Scattered thoughts of a nymphomaniac

Moving on...

2005-03-01T17:26:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about this long and hard and I do believe that the time has come for me to move on to a greener pasture. Why hurt the ones we love?

The dream

2005-02-27T10:11:00.000-05:00

Last night I had one of the most vivid and insane dreams I've had in ages.

I was the king's only concubine in a world filled with wives. I was treated as second to the devil, the only reason I was even in my position was because of my eyes, the ability to see the future had made me invaluable. The only problem was that I wasn't from their culture, so, I couldn't be given wife status, I had to be less...The wives all hated me so much, I could feel it when I would pass them on my way to the king's chamber yet again. We lived in a modern sort of building, with glass sliding doors breaking the house into various sections. Each section was perfectly designed to suit it's purpose, there was even a conference room with a giant table and a water cooler in it. The conference room was where the wives would lock me when they thought they could get away with it, but most times, the king found out what they had done and bring down all hell on them. I was by far more beautiful than all of his wives, save maybe the youngest one, she was barely fourteen. The older wives treated her almost as poorly as they treated me, staining her clothes with their own blood to prevent the master from calling on the young girl at night. In their culture if a woman was bleeding she was not to be touched, and even would be put out of the house sometimes, forced to stay in a separate hut, in the poorer homes these women would be kept in the fields with the animals that were in heat.

The king would call upon the young one and if she showed any signs of bleeding again, for he thought she was always bleeding, he would then call on me. If for some reason I didn't answer his call, usually due to being locked away somewhere, I would be beaten the next day within an inch of my life, while all of the older wives snickered, watching with such great pleasure. The king loved to take me after his slaves had cleaned all of the blood off of my body and use me right there in front of everyone, as yet another form of punishment for not answering his call. It was terrible. One day after he had used me in such a fashion, he took his youngest wife and locked her in his chamber for a week. We could hear her begging him to stop at all hours, crying out in pain which sometimes would be mixed with the tiniest bit of pleasure. When he finally let her go, she was no longer a girl, she was fully a woman now, knowing all the evils and pleasures that a man can bring to her.

When the new moon rose, there was two empty places in the hut, we were both pregnant. For her life became so much easier, for me, it only got more difficult, now that I was with child, the king would not call on me at all, leaving his older wives to their devices. I spent a lot of time in that conference room. The older wives sent the table out to be repaired, and all of the chairs one by one slowly disappeared. I was left in there for weeks sometimes before the king would notice that I was missing. It was terrible. These women were so cruel, hating me because of the child that was growing in me would move me up in status if it was a boy. For if I bore a male child, he would be the only heir to the throne. My only fears were of the young wife, if she bore a male child, there would be no use for me and my son, we would be sent out into the wilderness to die. As we both grew large together, this child wife and I grew closer, she would bring me food when I was locked in that damn glass room with a view of nothing.

Finally our times came, we both went into labor on the same day, she called for me when her first pains started, scared of the older women and what they might do to her and her child. The king was away. I was having difficulties keeping her calm, for every one of her pains would cause me to double over also. The message was sent to the king and he arrived on the second day of our labor. She was going to give birth soon, he had her prepared by the doctor and sat with her the entire time, I was sent to the conference room by him of all people! I was indignant and in too much pain to put up a fight. I was left alone in the room, but there was something different this time, there was a small black phone in the corner of the room. I sat waiting. Who did I know now anyway to call? Everyone from my town had been murdered and those of us that had survived were in no position to help each other. I heard the screams coming from down the hall, her labor was in full force now, her child would be born first...My water broke, I knew my time was close. I screamed and begged the guards to send for the doctor, they ignored me. I begged for one of the wives to come and help me, they laughed in my face and told me they hoped I died during child birth.

Terrified beyond belief now, I started to consider the phone again. Who would I call? Who would help me? I heard the king yell for someone to call the media, his heir had been born. Then it struck me. The papers would help me. They would love to print this story. I dialed a number that had been ground into my head by my mother as a child, a precaution she would call it. I knew the number of every paper within two hundred miles of our small town. I dialed, breathing so hard I could barely talk. Pain ripping me in two. The king's guards were too damn busy with all the commotion down the hallway, they would never notice one little call going out. Someone finally answers on the other end, I begin to tell my story, how I'm the king's concubine. The person on the other end of the line says that this king has never taken a concubine and never would for he was the child of just such a union, only becoming king because their weren't any other male heirs. The voice on the other end of the line tells me that they are going to hang up, I beg them, the screams of my labor rip through my mouth instead. I tell them that right now there is going to be a call coming from the king to his paper announcing the birth of his son, to try to prove my identity, to try to get help. I start panting, the baby is close to coming, I can feel the head beginning to crown. I tell the person on the other end of the line, that my child and I are going to be left to die, if they don't help me. I promise to give him the story of his life if he'll just help me. The line goes dead...I look up to find the one of the guards standing over me. I can't fight, the baby is coming. I beg for help. Finally the doctor comes in. Four minutes later the doctor is announcing the birth of the king's second son, but the pains don't stop for me, I'm screaming bloody murder now, the doctor thinks that I'm dying, I'm losing too much blood, he tries to staunch the flow, only to find another head crowning, I push with all that is left in me, as I fade out, I hear the magic words, another son. I had twin boys. I fall unconscious.

That's all I remember, I woke up for a second in so much pain that I thought the dream was real. I dozed back off to try and find the end of my story...It never came to me.

One last walk on the beach...

2005-02-25T15:15:00.000-05:00

It was so nice that I got to spend my last day here by myself for the most part. J is still golfing with his partners, and I've got a little bit of time before the limo comes.

Walking along the beach with my feet and legs being kissed by the Gulf is so relaxing. There are twice as many dead fish on the sand as there was yesterday, but I'm starting to get used to it. As you walk along you can see which ones just washed up and which have been out here for at least a week. The older ones are almost completely bleached out by the sun, with barely anything left but bone. The farther down the beach I went, the more I noticed the erosion, while I've been here the Gulf has reclaimed a huge portion of the beach. Some of the houses that are closest to the water have built retaining walls around their homes in a feeble attempt to stop the water from creeping up. One home owner has admitted defeat and removed all of their belongings from the house. The last 20 yards or so of the dunes have been completely washed away. To get to the beach now, the last few houses would need to but in at least 10 steps, it's way to steep of a drop off now to just walk to the beach. I found some really cool shells down at this part, they were stuck into what's left of the dune wall. All up and down the beach you see the remnants of sandbags, these people's homes are worth millions of dollars and the Gulf is just ready to gobble them up. I wish I would have had my camera with me.

I'm starting to feel at home here. That's not a good thing. This will never be my slice of paradise. I've got to remember that this is just borrowed time, and sooner or later it will come to an end. It was almost forced into a premature death at the beginning of the week. J has got to be more careful about these things.

Last night, Brent, one of J's partners got a bit too drunk, tracked me down and kissed me when I was trying to do some laundry. I think J had an idea of what he was up to and came around the corner just as Brent went back to the kitchen the other way. All during dinner, Brent had my foot in his lap and was giving me a massage. Honestly, I think he has a small death wish. He isn't an equal partner to J, so J is still his boss, and he's going to try to get with the bosses girlfriend? Talk about stupid. I know J knows what was going on last night, I know he's suspicious as to whether or not I like Brent, well, he's got nothing to worry about. Brent isn't close to being my type. Besides, why would I leave J, for someone who just got divorced and had to split up all of that asbestos money? My life may not be perfect right now, and J may get on my nerves a lot, but for the most part, we have a good thing going. I'm not going to jeopardize any of that. The only way I'm leaving J is when I truly find love, or, when I'm able to fully stand on my own two feet.

