The dream

Last night I had one of the most vivid and insane dreams I've had in ages.

I was the king's only concubine in a world filled with wives. I was treated as second to the devil, the only reason I was even in my position was because of my eyes, the ability to see the future had made me invaluable. The only problem was that I wasn't from their culture, so, I couldn't be given wife status, I had to be less...The wives all hated me so much, I could feel it when I would pass them on my way to the king's chamber yet again. We lived in a modern sort of building, with glass sliding doors breaking the house into various sections. Each section was perfectly designed to suit it's purpose, there was even a conference room with a giant table and a water cooler in it. The conference room was where the wives would lock me when they thought they could get away with it, but most times, the king found out what they had done and bring down all hell on them. I was by far more beautiful than all of his wives, save maybe the youngest one, she was barely fourteen. The older wives treated her almost as poorly as they treated me, staining her clothes with their own blood to prevent the master from calling on the young girl at night. In their culture if a woman was bleeding she was not to be touched, and even would be put out of the house sometimes, forced to stay in a separate hut, in the poorer homes these women would be kept in the fields with the animals that were in heat.

The king would call upon the young one and if she showed any signs of bleeding again, for he thought she was always bleeding, he would then call on me. If for some reason I didn't answer his call, usually due to being locked away somewhere, I would be beaten the next day within an inch of my life, while all of the older wives snickered, watching with such great pleasure. The king loved to take me after his slaves had cleaned all of the blood off of my body and use me right there in front of everyone, as yet another form of punishment for not answering his call. It was terrible. One day after he had used me in such a fashion, he took his youngest wife and locked her in his chamber for a week. We could hear her begging him to stop at all hours, crying out in pain which sometimes would be mixed with the tiniest bit of pleasure. When he finally let her go, she was no longer a girl, she was fully a woman now, knowing all the evils and pleasures that a man can bring to her.

When the new moon rose, there was two empty places in the hut, we were both pregnant. For her life became so much easier, for me, it only got more difficult, now that I was with child, the king would not call on me at all, leaving his older wives to their devices. I spent a lot of time in that conference room. The older wives sent the table out to be repaired, and all of the chairs one by one slowly disappeared. I was left in there for weeks sometimes before the king would notice that I was missing. It was terrible. These women were so cruel, hating me because of the child that was growing in me would move me up in status if it was a boy. For if I bore a male child, he would be the only heir to the throne. My only fears were of the young wife, if she bore a male child, there would be no use for me and my son, we would be sent out into the wilderness to die. As we both grew large together, this child wife and I grew closer, she would bring me food when I was locked in that damn glass room with a view of nothing.

Finally our times came, we both went into labor on the same day, she called for me when her first pains started, scared of the older women and what they might do to her and her child. The king was away. I was having difficulties keeping her calm, for every one of her pains would cause me to double over also. The message was sent to the king and he arrived on the second day of our labor. She was going to give birth soon, he had her prepared by the doctor and sat with her the entire time, I was sent to the conference room by him of all people! I was indignant and in too much pain to put up a fight. I was left alone in the room, but there was something different this time, there was a small black phone in the corner of the room. I sat waiting. Who did I know now anyway to call? Everyone from my town had been murdered and those of us that had survived were in no position to help each other. I heard the screams coming from down the hall, her labor was in full force now, her child would be born first...My water broke, I knew my time was close. I screamed and begged the guards to send for the doctor, they ignored me. I begged for one of the wives to come and help me, they laughed in my face and told me they hoped I died during child birth.

