Lost in thought

I finally got everything packed and then I started in on the iTunes again...This time I'm trying to make some playlists. I've been thinking about you too damn much again, it's fucking driving me insane that all I think about is you, even after you hurt me so much. I compiled a few great playlists of songs about how I feel, and since those feelings are constantly changing, so does the theme of the lists. I can actually focus, the meds are helping...Thank you doctors for finally tapping into my dysfunctional brain, but as any good manic personality, I'll be off of these just as soon as I think I'm fine. I think that these will help me finally quit smoking weed, or at least for as long as I'm taking the damn things. There is a pill for everything these days, even for ailments that we didn't even know we had. I have been craving blood again, but have behaved so far. It's easy to behave when you can't take your kit on the plane, yes, somethings we should grow out of by now, but how do you grow out of something you just started and love so much? Listening to some old Tori Amos right now...Love her! Okay, so much for the meds working, I just read over what I've written so far, and I'm all over the place as usual, maybe I need to build up a reserve of this shit in my system...Or maybe, this is just the way I think.

Listening to Tori is making me crave pussy, I bet she's tasty as all hell. I really need to find a girl again, these are the times that I miss Ms. Lips, I don't even care that she's not into guys, actually to be quite honest, that's what I find so fucking appealing about her. She hasn't been tainted by the male of the species. I've been talking to her again from time to time, but I'm always away, and she's always working. Now that she lives in the rocks, it makes it a lot harder for me to accidentally run into her. Oh well, she's had several chances, and screwed up every time! Yet, I like her. I've always liked her, that's why it pissed me off to no end that she lied to me. What is it with me and liars? I must have a tattoo on my forehead that says, "Lie to me, I'm a sucker!" My hubby's going to fall over when he reads this shit...

I wish I would have had a chance to hook up with the dj again this time. Damn, I get all wet just thinking about the way that he abused me last time. Finally, I've found someone who isn't afraid to hurt me, I know I look fragile, but I can take a lot. I was dreaming about him last night, to the point that I felt his hands wrapping around my throat again, slowly choking me while ramming his enormous rippling hard cock into my slippery tight pussy. Eyes rolling back in my head as he whispers in my ear, "I'll be gentle at first", over and over again. If this is gentle, mmmm, I can't wait to see what's next.

To be perfectly honest, the person that I want most, is the one I'll never really possess again, my hubby. My hubby has told me some stories about the women he's been abusing in NY, while he's there for business. My only question, why hasn't he ever treated me in this fashion? I waited and waited for him to show that side of himself to me, but for some reason he won't do it. He knows that I'm into it, so why I ask you does he keep this side of himself for strangers?