Headed back to the cold.

2005-02-25T10:27:00.000-05:00

I fly back into the arms of the winter that is waiting for me at home. Thank goodness I have my nice new comfy bed and warm blankets waiting for me at home. I bet that the little kitties are going to be so happy to have their mommy home. This trip wasn't to bad. J invited a couple of his partners down for a few days. We all went golfing yesterday. I stink at golf. After the first few holes, I was grateful to have my book, "Vamped" with me. I gave up the clubs for a glass of champagne and my book. Damn good book too! I'm so glad it was suggested to me. Anyway, as we got to the sixth hole, I looked up to find that there were dozens of crows everywhere! Just screaming at us. You know that most of those birds ended up following us around the course, my phone would ring every time I was lost in thought, of course thinking of you. The caller was UNKNOWN, I didn't answer. I've decided not to answer anymore UNKNOWNS, nine times out of ten it's just a damn telemarketer. Yet, I couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe it was you trying to reach me. Why do you still dominate my thoughts? Why does everything make me think of you? Why do I see too many coincidences in my life?

Shit, I need to get moving, I've got a bunch of laundry to do before I go home, and of course I need to pack...

JD who?

2005-02-23T08:48:00.000-05:00

Here I was thinking that I have finally pushed you out of my mind...

I'm walking down the beach with J, it's a gorgeous day by the Gulf, the sand is so white and perfect. As we walk along I start to notice how much the shape of the beach has changed in the last week, now there is this little lagoon that's probably about 5 feet deep at the center and runs for about a hundred yards down the beach. We navigate our way around the lagoon towards the back side on our way up the beach, there are dead fish every few yards, the birds have begun to flock in areas where the fish are the largest, picking away. I avert my eyes the first few times, it is making my stomach turn. The further I go down the beach, the closer I get to the death of the Gulf, the results of a really bad Red Tide. In the distance I see something that I swear is a hallucination. Out in the middle of this gorgeous day with the sun shining down on the sand I see flashes of royal blue in the distance, I rub my eyes, it's got to be a hallucination. Am I really seeing a plastic royal blue picnic table with benches and a matching umbrella? Rub those eyes again in disbelief, yup, it's still there. I look a bit closer, there appears to be a big beautiful bald guy sitting there working on his laptop. As I get closer a raven cries in the distance, I don't see it, but I know it's close by. Thoughts that I wanted to forget come crashing down on me. I see you in this man, as I get closer to him he pulls his shades on. I can see now that he is talking into a phone, with that damn headphone, just like I have...More thoughts come crashing home in my brain. I swear that the reason he/you put on the sunglasses is so that I wouldn't notice those brilliant blue eyes. I walk past him/you and swear that it's you, my mind will accept no other possibilities. I keep looking back over my shoulder trying to figure it all out, trying to put it together. J is babbling something about how ridiculous it is to have your laptop at the beach. I look at him, disgusted. I try to put these thoughts of you out of my head and my heart...On we walk, I pray that he/you are gone before we come back that way. NO SUCH LUCK! On the way back, there he/you is again he/you pulls on the sunglasses as I approach with J a few steps behind me now. My pace increases, I start to veer towards this royal blue Mecca in the middle of my crisp white beach, he/you gets up and walks out to the water. I stare after him/you trying to decide what I should do when J catches up with me, I realize how ridiculous of a notion it is that you would be here. So, I let you go...Again.

It's a beach day...

2005-02-22T13:34:00.000-05:00

It's absolutely gorgeous here today. I just got in a little bit ago, and then we went out for a quick breakfast. Today is the day that I've been dreading, J's wife has finally gotten wind of me. The limo driver accidentally told her that he had another pick up headed back to her house, a female...She's not too happy right now, but she still got on the plane on her way back to the 'burgh. She's buying the lies he's feeding her about me being LJ's friend, which once was true, but now LJ and I don't even speak because of me being with J. The boys always stick together though, and they are all backing up each other's stories. Shit, he's on his way back in...

Lost in thought

2005-02-21T23:08:00.000-05:00

I finally got everything packed and then I started in on the iTunes again...This time I'm trying to make some playlists. I've been thinking about you too damn much again, it's fucking driving me insane that all I think about is you, even after you hurt me so much. I compiled a few great playlists of songs about how I feel, and since those feelings are constantly changing, so does the theme of the lists. I can actually focus, the meds are helping...Thank you doctors for finally tapping into my dysfunctional brain, but as any good manic personality, I'll be off of these just as soon as I think I'm fine. I think that these will help me finally quit smoking weed, or at least for as long as I'm taking the damn things. There is a pill for everything these days, even for ailments that we didn't even know we had. I have been craving blood again, but have behaved so far. It's easy to behave when you can't take your kit on the plane, yes, somethings we should grow out of by now, but how do you grow out of something you just started and love so much? Listening to some old Tori Amos right now...Love her! Okay, so much for the meds working, I just read over what I've written so far, and I'm all over the place as usual, maybe I need to build up a reserve of this shit in my system...Or maybe, this is just the way I think.

Listening to Tori is making me crave pussy, I bet she's tasty as all hell. I really need to find a girl again, these are the times that I miss Ms. Lips, I don't even care that she's not into guys, actually to be quite honest, that's what I find so fucking appealing about her. She hasn't been tainted by the male of the species. I've been talking to her again from time to time, but I'm always away, and she's always working. Now that she lives in the rocks, it makes it a lot harder for me to accidentally run into her. Oh well, she's had several chances, and screwed up every time! Yet, I like her. I've always liked her, that's why it pissed me off to no end that she lied to me. What is it with me and liars? I must have a tattoo on my forehead that says, "Lie to me, I'm a sucker!" My hubby's going to fall over when he reads this shit...

I wish I would have had a chance to hook up with the dj again this time. Damn, I get all wet just thinking about the way that he abused me last time. Finally, I've found someone who isn't afraid to hurt me, I know I look fragile, but I can take a lot. I was dreaming about him last night, to the point that I felt his hands wrapping around my throat again, slowly choking me while ramming his enormous rippling hard cock into my slippery tight pussy. Eyes rolling back in my head as he whispers in my ear, "I'll be gentle at first", over and over again. If this is gentle, mmmm, I can't wait to see what's next.

To be perfectly honest, the person that I want most, is the one I'll never really possess again, my hubby. My hubby has told me some stories about the women he's been abusing in NY, while he's there for business. My only question, why hasn't he ever treated me in this fashion? I waited and waited for him to show that side of himself to me, but for some reason he won't do it. He knows that I'm into it, so why I ask you does he keep this side of himself for strangers?

Another trip...

2005-02-21T19:20:00.000-05:00

This weekend was filled with girly activities and we had a great time! They went nuts over my new bed...I'm not sure if they liked the fact that it's a king size more or that it's, to quote one of them, "a Swedish Tempurpedic sleep system". I think they are watching a bit too much television. I took them to the gym again this weekend, they love it there! They want me to join, but I'm not sure if it's worth the money, I'm hardly in town anymore.

My flight leaves at 7:30 AM, I still haven't packed...ta ta for now.