Terrified beyond belief now, I started to consider the phone again. Who would I call? Who would help me? I heard the king yell for someone to call the media, his heir had been born. Then it struck me. The papers would help me. They would love to print this story. I dialed a number that had been ground into my head by my mother as a child, a precaution she would call it. I knew the number of every paper within two hundred miles of our small town. I dialed, breathing so hard I could barely talk. Pain ripping me in two. The king's guards were too damn busy with all the commotion down the hallway, they would never notice one little call going out. Someone finally answers on the other end, I begin to tell my story, how I'm the king's concubine. The person on the other end of the line says that this king has never taken a concubine and never would for he was the child of just such a union, only becoming king because their weren't any other male heirs. The voice on the other end of the line tells me that they are going to hang up, I beg them, the screams of my labor rip through my mouth instead. I tell them that right now there is going to be a call coming from the king to his paper announcing the birth of his son, to try to prove my identity, to try to get help. I start panting, the baby is close to coming, I can feel the head beginning to crown. I tell the person on the other end of the line, that my child and I are going to be left to die, if they don't help me. I promise to give him the story of his life if he'll just help me. The line goes dead...I look up to find the one of the guards standing over me. I can't fight, the baby is coming. I beg for help. Finally the doctor comes in. Four minutes later the doctor is announcing the birth of the king's second son, but the pains don't stop for me, I'm screaming bloody murder now, the doctor thinks that I'm dying, I'm losing too much blood, he tries to staunch the flow, only to find another head crowning, I push with all that is left in me, as I fade out, I hear the magic words, another son. I had twin boys. I fall unconscious.

That's all I remember, I woke up for a second in so much pain that I thought the dream was real. I dozed back off to try and find the end of my story...It never came to me.

One last walk on the beach...

It was so nice that I got to spend my last day here by myself for the most part. J is still golfing with his partners, and I've got a little bit of time before the limo comes.

Walking along the beach with my feet and legs being kissed by the Gulf is so relaxing. There are twice as many dead fish on the sand as there was yesterday, but I'm starting to get used to it. As you walk along you can see which ones just washed up and which have been out here for at least a week. The older ones are almost completely bleached out by the sun, with barely anything left but bone. The farther down the beach I went, the more I noticed the erosion, while I've been here the Gulf has reclaimed a huge portion of the beach. Some of the houses that are closest to the water have built retaining walls around their homes in a feeble attempt to stop the water from creeping up. One home owner has admitted defeat and removed all of their belongings from the house. The last 20 yards or so of the dunes have been completely washed away. To get to the beach now, the last few houses would need to but in at least 10 steps, it's way to steep of a drop off now to just walk to the beach. I found some really cool shells down at this part, they were stuck into what's left of the dune wall. All up and down the beach you see the remnants of sandbags, these people's homes are worth millions of dollars and the Gulf is just ready to gobble them up. I wish I would have had my camera with me.

I'm starting to feel at home here. That's not a good thing. This will never be my slice of paradise. I've got to remember that this is just borrowed time, and sooner or later it will come to an end. It was almost forced into a premature death at the beginning of the week. J has got to be more careful about these things.

Last night, Brent, one of J's partners got a bit too drunk, tracked me down and kissed me when I was trying to do some laundry. I think J had an idea of what he was up to and came around the corner just as Brent went back to the kitchen the other way. All during dinner, Brent had my foot in his lap and was giving me a massage. Honestly, I think he has a small death wish. He isn't an equal partner to J, so J is still his boss, and he's going to try to get with the bosses girlfriend? Talk about stupid. I know J knows what was going on last night, I know he's suspicious as to whether or not I like Brent, well, he's got nothing to worry about. Brent isn't close to being my type. Besides, why would I leave J, for someone who just got divorced and had to split up all of that asbestos money? My life may not be perfect right now, and J may get on my nerves a lot, but for the most part, we have a good thing going. I'm not going to jeopardize any of that. The only way I'm leaving J is when I truly find love, or, when I'm able to fully stand on my own two feet.

Headed back to the cold.

I fly back into the arms of the winter that is waiting for me at home. Thank goodness I have my nice new comfy bed and warm blankets waiting for me at home. I bet that the little kitties are going to be so happy to have their mommy home. This trip wasn't to bad. J invited a couple of his partners down for a few days. We all went golfing yesterday. I stink at golf. After the first few holes, I was grateful to have my book, "Vamped" with me. I gave up the clubs for a glass of champagne and my book. Damn good book too! I'm so glad it was suggested to me. Anyway, as we got to the sixth hole, I looked up to find that there were dozens of crows everywhere! Just screaming at us. You know that most of those birds ended up following us around the course, my phone would ring every time I was lost in thought, of course thinking of you. The caller was UNKNOWN, I didn't answer. I've decided not to answer anymore UNKNOWNS, nine times out of ten it's just a damn telemarketer. Yet, I couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe it was you trying to reach me. Why do you still dominate my thoughts? Why does everything make me think of you? Why do I see too many coincidences in my life?

