Last night I dreamt of you...

I usually block my dreams from being able to come through...You know how I hate to see the future anymore. Last night was different though, last night the dreams came through the block and into my consciousness. You were the star in all of them, or was it only one long dream with many different landscapes? I can't really be sure, it's been so long since I've tried to interpret such things. These were not visions of what is to be like I normally have, these were messages, I think, messages from you about us.

At the beginning of the dream, I know that you will be coming to visit me soon, so I'm getting dressed up for you, rummaging through drawers, ripping clothes out of my closet, trying on every combination, only to settle on what I believe is my white "Pamper Me" t-shirt and a pair of jeans. As I'm waiting for you to arrive I head over the to the computer to write. I hear your voice from further along the hallway, I rush to the door of my bedroom to find you just outside, I hurtle myself into your arms, only to be pushed away by you and held at arms distance.

"Marry me," you sneer looking down at my shirt.

"Marry me? What the fuck?" I snap back, as I look down my tone changes to one of contrition, "Oh, I thought that this was a different shirt." "Marry me?!", I giggle nervously, "this shirt isn't for you."

"Stop acting like you are fifteen!" You bark at me.

"Fifteen? I think I act a lot older than that."

"Then what is this shirt?"

For a moment there is still lingering tension, you feel pressure by my shirt, I feel embarrassed that I didn't know I was wearing it. Mortified with myself for putting you on the spot when I know that your heart belongs to another, that you love her as you could never love me. I try to just ignore the tension, but it's not working, I head back into my room as if to change, when your arms wrap around my body and you pull me close to you.

"I'd marry you if I could," you whisper.

The scenery changes, we are back at the milt, in one of the bedrooms there. It's just about time for bed checks and I'm trying desperately to hide you. I try to get you to go into the closet, but there are so many shoes at the bottom that you can barely fit inside. You try to argue with me that this is not the place for you to hide, that they will look inside and find you, that we will get into trouble and lose everything. I laugh, as I shove you deeper inside and push you to the floor.

"Trust me baby, I've done this before, they won't find you." I say as I'm burying you in my clothes.

I sit down at my computer just as the houseparent walks by the door. He looks in, sees nothing out of the ordinary and continues down the hallway. I release you from your temporary prison and we fall onto my bed laughing in each other's arms. We fall back into the old ways, not needing to say a word and able to communicate everything. We lay in each other's arms all night long, swearing to each other that nothing will ever come between us. The scenery changes yet again, we wake up in each other's arms only, we are at the health center. Nurse Ungst is pissed as hell when she finds us together, she threatens me with another trip to the doctor, which we both know from experience is code for being molested.

I stare her down, terrified, yet reserved and calm because you are with me, "Go ahead and make the appointment, you can't scare me anymore." I bluff.

She picks up the phone to call the doctor, but again the scenery changes...This time we are apart from one another, only connected through cyberspace. We are both sitting at our computers, typing out everything that we must tell each other furiously. Your connection goes down, you are taken away from me. I panic. I don't know how to live without you. At this point we have been together for so long in so many ways...to be disconnected is a terribly cruel fate. Then as my frenzy reaches a new pitch, I look up at the screen, everything is changing on it's own accord and I hear your voice whispering in my ear. "It's in the html", you keep repeating the phrase, "It's in the html."

I look hard at the screen and I notice that there are very faint lines running through the script of my blog saying that say the same thing, "it's in the html", over and over again. It's as if those words are floating on top of the rest of the text. I see them clearly, I know what I need to do.

With that, I woke up quite rattled. I look at the clock only to see that it's 4:20 am. I got up went to the bathroom and debated with myself on whether or not I should get online and check the html or just go back to sleep and pretend it didn't happen. Of course, I did the latter, really, what would I know about html code anyway? I wouldn't know if there was a hidden message if it jumped out and bit me. I laid there tossing and turning the rest of the night, unable to really rest, fearing that I had missed out on some deep message from you. Maybe I was supposed to get online to talk to you? Maybe you are in trouble? Maybe you need something from me that only I can provide? All of these thoughts running through my head making me feel for you. Making me care about your life again...Damn it and just when I was finally able to go to a swim meet without crying my eyes out in the bathroom at least once. Why? Why have you come back to hurt me all over again? Do I really enjoy the pain that only you can give me that much? I don't really know the answer to that question...Only my soul does and lately we haven't been on the same page.

I've got to go for now, we have another swim meet today and I must get ready...