I was able to accept my life for what it is, and I could almost enjoy my time with J, now, I despise every moment that I'm with him. When I think of him my skin starts to crawl! He is such a little bitch...I don't feel like dealing with him at all! I know that he is going to start in on me for going away for New Year's Eve, trying to get me to admit to him that I was in NY and not Harrisburg. I don't see why he can't just back up off of my life a bit, it's not like he is going to divorce his wife to be with me, so he has no right to judge me when he's not around. I really don't understand how he thinks that he can bitch at all about me being with my husband. I don't complain about him being away with his wife, actually, I kind of look forward to the times that they all go away. It means a few days of rest for me.

I just ordered $30 worth of Thai food and ate about six bites. I still have no appetite at all, I'm starting to look like an anorexic. I keep trying to eat, but can't seem to stomach anything. That was one nice thing about being in NY, I could go get the bomb ass Israeli food, now that, I was able to eat a bunch of! Too bad there isn't anywhere good here! How I miss Dada's cooking, he always did make the best shit. I just miss having someone around to cook for me, but I especially miss his cooking!

I brought home this sexy ass school teacher last night, unfortunately for me he is on his way back to LA today. I keep hooking up with all of these young boys, hell, when I was 18, he was 13, that's scary when you look at it like that. When I see our ages of today, I say, oh, that's not too bad, then, I look at it as if we were teenagers. I would never have dated a thirteen year old boy then, so why am I messing with someone that much younger? Who really cares? My nipples are still a little sensitive from last night, he bit me so many times, and so hard each time, he just kept increasing the pressure with his teeth till I was ready to explode, and then he would release my nipple, just to move to my clit and do the same thing all over again. The biting was good, the foreplay was a little weak, but I have to remember, he is a baby still, with the right training, he could be a great lover. He's got the basics of it all, and he wants to be dominate, he just isn't quite sure of his role. At one point he pinned my arms down to the bed with one of his muscular arms, slid his cock deep inside of me and bit down so hard on my nipple that my body immediately exploded against him in one of those earth quaking orgasms. I loved it when he had my feet hooked into the headboard while he was ramming his cock in me, my arms pinned beneath my own body, like I said, he has the basics, he just needs a bit of guidance.

Shit, I've got to go for now...laundry and bills are calling my name!

Home

I just walked in the door and rushed to the computer yet again in search of some word from you...Still nothing on any of the accounts. The drive home wasn't too bad other than the rain. I listened to a ton of music that reminded me of you and thought about how much all of this has truly hurt me. I wonder how I allowed myself to get so hurt so quickly...Usually I keep my guard up forever. Maybe, it's because of our history, but I should know by now that no matter how much things may appear to be the same, every thing constantly changes and evolves. I was thinking about how you cultivated my favorite hobby in your wife, making it her career, how you say her voice sounds like mine, etc...You tried to replace me with her. The things we must do to cope, to evolve , to survive in this world. I'm beginning to wonder what I must do to cope? What will finally satisfy me? My husband's favorite saying about me is that I'm never satisfied with anything no matter how great it may be, I'm always looking for something else, some other level of existence perhaps?

Off to unpack and shower...Then I'll be back to pay the bills and probably write more.

Half way there

Headed home again

The Village

Walking through the Village yesterday, I kept seeing you, feeling you so close to me that my heart was nearly beating out of my chest. At one point, I felt you so close to me that I had to stop and search up and down the streets, I saw your minions but not you. My heart sank deep into my chest again where it has been residing ever since you hurt me, barely fluttering enough to keep me alive.

My hubby and I have been having a really great time. Yesterday we went to eat at one of his friend's restaurants, the food was amazing. I haven't had Israeli food that good in years, everything was perfect. Our server was gorgeous, we made eye contact the minute I walked into the place and she was definitely into it. I flirted politely through the entire meal then made sure to get her number before we left. We are taking her out tonight...I'm sure we won't be out for too long if I get my way.

Mimosas in the morning

It's a lazy New Year's Day morning, we slept till 12:30, woke up slowly with a cup of tea and a mimosa. Made all of the obligatory calls this morning. Text messaged J, I told him I was in Harrisburg, he texted back family or hubby? I refuse to respond it's none of his damn business who I'm with when he's not around. He doesn't own me and he needs to realize that once and for all. I will not fight with him anymore about what I do in my spare time or who I do it with. He gets jealous of everyone, so it doesn't really matter what I tell him. He can't deal with anyone being with me, not even the girls. So...What can I do? I'm finally just choosing not to get into these situations with him by not telling him everything. The more he knows, the more he tries to use it against me. He thinks I don't see his game...

My hubby is just about out of the shower, so I need to get mine.

Last night was everything I wanted and more.