Shit, I need to get moving, I've got a bunch of laundry to do before I go home, and of course I need to pack...

JD who?

Here I was thinking that I have finally pushed you out of my mind...

I'm walking down the beach with J, it's a gorgeous day by the Gulf, the sand is so white and perfect. As we walk along I start to notice how much the shape of the beach has changed in the last week, now there is this little lagoon that's probably about 5 feet deep at the center and runs for about a hundred yards down the beach. We navigate our way around the lagoon towards the back side on our way up the beach, there are dead fish every few yards, the birds have begun to flock in areas where the fish are the largest, picking away. I avert my eyes the first few times, it is making my stomach turn. The further I go down the beach, the closer I get to the death of the Gulf, the results of a really bad Red Tide. In the distance I see something that I swear is a hallucination. Out in the middle of this gorgeous day with the sun shining down on the sand I see flashes of royal blue in the distance, I rub my eyes, it's got to be a hallucination. Am I really seeing a plastic royal blue picnic table with benches and a matching umbrella? Rub those eyes again in disbelief, yup, it's still there. I look a bit closer, there appears to be a big beautiful bald guy sitting there working on his laptop. As I get closer a raven cries in the distance, I don't see it, but I know it's close by. Thoughts that I wanted to forget come crashing down on me. I see you in this man, as I get closer to him he pulls his shades on. I can see now that he is talking into a phone, with that damn headphone, just like I have...More thoughts come crashing home in my brain. I swear that the reason he/you put on the sunglasses is so that I wouldn't notice those brilliant blue eyes. I walk past him/you and swear that it's you, my mind will accept no other possibilities. I keep looking back over my shoulder trying to figure it all out, trying to put it together. J is babbling something about how ridiculous it is to have your laptop at the beach. I look at him, disgusted. I try to put these thoughts of you out of my head and my heart...On we walk, I pray that he/you are gone before we come back that way. NO SUCH LUCK! On the way back, there he/you is again he/you pulls on the sunglasses as I approach with J a few steps behind me now. My pace increases, I start to veer towards this royal blue Mecca in the middle of my crisp white beach, he/you gets up and walks out to the water. I stare after him/you trying to decide what I should do when J catches up with me, I realize how ridiculous of a notion it is that you would be here. So, I let you go...Again.

It's a beach day...

It's absolutely gorgeous here today. I just got in a little bit ago, and then we went out for a quick breakfast. Today is the day that I've been dreading, J's wife has finally gotten wind of me. The limo driver accidentally told her that he had another pick up headed back to her house, a female...She's not too happy right now, but she still got on the plane on her way back to the 'burgh. She's buying the lies he's feeding her about me being LJ's friend, which once was true, but now LJ and I don't even speak because of me being with J. The boys always stick together though, and they are all backing up each other's stories. Shit, he's on his way back in...

Lost in thought

I finally got everything packed and then I started in on the iTunes again...This time I'm trying to make some playlists. I've been thinking about you too damn much again, it's fucking driving me insane that all I think about is you, even after you hurt me so much. I compiled a few great playlists of songs about how I feel, and since those feelings are constantly changing, so does the theme of the lists. I can actually focus, the meds are helping...Thank you doctors for finally tapping into my dysfunctional brain, but as any good manic personality, I'll be off of these just as soon as I think I'm fine. I think that these will help me finally quit smoking weed, or at least for as long as I'm taking the damn things. There is a pill for everything these days, even for ailments that we didn't even know we had. I have been craving blood again, but have behaved so far. It's easy to behave when you can't take your kit on the plane, yes, somethings we should grow out of by now, but how do you grow out of something you just started and love so much? Listening to some old Tori Amos right now...Love her! Okay, so much for the meds working, I just read over what I've written so far, and I'm all over the place as usual, maybe I need to build up a reserve of this shit in my system...Or maybe, this is just the way I think.