Valentine trip to FL

2005-02-19T09:24:00.000-05:00

Well, this last trip to FL was by far a thousand times better than the one before. First, I wasn't sick at all, and second, I'd finally been able to snap myself back into the actress mode. I'm able to smile pretty whenever J is around, no matter how much it may make my stomach turn! It's so much easier to get what I want from him when I'm nice, but honestly it is so damn hard to be nice all of the time to someone you despise. I know, you are probably wondering how I can despise someone who provides everything for me and my children, but let me just give you an example of what I have to deal with on an every day basis. First, the shit head refers to me as "talent", I'm not "local talent", unless we are in PA, in FL, I'm just "talent". "Talent" in his world equals hookers for those of you not in the know. So, he goes about his life referring to me as the "talent" he flew in for the week, etc., to me this is very demeaning, yes, I know that he pays for all of my life, but I would much rather be referred to as his girlfriend, than as a hooker, because everywhere we go, people just give me these funny looks, his male friends try to corner me when he isn't looking to try and get a little...I'm not giving them the time of day let alone anything else. Second, he is always touching me in public in incredibly lewd ways, yes, I like to have public sex, but only by my choice and only with someone HOT! The other day he kept trying to put his hand up my skirt in one of his wife's favorite restaurants in FL, the owner who is a good friend of hers, kept her eye on us the entire time, fuck face kept it up, no matter what I told him about being watched, he just didn't care, it's like he wants his wife to find out. Anyway, I could go on and on about the things he does that just turn me off, but why waste the time? Let's just say that he's old and gross like most old men, he's got nasty old man smells sometimes and those nasty white stringy things around his mouth all the time because he drinks too much and never drinks water. YUCKY! He thinks kissing is the girl holding her mouth open while he rubs his tongue back and forth across yours like it's your pussy, not cool, not sexy, none of the above! My tongue ring is not my clit!

Oh well, change of subject...I still haven't found an apartment yet, but at least Sarah-do has shown me everything that they have to offer, FINALLY! I have found a couple that appeal to me from other landlords, but I'm still looking. Hopefully it won't take too much longer, but it's hard to look at apartments when you're never in town.

I still think about you all of the time, I wonder what you are doing, where you are, and if every thing is going the way you wanted. I disconnected my Verizon phone, there really isn't any need for it now that we don't communicate on a regular basis. My heart still does strange things when I think of you, but the pain is bearable again. It's almost as if I never ever found you, almost...

I find myself downloading music that reminds me of you all the time from iTunes.

mmmmm...

2005-02-12T12:31:00.000-05:00

Last night or should I say early this morning I got exactly what I've been craving! I ran into the dj again last night after Sarah-do's party moved to the Z Lounge. He took me home with him and rocked my world all over again. There is definitely some kind of connection between us, I let him choke me last night, I normally don't even let people kiss my neck, or touch it in any fashion, and I let him wring my neck and loved every second of it. He held me down, smacked me around and made me proclaim that I was his bitch, I must have come five or six times before he even entered me. Once that happened, it was all over, I was shaking, convulsing and clenching my vaginal muscles so much that I made him cum in no time at all...Funny, the last time it took forever for him to cum. I guess he just wasn't prepared for how tight I was...

Anyway, I've got a zillion things to do today before I go to work, yes I said it, work. I'm bartending again a couple of nights a week at the Z Lounge. I wonder if it will be enough for the court.

Happy Birthday

2005-02-11T10:04:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday Sarah-do! I hope that today is everything you want it to be! I just can't believe that your dad bought you a gun! Everyone run for the hills she's armed and dangerous! Love ya sweetie!

Cybersex

2005-02-06T23:50:00.000-05:00

I want to see you, I want to watch you thread the chains through the rings on your back, then through the large rings on the wall. I want to watch you pull on those chains with all the strength that you have in your sinewy muscles, I want to watch the flesh pull and tear, I want to see you bleed. I want to see the orgiastic pleasure on your face as the pain increases. I want to rub my clit until it's huge and swollen and then have you watch me pierce it. I want you to see me mutilate myself. I want to watch you quiver, I want to see your muscles taunt, hold yourself in this position while I get the dildo. I want you to watch me fuck myself. I want to see you struggle to keep the chains taunt, I want to watch you fight the pain. In and out...Gasp and shudder. Watch the cum squirt out of my pussy. Drop the chains and pick up the cat, I want to watch you flay yourself. I want to see your skin raise, I want to see blood. Harder, harder still, I want to see tiny rivers running down your back. I want to taste you...Instead I taste myself, licking my cum off of the dildo as you whip your self, I love seeing my rings rubbing against your cock. Smack your cock with the back of your hand. Harder. Take the nipple clamps, the one with the weight on it, put them on sans rubber tips. Tighten them, a little more, there, now I can see the metal cutting into your flesh. Take both chains in one hand, pull them taunt. Take your other hand and rub my beautiful cock, yes mine, now I own you and all that you have to offer me. Don't be shy...Really yank on those chains! I want to watch you cum!

Number one in my playlists...

2005-02-05T21:04:00.000-05:00

"The Perfect Girl", The Cure. Funny isn't it, I've had the program on random since I've started this project. The munchkins are calling...

It doesn't matter

2005-02-04T16:55:00.000-05:00

What time I wake up or go to bed, because I never seem to accomplish everything in one day any way. No matter how early I get started on it. I went to get waxed today and that just threw everything out of wack! I should have learned by now not to plan anything else on these days. I ran home quickly threw together a pot of chili, did two loads of laundry , and now I'm off to pick up the munchkins from swim practice.

Back to bed

2005-02-04T06:32:00.000-05:00

Finally I'm getting tired again. I've been working on that story I told you about. It's coming along nicely, hopefully I'll have it up soon. I've uploaded a ton of music while I was sitting here writing, I still have so much more to put in the computer. Oh well, no rest for the wicked. Right?

Wrong! I'm going right back to bed to get plenty of rest, hell, I'm still recovering.

Trouble Sleeping

2005-02-04T05:10:00.000-05:00

I must be fully cured, because my insomnia is back in full force. I've been trying to go to back to sleep for about an hour now without much luck, I get tired of just laying there staring at the ceiling. I figured that I've got so much music to upload I might as well just get out of bed and take care of it. Besides, if I sit here long enough, I'll get tired, especially if I get smoky...Which I've cut way back on.

J leaves for FL on Monday till the 24th, I think. He's got meetings all day today, so I won't even see him again till he gets back from FL. Apparently I am back in his good graces, I've been a model pet these last few weeks. His being by my side through all of this sickness helped me be able to be nice. He left me the task of job searching while he is gone. We go through this routine every winter, he gets all paranoid that he is spending too much money on me without being able to see me all that often, but I'm not the one that keeps telling him to go to FL! Besides, if I want the judge to be more lenient on me, I need to go through the motions again to prove that there just isn't any work out there for a girl like me. Until I get some type of schooling behind me, my record is going to cancel out everything. Not that any of it really matters at this point in my life, but it will eventually, so I might as well take care of this now, while J is footing the bills.

I feel so sick right now...My stomach is doing flips. So much for being better. Maybe if I smoke a little it will calm my tummy.

Damn I'm so fucking horny...I was trying to get my hubby to come home this weekend. He wanted me to go to FL with him for the Super Bowl, but I've got a double whammy swim meet this weekend and a slumber party planned for the girls on Saturday night with their little friend Z. Hopefully he will decide to come home and I'll be able to get some of that big Israeli cock. I miss him so much sometimes it just tears me up inside. I wish that I could make things right between us again. I think that once I finish school and get myself a real job instead of depending on J, he will be able to accept me a little bit more. I know he thinks that I'm just crazy right now, but what he doesn't realize is that I needed this time, now though, I'm done with this. I needed to be pampered by someone, I needed to feel like I was something special. After the way that I've grown up, or not grown up as the case may be, I need all of the special attention that I can get.

