Early morning musings

Been thinking tons about my hubby. He really did love me...I just took too long to realize it. I should have known though, when he sat by my side every possible second when I was sick. I should have known when he looked in my eyes on our wedding day. "Hind sight is 20/20", what a great phrase. For it is truly one of the most accurate statements I have ever heard. I can look back and see things oh so clearly now. Just looking at our wedding photos makes my heart melt. He adored me then, now, he's just one of the wounded masses struck by hurricane U. I lay here for many hours on end trying to figure out how I can get his heart to convince his head to trust me again. He told me that it's hard for him to fuck me when we are together because there are too many emotions involved, that he can't just turn them on and off like I do. Compartmentalize, I believe is the word he used to describe the way I deal with life. I wish it were that simple.

My thought on all of this...I have no real emotions. I mean I know pain well for it has been my friend on many long sleepless nights.(Side Note: My head is throbbing right now. Some idiot's car alarm is going off, it's 5:16 am! Why can't they hear it? The streets are nearly silent other than the occasional ambulance going by! It's been five minutes already...Oh thank you for finally getting up and shutting that shit off!!!) Love is something that I'm not sure I have ever really known. I think that I have loved many people in my life, but if it was love, why was I so mean to all of them? Why have I consistently pushed away everyone that I have ever truly cared about? I always realize it once they already have one foot out the door. Maybe it's the old adage, "You always want what you can't have", that makes me "realize" I'm in love. Or maybe, I just don't trust in love enough to know when it's real until I'm able to look at it from a distance. Who the hell really knows? To be honest, at this moment in time I'm too damn tired to give a damn.

Time for a nap.