Listening to Tori is making me crave pussy, I bet she's tasty as all hell. I really need to find a girl again, these are the times that I miss Ms. Lips, I don't even care that she's not into guys, actually to be quite honest, that's what I find so fucking appealing about her. She hasn't been tainted by the male of the species. I've been talking to her again from time to time, but I'm always away, and she's always working. Now that she lives in the rocks, it makes it a lot harder for me to accidentally run into her. Oh well, she's had several chances, and screwed up every time! Yet, I like her. I've always liked her, that's why it pissed me off to no end that she lied to me. What is it with me and liars? I must have a tattoo on my forehead that says, "Lie to me, I'm a sucker!" My hubby's going to fall over when he reads this shit...

I wish I would have had a chance to hook up with the dj again this time. Damn, I get all wet just thinking about the way that he abused me last time. Finally, I've found someone who isn't afraid to hurt me, I know I look fragile, but I can take a lot. I was dreaming about him last night, to the point that I felt his hands wrapping around my throat again, slowly choking me while ramming his enormous rippling hard cock into my slippery tight pussy. Eyes rolling back in my head as he whispers in my ear, "I'll be gentle at first", over and over again. If this is gentle, mmmm, I can't wait to see what's next.

To be perfectly honest, the person that I want most, is the one I'll never really possess again, my hubby. My hubby has told me some stories about the women he's been abusing in NY, while he's there for business. My only question, why hasn't he ever treated me in this fashion? I waited and waited for him to show that side of himself to me, but for some reason he won't do it. He knows that I'm into it, so why I ask you does he keep this side of himself for strangers?

Another trip...

This weekend was filled with girly activities and we had a great time! They went nuts over my new bed...I'm not sure if they liked the fact that it's a king size more or that it's, to quote one of them, "a Swedish Tempurpedic sleep system". I think they are watching a bit too much television. I took them to the gym again this weekend, they love it there! They want me to join, but I'm not sure if it's worth the money, I'm hardly in town anymore.

My flight leaves at 7:30 AM, I still haven't packed...ta ta for now.

Valentine trip to FL

Well, this last trip to FL was by far a thousand times better than the one before. First, I wasn't sick at all, and second, I'd finally been able to snap myself back into the actress mode. I'm able to smile pretty whenever J is around, no matter how much it may make my stomach turn! It's so much easier to get what I want from him when I'm nice, but honestly it is so damn hard to be nice all of the time to someone you despise. I know, you are probably wondering how I can despise someone who provides everything for me and my children, but let me just give you an example of what I have to deal with on an every day basis. First, the shit head refers to me as "talent", I'm not "local talent", unless we are in PA, in FL, I'm just "talent". "Talent" in his world equals hookers for those of you not in the know. So, he goes about his life referring to me as the "talent" he flew in for the week, etc., to me this is very demeaning, yes, I know that he pays for all of my life, but I would much rather be referred to as his girlfriend, than as a hooker, because everywhere we go, people just give me these funny looks, his male friends try to corner me when he isn't looking to try and get a little...I'm not giving them the time of day let alone anything else. Second, he is always touching me in public in incredibly lewd ways, yes, I like to have public sex, but only by my choice and only with someone HOT! The other day he kept trying to put his hand up my skirt in one of his wife's favorite restaurants in FL, the owner who is a good friend of hers, kept her eye on us the entire time, fuck face kept it up, no matter what I told him about being watched, he just didn't care, it's like he wants his wife to find out. Anyway, I could go on and on about the things he does that just turn me off, but why waste the time? Let's just say that he's old and gross like most old men, he's got nasty old man smells sometimes and those nasty white stringy things around his mouth all the time because he drinks too much and never drinks water. YUCKY! He thinks kissing is the girl holding her mouth open while he rubs his tongue back and forth across yours like it's your pussy, not cool, not sexy, none of the above! My tongue ring is not my clit!