I just finished uploading The Cure, "Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me", I haven't listened to this disc in ages. As it loads itself into iTunes it automatically starts playing...Images of us under blankets on the back of the bus are running through my mind. Images of us rolling around together in the gym of some strange school while we wait to swim, hands caressing each other's lithe bodies, lips meeting full of passion, bodies warming up, teasing, touching, licking, all over one another. Damn, these memories are so powerful. Why must I be tortured again and again with these visions of what should have been?

Yeah!!!

2005-02-03T10:40:00.000-05:00

I finally got my iPod! I'm so busy trying to upload all of my music...I've barely touched the stacks of cds and I've been doing it for almost 24 hours. I need to be in the shower right now, I've only got till 3 before J gets here, I've promised Piza-May I'd go shopping with her...

About last night

2005-02-02T10:40:00.000-05:00

I actually stayed up late last night and woke up early today. Of course, an afternoon nap probably helped in the being able to stay up late bit, but slowly I'm returning to full strength and my old bitchy ways. It's nice to be feeling a little better, I still feel like I've been run over by a Mac truck, but this too shall pass.

I went to Smile's house for dinner last night, she made beef stroganoff, salad, and these delicious cupcakes!(Today is her daughter's second birthday.) Everything was so good! She sent me home with some left over lasagne from the night before, that will be my lunch today. She can cook, no question about that! After dinner I went to the Brew House to meet with the artist working on my collar, I get wet just thinking about his place over there...He's got all of the fun toys and has made them all himself. I finally got to meet his girlfriend last night, she's alright, but she's no hottie! Here he is ready to pick up and move clear across the country with her, and of course, I desire him in the worst way. I seem to always want what I can't have, now don't I? If I could have him, I probably would just use him for awhile and then discard one broken artist, so, for his sake, it's better that he's got a girl, you could say he's protected. I've learned my lesson, no more men that are already taken! After I finished picking out the pieces of silver that I want on my set, I showed them my New Rocks which I knew they would appreciate. His girlfriend was in love with them, he studied them for a few minutes and was able to pick out all of the seams in the metal and how they were constructed. I'm sure that it's just a matter of time before he adds boots to his repetoir. I wish I would have had the balls to approach him when I first met him two years ago, things may have been different. When I was done with him, I went to visit Sarah-do for a little while. We smoked a few cigs, bullshitted about our lives, and she made promises of showing me apartments. I started to fall asleep on her couch, so I knew it was time to head home. When I finally made it home, I spoke to my hubby for awhile, it was nice. Kind of like old times when he used to wait up for me after working at the bar, with a fatty rolled and ready, and conversations about everything. I miss those nights.

Well, I've been over here long enough, I must get showered and start my day.

Why is it?

2005-02-01T17:41:00.000-05:00

That phone sex with you is better than any of the real sex I'm getting?

The Letter

2005-02-01T13:23:00.000-05:00

This letter was written by one of my most beautiful friends to her lost love. She shared it with me after reading my blog and seeing what I've been going through...Anyway, I felt compelled to share it with you because it touches me so much every time I read it.

Roughly eight years ago, I was in love. This was gigantic; the big, big love. At first we pretended to be neighborly- we ate together, shared books, watched scary movies, but we both knew from the first time we locked eyes that there was something unspoken between us. We went through many phases, gave our relationship many names, but it was always the same, we created our own universe, we were bound to each other. "Midnight tea, in your ancient stone-walled room, our pact was sealed". He was my teacher, my guide, my protector and my first real lover.

I will refer to this boy (now a man, but will always be a boy to me) henceforth as Anders (to protect the guilty as well as the innocent and all that) and it is just too cumbersome to refer to him as the aforementioned boy. Anders in Danish means brave, manly, strong- he is all of those things and also reminds me of another melancholy Dane. He is known by many names but this is the one I choose for him.

That first night I met him at midnight in his basement apartment, I was delirious. It was one of those wild, paganistic, totally uninhibited nights. I felt brave and ripe and hungry and passionate and I just wanted to be a human conduit for all of our energy. I wanted to fill the night with it, light it up and see it reflected in that impossibly beautiful face. I felt like I'd burst with it. I cannot think of any other time in my life that I've felt like that, at least, not so acutely.

And the smiling, dear god, never has a grin meant more to me. All night Anders and I kept smiling at each other, and every time my heart would stop. I just couldn't believe that he was smiling at me. That smile was like a warm light on me, making me more real and more beautiful than I've ever been. I felt completely alive in that smile, and I wanted it aimed at me forever.

I know it's obvious at this point, but have I mentioned how insanely beautiful Anders is? All baby-smooth skin and long, lean lines and clever hands and black hair and huge, huge eyes that would break your heart. Eyes the color of stolen guns. Chameleon eyes that changed with the light, with his moods; one minute Caribbean blue, the next as green as the rolling hills of Ireland, then suddenly as gray as Scotland rain. Eyes you can get lost traveling and unraveling the world in. You always knew where you stood with those eyes, because, as unfathomable as their depths were, and as unfathomable as he was, sometimes, those eyes hid nothing; no guile in them at all. You could almost see his brain working behind them, his soul. Anything that came out of that gaze was real and you knew it. Such remarkable eyes. And that night, I was the only thing in them, and, I felt it. I felt it in the core of my being. It made me dizzy.

Anyway, the magic didn't stop there. That night was only a blessing before our years-long voyage, a taste of all the magic that lay before us. We found each other in every song on the radio, in every dreamy movie flickering across every screen, in every beautiful book ever written. The world around us, which was still in good standing with me at the time as an enchanted place, became an impossible fairyland, a garden of delights, a velvet-draped backdrop for us to act out our epic romance. I lost myself, I definitely lost myself in it like I never have before or since. This was that wild-eyed love where you want to burn on the stake like Joan of Arc, you want to murder the people that have done wrong to the one you love, you want to give up everything you own, throw everything away, just to demonstrate how in love you really are. It was hard to believe it was happening. I felt crazy with it; desperate. I'd often cry at the drop of a hat simply because I was so in love I didn't feel like I could hold it all inside me.

I always thought it was possible to cry simply because you are happy. I still do. However, I remember reading a disturbing scientific study saying that it was simply not the case. Scientists believe that crying when you're happy actually symbolizes a deeper, underlying sadness or fear, instead of simple happiness. Crying at a wedding means that you fear that you might not find love, crying after seeing a loved one emerge unharmed from a burning building or similar disaster isn't joy at seeing them, but release from all the terrible things you imagined happened to them, and crying in love means an impending sense of doom, fear of abandonment. Or more awful, fear of love itself. Do I believe that they're on to something? Of course I still believe that it's possible to cry because you're happy... But I'd be naive if I said there wasn't something to that theory, wouldn't I?

So, there Anders and I were, both of us young, he was incredibly magnetic and ambitious, I was too immature to know better and impossibly messed up, and we were wildly, passionately in love. But we were also doomed. We were damned. We were cursed the way you are at that age when you believe yourself invincible, yet disaster is around every corner. And you love drama, and though you don't know it, if you can't find it, you'll create it.