Oh well, change of subject...I still haven't found an apartment yet, but at least Sarah-do has shown me everything that they have to offer, FINALLY! I have found a couple that appeal to me from other landlords, but I'm still looking. Hopefully it won't take too much longer, but it's hard to look at apartments when you're never in town.

I still think about you all of the time, I wonder what you are doing, where you are, and if every thing is going the way you wanted. I disconnected my Verizon phone, there really isn't any need for it now that we don't communicate on a regular basis. My heart still does strange things when I think of you, but the pain is bearable again. It's almost as if I never ever found you, almost...

I find myself downloading music that reminds me of you all the time from iTunes.

mmmmm...

Last night or should I say early this morning I got exactly what I've been craving! I ran into the dj again last night after Sarah-do's party moved to the Z Lounge. He took me home with him and rocked my world all over again. There is definitely some kind of connection between us, I let him choke me last night, I normally don't even let people kiss my neck, or touch it in any fashion, and I let him wring my neck and loved every second of it. He held me down, smacked me around and made me proclaim that I was his bitch, I must have come five or six times before he even entered me. Once that happened, it was all over, I was shaking, convulsing and clenching my vaginal muscles so much that I made him cum in no time at all...Funny, the last time it took forever for him to cum. I guess he just wasn't prepared for how tight I was...

Anyway, I've got a zillion things to do today before I go to work, yes I said it, work. I'm bartending again a couple of nights a week at the Z Lounge. I wonder if it will be enough for the court.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Sarah-do! I hope that today is everything you want it to be! I just can't believe that your dad bought you a gun! Everyone run for the hills she's armed and dangerous! Love ya sweetie!

Cybersex

I want to see you, I want to watch you thread the chains through the rings on your back, then through the large rings on the wall. I want to watch you pull on those chains with all the strength that you have in your sinewy muscles, I want to watch the flesh pull and tear, I want to see you bleed. I want to see the orgiastic pleasure on your face as the pain increases. I want to rub my clit until it's huge and swollen and then have you watch me pierce it. I want you to see me mutilate myself. I want to watch you quiver, I want to see your muscles taunt, hold yourself in this position while I get the dildo. I want you to watch me fuck myself. I want to see you struggle to keep the chains taunt, I want to watch you fight the pain. In and out...Gasp and shudder. Watch the cum squirt out of my pussy. Drop the chains and pick up the cat, I want to watch you flay yourself. I want to see your skin raise, I want to see blood. Harder, harder still, I want to see tiny rivers running down your back. I want to taste you...Instead I taste myself, licking my cum off of the dildo as you whip your self, I love seeing my rings rubbing against your cock. Smack your cock with the back of your hand. Harder. Take the nipple clamps, the one with the weight on it, put them on sans rubber tips. Tighten them, a little more, there, now I can see the metal cutting into your flesh. Take both chains in one hand, pull them taunt. Take your other hand and rub my beautiful cock, yes mine, now I own you and all that you have to offer me. Don't be shy...Really yank on those chains! I want to watch you cum!

Number one in my playlists...

"The Perfect Girl", The Cure. Funny isn't it, I've had the program on random since I've started this project. The munchkins are calling...

It doesn't matter

What time I wake up or go to bed, because I never seem to accomplish everything in one day any way. No matter how early I get started on it. I went to get waxed today and that just threw everything out of wack! I should have learned by now not to plan anything else on these days. I ran home quickly threw together a pot of chili, did two loads of laundry , and now I'm off to pick up the munchkins from swim practice.

Back to bed

Finally I'm getting tired again. I've been working on that story I told you about. It's coming along nicely, hopefully I'll have it up soon. I've uploaded a ton of music while I was sitting here writing, I still have so much more to put in the computer. Oh well, no rest for the wicked. Right?

Wrong! I'm going right back to bed to get plenty of rest, hell, I'm still recovering.

Trouble Sleeping

I must be fully cured, because my insomnia is back in full force. I've been trying to go to back to sleep for about an hour now without much luck, I get tired of just laying there staring at the ceiling. I figured that I've got so much music to upload I might as well just get out of bed and take care of it. Besides, if I sit here long enough, I'll get tired, especially if I get smoky...Which I've cut way back on.

J leaves for FL on Monday till the 24th, I think. He's got meetings all day today, so I won't even see him again till he gets back from FL. Apparently I am back in his good graces, I've been a model pet these last few weeks. His being by my side through all of this sickness helped me be able to be nice. He left me the task of job searching while he is gone. We go through this routine every winter, he gets all paranoid that he is spending too much money on me without being able to see me all that often, but I'm not the one that keeps telling him to go to FL! Besides, if I want the judge to be more lenient on me, I need to go through the motions again to prove that there just isn't any work out there for a girl like me. Until I get some type of schooling behind me, my record is going to cancel out everything. Not that any of it really matters at this point in my life, but it will eventually, so I might as well take care of this now, while J is footing the bills.

I feel so sick right now...My stomach is doing flips. So much for being better. Maybe if I smoke a little it will calm my tummy.

Damn I'm so fucking horny...I was trying to get my hubby to come home this weekend. He wanted me to go to FL with him for the Super Bowl, but I've got a double whammy swim meet this weekend and a slumber party planned for the girls on Saturday night with their little friend Z. Hopefully he will decide to come home and I'll be able to get some of that big Israeli cock. I miss him so much sometimes it just tears me up inside. I wish that I could make things right between us again. I think that once I finish school and get myself a real job instead of depending on J, he will be able to accept me a little bit more. I know he thinks that I'm just crazy right now, but what he doesn't realize is that I needed this time, now though, I'm done with this. I needed to be pampered by someone, I needed to feel like I was something special. After the way that I've grown up, or not grown up as the case may be, I need all of the special attention that I can get.

I just finished uploading The Cure, "Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me", I haven't listened to this disc in ages. As it loads itself into iTunes it automatically starts playing...Images of us under blankets on the back of the bus are running through my mind. Images of us rolling around together in the gym of some strange school while we wait to swim, hands caressing each other's lithe bodies, lips meeting full of passion, bodies warming up, teasing, touching, licking, all over one another. Damn, these memories are so powerful. Why must I be tortured again and again with these visions of what should have been?

Yeah!!!

I finally got my iPod! I'm so busy trying to upload all of my music...I've barely touched the stacks of cds and I've been doing it for almost 24 hours. I need to be in the shower right now, I've only got till 3 before J gets here, I've promised Piza-May I'd go shopping with her...

About last night

I actually stayed up late last night and woke up early today. Of course, an afternoon nap probably helped in the being able to stay up late bit, but slowly I'm returning to full strength and my old bitchy ways. It's nice to be feeling a little better, I still feel like I've been run over by a Mac truck, but this too shall pass.

I went to Smile's house for dinner last night, she made beef stroganoff, salad, and these delicious cupcakes!(Today is her daughter's second birthday.) Everything was so good! She sent me home with some left over lasagne from the night before, that will be my lunch today. She can cook, no question about that! After dinner I went to the Brew House to meet with the artist working on my collar, I get wet just thinking about his place over there...He's got all of the fun toys and has made them all himself. I finally got to meet his girlfriend last night, she's alright, but she's no hottie! Here he is ready to pick up and move clear across the country with her, and of course, I desire him in the worst way. I seem to always want what I can't have, now don't I? If I could have him, I probably would just use him for awhile and then discard one broken artist, so, for his sake, it's better that he's got a girl, you could say he's protected. I've learned my lesson, no more men that are already taken! After I finished picking out the pieces of silver that I want on my set, I showed them my New Rocks which I knew they would appreciate. His girlfriend was in love with them, he studied them for a few minutes and was able to pick out all of the seams in the metal and how they were constructed. I'm sure that it's just a matter of time before he adds boots to his repetoir. I wish I would have had the balls to approach him when I first met him two years ago, things may have been different. When I was done with him, I went to visit Sarah-do for a little while. We smoked a few cigs, bullshitted about our lives, and she made promises of showing me apartments. I started to fall asleep on her couch, so I knew it was time to head home. When I finally made it home, I spoke to my hubby for awhile, it was nice. Kind of like old times when he used to wait up for me after working at the bar, with a fatty rolled and ready, and conversations about everything. I miss those nights.