It felt like the world...Fate itself was plotting against Anders and I, but sometimes we liked it that way. Every small disaster that befell us only served to strengthen our soul-bound bond, to prove our value to each other. Consumed would be a good word for it. Possessed. And there was so much tenderness, so much power between us. It was a dark, strange, beautiful dream, and we left reality behind and were enmeshed in it. We were pure and perfect. We were warrior-poets. We were twin silver rings. We were death-angels dreaming of lying down together. We were the smell of a storm brewing. We were the same strange imaginings. We were throaty, intoxicated laughter. We were each other's answered wish.

But something happened, somewhere. Fear, I suppose, dogged us, or me at least, I can only speak for myself. I remember, just before the end, a period of time where I lived in fear. Who's he with? Is he thinking of me? This cant be real. Does he really love me? How could he love only me? And in a fit of panic one day I freaked and essentially kicked the door open. I remember calling him up and yammering something about how I wasnt ready, Id said it too many times already. He just went *POOF* like he vanished into thin air.

And in six years, I haven't verifiably laid eyes on him. I mean, sure I looked for him everywhere, but did I actually see him? What a mistake I made when he came just to visit me, and I was too screwed up to enfold him, to take him to my house, take him to my bed and love him completely. Anders, of the delicious, swan-like neck that felt like a bolt of raw silk between my teeth and lips like over-ripe plums against mine. Anders; the last great love of my life. The last to make me feel like a real, live, breathing, hurting, weeping, irrational human. Anders of the lost days and nights and the sudden goodbye that left me crazy with speculations and without a single answer. Anders; who vanished from my life and did it so completely that I'd think he was a product of my imagination if it weren't for a collection of letters and books, a ring, a cross, a scar and the utterly fathomless heartbreak he left behind. Yeah. That one.

Once I thought it was him and I'm still ashamed of how I felt for that instant; something like terror and glee and a sickeningly intense mix of emotions too entangled to separate and name. Something awful and wonderful at the same time. I broke out in a cold sweat and my hands shook and thats just when I thought I saw him. Of course it wasnt him. I know he is nowhere near me, but I always look for his face in a crowd- hes surprised me in unexpected places more than once- and any time I see that walk, that stance, that bearing, I savor the moment before Im certain its not him.

I came to the conclusion that we were both saboteurs; so amazed that we had found something so perfect we felt almost compelled to destroy it. Thing is, I've been walking around with a knot tied up in my belly for eight years wondering what went wrong. I can name it now, it was fear, lack of trust, youth, insecurity, plain stupidity on my part as well.

Why now this letter, you may ask? (This is The Unsent Letter, by the way, doesnt everyone have one?) Too many coincidences. The morning after I awoke from a dream that was so vivid that I fully expected to roll over and ask you what you wanted for breakfast, I scrambled out of bed and headed for coffee; (French roast, extra cream) and as soon as I get in line, as if on cue, This Mortal Coil's song; "The Song to the Siren" comes on over the PA and before I know it, I have to step out of line and get the hell out of there because I'm crying so hard. This may sound trivial to you, but after a year of unanswered messages and nearly nightly dreams of you, I had to make another attempt. I never forgot you, never stopped loving you. Not for one minute. I still stare at the moon, name its phases and hope you are looking in on me from time to time. I'm astounded by fates sense of timing, I'm amazed at how a stretch of time that once seemed eternal can matter almost nothing in the face of now. Did I mention that I miss you? Not even in the when-can-I see-you-again-Im-gonna-die sense, but your absence is keenly felt.

Me.

I must be better

2005-01-31T05:10:00.000-05:00

I must be, otherwise, I would still be laying in my bed fast asleep. The first thing to come back full force of course, had to be my insomnia. I've been tossing and turning in bed for the last few hours, trying desperately to go back to sleep. I lost the battle and decided to come to the computer, I wanted to see if you were online, I know you have the same difficulties at night that I have. You have been the star of my dreams the last few nights, it doesn't help when the girls are always asking about you either. Every time they come over, they see the key chain I bought for you, Bad Badtz-Maru, hanging above my bed and they question me all about you. It's so weird, they have never ever liked a man that I have brought home, they haven't even met you and I think that they really like you. Why? Why did they have to get involved in all of this mess? They talk about you constantly, asking questions all of the time, wondering if you are better yet and when I'm going to send that to you, I haven't got the heart to tell them the truth about you, it just might crush their little hearts.

It's so damn cold over here by the computer, I need to make a cup of tea and get back under the blankets. I'll make a cup of Sleepy Time, I need a few more hours of sleep before I must face J.

Patience is something I need to learn

2005-01-30T10:37:00.000-05:00

The adopted one came over last night for a few minutes, throwing attitude like she owns the world. I was reading to the girls when she came in and started her shit, I tried to ignore her, but I took the bait and flipped out on her demanding that she get her shit out of my house immediately.

Then she tried this flippant approach, "It's not the first yet..."

Of course I had to get the best of her with, "Whatever you don't have out of here by Monday will be put out for the trash and the locks will be changed."

"Don't touch my stuff,"she wailed.

"After Monday anything that remains in this house will be put out for the trash and the locks will be changed."

"You won't touch my stuff."

I repeated myself again.

"My mom will be here tomorrow with her truck to help me move."

Trying to be diplomatic about the situation, "The girls will be back from their slumber party around noon, I want your stuff out before they come home."

"My mom will be here tomorrow with her truck to help me move," she repeated,"after her exercise class."

"Get out." I finally said. I couldn't contain the rage boiling inside of me any longer.

She seems to forget who she is dealing with. I don't really give a flying fuck about her and her $20 outfits. I have ultimate control in my home, which she is no longer a part of...So, suffice it to say, I will throw her trashy shit out of here quite easily. I'll probably even take great pleasure in it. I am quite a bitch after all when I need to be, or hell, even when I just want to be. Ask J, he sees that side of me all of the time. It took everything for me not to just start throwing her shit out of here. Had the girls not been here, I probably would have done exactly that. I was going to take the girls ice skating today, but now, I feel the need to sit here and watch her move. I don't trust her at all, especially since I'm missing clothes, some of which I found in her closet, others of which she feigns ignorance...Bullshit! Also, I need to figure out a way to approach her about paying for Sarah-do's book, which after talking to Sarah-do, I find out is basically irreplaceable, it was a gift from the author. How does one replace sentiment? You don't! The book is so fucked up though, that I couldn't in my right mind return it in that condition. I borrowed it, so I am responsible for it, even if I didn't actually do the damage, it was in my house, on my bookshelf...Till the adopted one decided to read it, it was in great condition. I'm an avid book collector, I would never ever treat a book, poorly, hell, I don't even break the bindings on my paperbacks...

Crazy D just called, the girls are up and ready to go. I better jump in the shower real quick and get over there.

Getting stronger

2005-01-28T12:41:00.000-05:00

Let's try this again...I had the whole damn blog typed out and the computer crashed. That's just the type of luck that I have. I'm feeling much stronger today than I have in awhile, hopefully this will all end soon. I'm picking the girls up tonight at six from swim practice, we have a meet early tomorrow morning. Hopefully this weekend won't wipe me out too much. I've already set up a slumber party at a friend's house for Saturday night so that I can get a little rest and they can see their friend before she moves to Maine. Z is moving with her mom at the end of February, so we are going to try to get the girls all together as much as possible before then. Their circle of friends is getting smaller just like mine.