Well, I've been over here long enough, I must get showered and start my day.

Why is it?

That phone sex with you is better than any of the real sex I'm getting?

The Letter

This letter was written by one of my most beautiful friends to her lost love. She shared it with me after reading my blog and seeing what I've been going through...Anyway, I felt compelled to share it with you because it touches me so much every time I read it.

Roughly eight years ago, I was in love. This was gigantic; the big, big love. At first we pretended to be neighborly- we ate together, shared books, watched scary movies, but we both knew from the first time we locked eyes that there was something unspoken between us. We went through many phases, gave our relationship many names, but it was always the same, we created our own universe, we were bound to each other. "Midnight tea, in your ancient stone-walled room, our pact was sealed". He was my teacher, my guide, my protector and my first real lover.

I will refer to this boy (now a man, but will always be a boy to me) henceforth as Anders (to protect the guilty as well as the innocent and all that) and it is just too cumbersome to refer to him as “the aforementioned boy”. “Anders” in Danish means brave, manly, strong- he is all of those things and also reminds me of another melancholy Dane. He is known by many names but this is the one I choose for him.

That first night I met him at midnight in his basement apartment, I was delirious. It was one of those wild, paganistic, totally uninhibited nights. I felt brave and ripe and hungry and passionate and I just wanted to be a human conduit for all of our energy. I wanted to fill the night with it, light it up and see it reflected in that impossibly beautiful face. I felt like I'd burst with it. I cannot think of any other time in my life that I've felt like that, at least, not so acutely.

And the smiling, dear god, never has a grin meant more to me. All night Anders and I kept smiling at each other, and every time my heart would stop. I just couldn't believe that he was smiling at me. That smile was like a warm light on me, making me more real and more beautiful than I've ever been. I felt completely alive in that smile, and I wanted it aimed at me forever.

I know it's obvious at this point, but have I mentioned how insanely beautiful Anders is? All baby-smooth skin and long, lean lines and clever hands and black hair and huge, huge eyes that would break your heart. Eyes the color of stolen guns. Chameleon eyes that changed with the light, with his moods; one minute Caribbean blue, the next as green as the rolling hills of Ireland, then suddenly as gray as Scotland rain. Eyes you can get lost traveling and unraveling the world in. You always knew where you stood with those eyes, because, as unfathomable as their depths were, and as unfathomable as he was, sometimes, those eyes hid nothing; no guile in them at all. You could almost see his brain working behind them, his soul. Anything that came out of that gaze was real and you knew it. Such remarkable eyes. And that night, I was the only thing in them, and, I felt it. I felt it in the core of my being. It made me dizzy.

Anyway, the magic didn't stop there. That night was only a blessing before our years-long voyage, a taste of all the magic that lay before us. We found each other in every song on the radio, in every dreamy movie flickering across every screen, in every beautiful book ever written. The world around us, which was still in good standing with me at the time as an enchanted place, became an impossible fairyland, a garden of delights, a velvet-draped backdrop for us to act out our epic romance. I lost myself, I definitely lost myself in it like I never have before or since. This was that wild-eyed love where you want to burn on the stake like Joan of Arc, you want to murder the people that have done wrong to the one you love, you want to give up everything you own, throw everything away, just to demonstrate how in love you really are. It was hard to believe it was happening. I felt crazy with it; desperate. I'd often cry at the drop of a hat simply because I was so in love I didn't feel like I could hold it all inside me.

I always thought it was possible to cry simply because you are happy. I still do. However, I remember reading a disturbing scientific study saying that it was simply not the case. Scientists believe that crying when you're happy actually symbolizes a deeper, underlying sadness or fear, instead of simple happiness. Crying at a wedding means that you fear that you might not find love, crying after seeing a loved one emerge unharmed from a burning building or similar disaster isn't joy at seeing them, but release from all the terrible things you imagined happened to them, and crying in love means an impending sense of doom, fear of abandonment. Or more awful, fear of love itself. Do I believe that they're on to something? Of course I still believe that it's possible to cry because you're happy... But I'd be naive if I said there wasn't something to that theory, wouldn't I?

So, there Anders and I were, both of us young, he was incredibly magnetic and ambitious, I was too immature to know better and impossibly messed up, and we were wildly, passionately in love. But we were also doomed. We were damned. We were cursed the way you are at that age when you believe yourself invincible, yet disaster is around every corner. And you love drama, and though you don't know it, if you can't find it, you'll create it.

It felt like the world...Fate itself was plotting against Anders and I, but sometimes we liked it that way. Every small disaster that befell us only served to strengthen our soul-bound bond, to prove our value to each other. Consumed would be a good word for it. Possessed. And there was so much tenderness, so much power between us. It was a dark, strange, beautiful dream, and we left reality behind and were enmeshed in it. We were pure and perfect. We were warrior-poets. We were twin silver rings. We were death-angels dreaming of lying down together. We were the smell of a storm brewing. We were the same strange imaginings. We were throaty, intoxicated laughter. We were each other's answered wish.

But something happened, somewhere. Fear, I suppose, dogged us, or me at least, I can only speak for myself. I remember, just before the end, a period of time where I lived in fear. Who's he with? Is he thinking of me? This can’t be real. Does he really love me? How could he love only me? And in a fit of panic one day I freaked and essentially kicked the door open. I remember calling him up and yammering something about how I wasn’t ready, I’d said it too many times already. He just went *POOF* like he vanished into thin air.

And in six years, I haven't verifiably laid eyes on him. I mean, sure I looked for him everywhere, but did I actually see him? What a mistake I made when he came just to visit me, and I was too screwed up to enfold him, to take him to my house, take him to my bed and love him completely. Anders, of the delicious, swan-like neck that felt like a bolt of raw silk between my teeth and lips like over-ripe plums against mine. Anders; the last great love of my life. The last to make me feel like a real, live, breathing, hurting, weeping, irrational human. Anders of the lost days and nights and the sudden goodbye that left me crazy with speculations and without a single answer. Anders; who vanished from my life and did it so completely that I'd think he was a product of my imagination if it weren't for a collection of letters and books, a ring, a cross, a scar and the utterly fathomless heartbreak he left behind. Yeah. That one.

Once I thought it was him and I'm still ashamed of how I felt for that instant; something like terror and glee and a sickeningly intense mix of emotions too entangled to separate and name. Something awful and wonderful at the same time. I broke out in a cold sweat and my hands shook and that’s just when I thought I saw him. Of course it wasn’t him. I know he is nowhere near me, but I always look for his face in a crowd- he’s surprised me in unexpected places more than once- and any time I see that walk, that stance, that bearing, I savor the moment before I’m certain it’s not him.

I came to the conclusion that we were both saboteurs; so amazed that we had found something so perfect we felt almost compelled to destroy it. Thing is, I've been walking around with a knot tied up in my belly for eight years wondering what went wrong. I can name it now, it was fear, lack of trust, youth, insecurity, plain stupidity on my part as well.

Why now this letter, you may ask? (This is The Unsent Letter, by the way, doesn’t everyone have one?) Too many coincidences. The morning after I awoke from a dream that was so vivid that I fully expected to roll over and ask you what you wanted for breakfast, I scrambled out of bed and headed for coffee; (French roast, extra cream) and as soon as I get in line, as if on cue, This Mortal Coil's song; "The Song to the Siren" comes on over the PA and before I know it, I have to step out of line and get the hell out of there because I'm crying so hard. This may sound trivial to you, but after a year of unanswered messages and nearly nightly dreams of you, I had to make another attempt. I never forgot you, never stopped loving you. Not for one minute. I still stare at the moon, name its phases and hope you are looking in on me from time to time. I'm astounded by fates sense of timing, I'm amazed at how a stretch of time that once seemed eternal can matter almost nothing in the face of now. Did I mention that I miss you? Not even in the “when-can-I see-you-again-I’m-gonna-die” sense, but your absence is keenly felt.


Me.