Friends, really what are they? I'm starting to realize that I don't have any real friends, not even my hubby is a friend. They are all too busy with their lives to even pick up the phone to see how I am. Promises of I'll call you later are never fulfilled. Yesterday, Smiles came over for a little bit, she was so kind to let me borrow her iPod while I was in the hospital. She vacuumed my living room for me and then raided my CD stash for music to upload onto her iPod. Everything comes with a price though, this morning she wanted to know if I could drive her son to school, I felt like a royal shit telling her no, but honestly, I haven't been out of my house at all since getting home from the hospital. I don't plan on leaving it till I have to leave to pick up the girls. I am so wiped out from yesterday...I never did take that nap, instead, I did laundry, up and down two flights of stairs, and I packed up the adopted one's shit. At least the stuff that was in any of the common areas, I'm not messing with her room, she can deal with that herself. When I went upstairs yesterday looking for dirty laundry in the twins room, I came across a few of my towels in the adopted one's room, so I picked them up only to find that she had borrowed a few of my books...Fine, if you respect them, instead, she had folded down the pages of one of my girlfriend's hardbacks. Now, I've got to pay to replace that book! This child has done nothing but cost me money and cause me headaches. I only let her stay because I thought I would be moving on to something better, something greater, something that I had waited for my entire adult life. Now, I know better. There is no sense in waiting for anyone or anything, life must go on.

It's funny, I almost lost my life once again this winter, laid up in the hospital dying from the unknown. They still haven't really diagnosed me with anything real. Oh well, I'm used to conventional medicine not knowing what's wrong with me. Just like the last time I almost died...It took them a month to figure it all out that time, and in the interim, the doctor almost killed me by prescribing the wrong medicines. Well, when your delirious, you see things a whole lot differently. It may sound strange to some, but those of you who really know me, know that I relish in the strange, my thoughts become so much clearer when I'm in these fugue states. I see things I normally don't allow my mind to entertain, I become in touch with my subconscious. This time around I've realized so much about myself and my life, it's time for some major changes, I have found my path, now I must follow it, wherever it may lead me. My book will get written, and I will run for president, just in the interim, I need to start concentrating on another calling.

Back to friends...Sarah-do...Lovely girl that she is brought me some clothes while I was in the hospital, and picked me up the day I got out, otherwise, I can't get her on the phone to save my life. I asked her to look into apartments for me before I went to FL, still nothing from her in my inbox, does she think I'm playing? Does she think I want to live in this apartment with the ceilings falling down around us any longer? She works for one of the better real estate companies managing apartments, it's not asking much of her, matter of fact, I'm merely asking her to do her job. As if I were any other consumer, but no, I'm a "friend" so I get the "friend" treatment, which means no calls returned and no pictures of apartments in my inbox as promised. Oh well, I know she is so busy...

The hubby, well, he was great while I was in the hospital, I could call him at anytime and he would take the call. Now that I'm out, I can't reach him for shit. I've left message after message, if I happen to catch him, he promises to call later, and then I don't hear from him for days. How am I supposed to get my medical bills paid if he won't give me the financial statements? Does he enjoy playing these fucking games with me over and over again? I'm tired of being there for everyone else and when I need something or someone, I get shut out. It reminds me of the friends I had back at the milt, I would always remember everyone's birthday, bake them cakes, decorate their lockers, etc...Never ever did anyone remember mine. I choose the wrong people to be my friends continuously. I'm so damn tired of it all.

The only person who has been by my side consistently is the one person I never expected it of, J, he has been unbelievable kind and considerate. He was by my side everyday in the hospital and has been to my house everyday since I got home. He even helped me do laundry and make my bed yesterday. That is completely out of character for him. Something has begun to shift in our relationship, I'm starting to realize that I may be more to him than just another possession, a pretty pet, I may actually be human. He may actually have real feelings for me, that is good and bad on so many levels. How can I ever allow myself to have feelings for someone who is married? Is it even an option? No, I don't think it is, that puts me right back into the sitting and waiting situation...I'll ponder this more later. J just called me, wanting to know what I want to eat for lunch, he's going to pick up Chinese, God, I hope I can eat it, I'm starving! Nothing seems to really sit well with me, but Moo Shu should be easy to digest and some soup of course!

Finding freedom in the little things.

2005-01-27T12:19:00.000-05:00

Today I found myself unable to stop myself from picking up the phone to call the adopted one and throwing her out on the curb. I feel so much better since I did this little motion. I gave her till the end of tonight to bring me my keys back and get her shit out. I don't need the hassles that she brings and the utter lack of respect that she has for myself and my house. I did her a huge favor by letting her in here when her mother was beating her, all I asked is that she respected me, she couldn't do this so fuck her. I don't need a teenage daughter...

I still feel so weak, just trying to do the laundry is taking all of my energy. They still haven't really figured out what is wrong with me, I just know that I'm in a ton of pain as I sit here writing this. This is the first time that I have been out of bed in almost a week. I refuse to take my pain pills till I just can't stand the pain anymore. My kidneys and my liver are swollen and tender...This too shall pass just like everything else. I will get better.

Listening to your mix again, as always, it gives me the strength I need to go on. It was so nice to hear your voice again the other day. Thank you for calling when I needed you most. I hope that your life is going on the right track. I have decided that nursing school is a must! I would look so damn sexy in the uniform, besides with all of my connections with the rich old geezers in this town, I may be able to find a nice private position. Plus, it would mean only 18 more months of servitude. I wasn't meant to be controlled by anyone, I must take back control and this is the quickest way out of here. In the meantime, I will take every opportunity to stash a little cash.

I find it quite interesting that most of my readers are ex-milts...Is it some sort of coincidence? Or, is it just life coming around full circle again? I would love to ponder this more on the page, but for now, the pills are calling my name and a nice long nap.

I am better than a phoenix...I am a cat.

A cry for help...

2005-01-23T10:02:00.000-05:00

Alone

2005-01-17T08:06:00.000-05:00

I feel so alone down here with J...I can't relax at all! I really don't think that this is the life I'm meant to lead. How can one be expected to head down a path knowing that at the end of it you are still going to be all alone? I find it difficult to sleep an entire night through laying in his bed, feeling his weight on the other side of the bed isn't a comfort, it's a nightmare. This is the best and worst job that I have ever had, I'm trying to accept it, but it's so damn hard to swallow this pill.

Fuck he's up! So much for getting any writing in today.

Early morning thoughts...

2005-01-16T07:31:00.000-05:00

I'm sure that I won't have long once I start this...J is just in the other room sleeping, but with the coffee brewing and the sound of my fingers on the keyboard he may not be asleep much longer. It's freezing in this house! I can't sleep at night because I'm chilled to the bone even with the ambient in my system I don't stay asleep. How did I think that this life was what I wanted? Yes, it's nice to get new things all of the time, but really, is life about getting things? No, it's about happiness and love neither of which I'll ever get from J. Money doesn't buy either of them, I only wish I would have realized this much earlier in my life, so many things may have been different. Growing up poor, you always think that money will solve all of your problems...Not true! The only way to ever really learn that, is to attain that level of monetary success and still be unhappy. J is a perfect example, he has everything and then some, and isn't really ever happy.

I have been thinking about you and my hubby an equal amount lately, yet in such different ways, you are my distant past, and he is my present, soon to be my past if I don't figure out what the hell I'm doing with myself. I know that he says he doesn't want to ever be with me again, well, more like he can't than doesn't want, due to my craziness. It's all good though, he still can't be with other women other than anonymous fucks, so, I've still got time to decide. Of course, we all know that my pattern is to fall for someone when I know they are out of reach...I guess I like the challenge. It keeps me on my toes. Every time I look at the ocean I see your face. I think of you and all the promises that you made...Then I wonder how I can still have such strong feelings after all these years, after all that has happened to us.

I have been longing for the blade and the blood, but I can't even get a moment to type let alone cut. The scars have got to hold me over till I get home, but it's not the same, I don't get the same freedom.

Trying to cope

2005-01-15T18:04:00.000-05:00

This trip has been a nightmare so far. J has not given me any space to breathe, and I'm starting to feel it! Last night he went off the deep end...He can not handle mixing his alcohol at all, he just lost his shit. He tried to kick me out at one point last night because I wouldn't fight with him...Yeah this is getting more and more twisted. I just told him that he wasn't going to get me to fight and that he just needed to go and sleep the buzz away, it took awhile, but it finally sank through the fuzz. I told him today that there will not be any more episodes like last night otherwise, I'm on the next plane out of here. I came here for fun and relaxation, not to fight.

All I want to do is talk to my hubby and I feel like I can't with J around. I need to tell him how insane J has become and ask his advice...

Making the best of it

2005-01-14T10:40:00.000-05:00

I am doing my best to try and truly relax and enjoy my time in FL, but I can't get any alone time and that is driving me nuts. Every thing that I get on the computer, J finds some reason to sit at the table directly behind me so that he can see everything I'm doing. He has alluded to reading my website on several occasions, but insists that he hasn't seen it in months. Yesterday he brought up self-mutilation...Not a typical topic of conversation in his circle. I feel like I'm sneaking around right now, trying to type this out in the little bit of time I have before he is dressed. I find myself looking over my shoulder constantly...This is why I've got to get a lap top.

A stolen moment

2005-01-13T09:59:00.000-05:00

I have not had a second to myself since getting in the limo yesterday morning. I sent him over to the other house for a moment of privacy...I needed to see if you had responded. There is no need for over clarification. I get the picture. I'll be on MSN when I'm back to the 'burgh...

Yikes!

2005-01-11T23:54:00.000-05:00

Still haven't cleaned the bathroom...Big surprise there! I hate that! I finally got my stuff packed, hung out with Sarah-do for a bit doing the whole present thing. I love what she got me, I'm taking the Therapy Flash Cards to FL with me...That should be interesting. The first word we flipped to was abuse, then it was addiction, baggage, and then compartmentalization!!! Can you believe that? The definition was exactly like what my husband was describing...

I should probably try to get some sleep, but I feel the need to try and stay up till the limo comes.

M girl

2005-01-11T16:58:00.000-05:00

If he was 12, then I'm sure I don't know him, unless he was a swimmer...And even then, I'm sure it would be a bit fuzzy for me. Keep reading and living through my words, I promise to keep you entertained if not anything else!

A quick response

2005-01-11T16:53:00.000-05:00

Just for the record...I don't ever want you to stop answering me, I don't want to ever be disconnected from you again.

I was just getting ready to turn my phone off when I got that message from you...I thought it was an old text message that I had accessed somehow, and then I realized it was you and you wanted to reach out to me. That made my heart jump through my chest. My palms started to sweat and I nearly dropped the phone out of the window. It took forever for my phone to connect to the web, and even longer for each message to get to you. Hearing your voice at the end of it all made it all worthwhile. I love you so much I always will, to be apart is our destiny for this period in our lives, but that won't make me stop loving you. It's good to know that you still think of me as I dream of you. Please write whatever you are thinking and don't apologize for it or regret writing it. You should know me by now, I prefer the truth , even if it might hurt me. It's not that I thought everything you told me were lies, it's just that you happened to tell the biggest one that I ever actually fell for, and when I questioned you about it, you insisted that you were being honest, so honey, sometimes I feel a bit of resentment about it. You can understand that, right?

When I'm with J, I picture your face so that I can get through it all...FL is going to be hell! I'll have no where to escape to...he even takes me golfing when he goes, he can't bear to be apart from me. Yuck! The sun will be nice, feeling the Gulf caress my body will be nice, but otherwise, it's going to be a very long trip. When I was referring to weak men, I was thinking about J...After what you have been through, how could I ever think of you as weak again?

Did you check the source on your blog too? Whatever was hidden was supposed to be in one of our blogs...I know I sound crazy right about now. I would have loved to have done a lot more than shove you in my closet back then. Remember the greenhouse? I was forced into a flower shop not so long ago, buying flowers for D's flute performance, when the guy was in the back getting my bouquet ready, I climbed into the cooler to feel a little bit closer to you. The scent of the chilled roses and carnations took me back to those steamy sessions, my blood started to boil, I thought a little harder about you and had a mini orgasm in the cooler. The poor kid working in the shop didn't know what to do when he came out and saw me all flushed standing just inside the cooler.

I hope that you will share a bit more with me about your new projected path in life. I'll be waiting for your call later...Work? Where are you working tonight if you don't work for them anymore?

One quick question.

Are they moving you down south so that we aren't this close to each other anymore?

I've got to go for now, I must pack and clean...Things I was to do earlier today and never accomplished.

Mary

2005-01-11T11:16:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry to hear that you lost your one and only true love as well...Would I know who he is? I love that you are able to relate to my stories, and I hope that they give you a little bit of freedom in your life. It sucks to be forced into a roll in life that doesn't bring you happiness. My name is at the very bottom of my website, I prefer not to post it up here just because of who might actually read this. I don't need to make it proof positive for anyone who might be spying like J in my stories. If I don't make it public knowledge, he can never prove it was me writing about him. I need to keep my job for now...

Anonymous:

2005-01-11T10:43:00.000-05:00

I should have graduated in 1991, I was there for eleven years. If you look closely at my website, you should be able to figure out who I am. What world do you live in where erotic material is taboo? I asked for your name...Not just your year of graduation.

Pissed at the rain

2005-01-11T10:35:00.000-05:00

The rain that keeps falling in my damn bedroom! Waking up to the sound of rain is nice, when it's on the outside of your house, but when it's right next to your bed, it becomes quite frustrating. Just a mere four days ago, I reported that these leaks were at it again. Empty promises made by the landlord to fix the leaks, I say empty because it's been going on four years now that I have been dealing with this bullshit! I'm furious that it has gotten to this point, usually the landlord will go out on the roof on the days when the rain has stopped and at least pretend to fix it, not this time though, he didn't even make the effort to fix any of it. One of the twins has lost her bed due to the excessive water damage to her mattress, this is too much for me! I'm contacting one of my many attorneys and getting out of what is left of my lease. I'm putting Sarah-do on apartment patrol and packing up my shit and heading out. I've got to write a nice little letter first to the landlord and snap a few shots of this, thank goodness I have the photos of these cracks and leaks from when I first moved in. I may not have communicated with him in writing, but I do have photos, and witnesses to my complaining over all of these years.

To Anonymous:

2005-01-11T10:01:00.000-05:00

I would love to know how you found my website if it truly is that bizarre...you tell me when you went there and your name, and I'll tell you who I am. Why are you addicted to my blog? What does it for you?

Early morning musings

2005-01-11T05:23:00.000-05:00

Been thinking tons about my hubby. He really did love me...I just took too long to realize it. I should have known though, when he sat by my side every possible second when I was sick. I should have known when he looked in my eyes on our wedding day. "Hind sight is 20/20", what a great phrase. For it is truly one of the most accurate statements I have ever heard. I can look back and see things oh so clearly now. Just looking at our wedding photos makes my heart melt. He adored me then, now, he's just one of the wounded masses struck by hurricane U. I lay here for many hours on end trying to figure out how I can get his heart to convince his head to trust me again. He told me that it's hard for him to fuck me when we are together because there are too many emotions involved, that he can't just turn them on and off like I do. Compartmentalize, I believe is the word he used to describe the way I deal with life. I wish it were that simple.

My thought on all of this...I have no real emotions. I mean I know pain well for it has been my friend on many long sleepless nights.(Side Note: My head is throbbing right now. Some idiot's car alarm is going off, it's 5:16 am! Why can't they hear it? The streets are nearly silent other than the occasional ambulance going by! It's been five minutes already...Oh thank you for finally getting up and shutting that shit off!!!) Love is something that I'm not sure I have ever really known. I think that I have loved many people in my life, but if it was love, why was I so mean to all of them? Why have I consistently pushed away everyone that I have ever truly cared about? I always realize it once they already have one foot out the door. Maybe it's the old adage, "You always want what you can't have", that makes me "realize" I'm in love. Or maybe, I just don't trust in love enough to know when it's real until I'm able to look at it from a distance. Who the hell really knows? To be honest, at this moment in time I'm too damn tired to give a damn.

Time for a nap.

The Blood

2005-01-11T05:03:00.000-05:00

The blood cleanses my palate,
washing away the rotten taste left behind from the lies I have told to keep my life.
It flushes the acrid taste out of my mouth from the lies I have been forced to swallow.
Many lies from many men.
The worst liar being the one I worship the one who means everything to me.
Even still at this moment I worry about him and his life.
The pain is fading slowly,
the blood helps me forget,
brings me to another realm,
releases me for one glorious moment.
I live for these moments.
I am only able to steal them from time to time,
hidden from the world I slowly pull the blade across my flesh,
waiting impatiently for the tiny river to flow.
These cuts were meant for you once now it's only for me,
for my pleasure.
The pleasure of watching, tasting, and fleeing from what my life has become.
I will take control.
The blood gives me the strength I need to fight this battle.
There will be a time when I feel something other than pain again.
There will be a time when I'll fall in love again.
Now that I know my love resides not in your being any longer,
I must find a new home,
one that will withstand all that I can give,
one who will be stronger than me in the end.
No more weak men for me.

Morning world...

2005-01-10T10:01:00.000-05:00

I who usually never dream have had two nights filled with exhausting dreaming. Last night you weren't the star of my dreams, only a bit player. It seems that the real star was MHS, I kept dreaming of that place the way it is now with all of those new buildings. We were there for a swim team reunion, which turned into an entire school reunion of only our friends. It was so strange to see all of these people in my dreams, people whose names and faces I have blocked from my memory over all of these years. There were people in my dream last night that I would never have thought of in my conscious mind ever, and yet last night I could see every detail of them as they should be now. To say the least, I woke up in a tizzy this morning, only to realize, that I can't do anything about it. I mean really, do I want to try to track down anyone else from that school? Look what happened when I found you...I really don't need a repeat of that, but no one else was ever as close to me as you were, you have known me in ways most of them only dreamt of.

Okay, I am having the worst luck this morning with my damn tea. I have now spilled it all over my leg and again all over my desk. I'm so lucky it didn't get in the keyboard again...

I really shouldn't be on here too long, I've got a few more bills to pay before the end of the month, and I really must begin packing. I leave for FL, Wednesday morning at the crack of dawn. Ten fun filled days at the beach, too bad they all are going to be with J. I should stop, he has been behaving lately. I think I really scared him when I broke up with him the last time, he knows now that I am completely irreplaceable.

I've got to run over to get waxed again before I leave...She's calling me right now telling me to hurry up and get to her house. She's got to go out and about later this afternoon, so if I want to be smooth, I need to go now.

Over and Over

2005-01-09T13:01:00.000-05:00

Last night I dreamt of you...

2005-01-09T09:47:00.000-05:00

I usually block my dreams from being able to come through...You know how I hate to see the future anymore. Last night was different though, last night the dreams came through the block and into my consciousness. You were the star in all of them, or was it only one long dream with many different landscapes? I can't really be sure, it's been so long since I've tried to interpret such things. These were not visions of what is to be like I normally have, these were messages, I think, messages from you about us.

At the beginning of the dream, I know that you will be coming to visit me soon, so I'm getting dressed up for you, rummaging through drawers, ripping clothes out of my closet, trying on every combination, only to settle on what I believe is my white "Pamper Me" t-shirt and a pair of jeans. As I'm waiting for you to arrive I head over the to the computer to write. I hear your voice from further along the hallway, I rush to the door of my bedroom to find you just outside, I hurtle myself into your arms, only to be pushed away by you and held at arms distance.

"Marry me," you sneer looking down at my shirt.

"Marry me? What the fuck?" I snap back, as I look down my tone changes to one of contrition, "Oh, I thought that this was a different shirt." "Marry me?!", I giggle nervously, "this shirt isn't for you."

"Stop acting like you are fifteen!" You bark at me.

"Fifteen? I think I act a lot older than that."

"Then what is this shirt?"

For a moment there is still lingering tension, you feel pressure by my shirt, I feel embarrassed that I didn't know I was wearing it. Mortified with myself for putting you on the spot when I know that your heart belongs to another, that you love her as you could never love me. I try to just ignore the tension, but it's not working, I head back into my room as if to change, when your arms wrap around my body and you pull me close to you.

"I'd marry you if I could," you whisper.

The scenery changes, we are back at the milt, in one of the bedrooms there. It's just about time for bed checks and I'm trying desperately to hide you. I try to get you to go into the closet, but there are so many shoes at the bottom that you can barely fit inside. You try to argue with me that this is not the place for you to hide, that they will look inside and find you, that we will get into trouble and lose everything. I laugh, as I shove you deeper inside and push you to the floor.

"Trust me baby, I've done this before, they won't find you." I say as I'm burying you in my clothes.

I sit down at my computer just as the houseparent walks by the door. He looks in, sees nothing out of the ordinary and continues down the hallway. I release you from your temporary prison and we fall onto my bed laughing in each other's arms. We fall back into the old ways, not needing to say a word and able to communicate everything. We lay in each other's arms all night long, swearing to each other that nothing will ever come between us. The scenery changes yet again, we wake up in each other's arms only, we are at the health center. Nurse Ungst is pissed as hell when she finds us together, she threatens me with another trip to the doctor, which we both know from experience is code for being molested.

I stare her down, terrified, yet reserved and calm because you are with me, "Go ahead and make the appointment, you can't scare me anymore." I bluff.

She picks up the phone to call the doctor, but again the scenery changes...This time we are apart from one another, only connected through cyberspace. We are both sitting at our computers, typing out everything that we must tell each other furiously. Your connection goes down, you are taken away from me. I panic. I don't know how to live without you. At this point we have been together for so long in so many ways...to be disconnected is a terribly cruel fate. Then as my frenzy reaches a new pitch, I look up at the screen, everything is changing on it's own accord and I hear your voice whispering in my ear. "It's in the html", you keep repeating the phrase, "It's in the html."

I look hard at the screen and I notice that there are very faint lines running through the script of my blog saying that say the same thing, "it's in the html", over and over again. It's as if those words are floating on top of the rest of the text. I see them clearly, I know what I need to do.

With that, I woke up quite rattled. I look at the clock only to see that it's 4:20 am. I got up went to the bathroom and debated with myself on whether or not I should get online and check the html or just go back to sleep and pretend it didn't happen. Of course, I did the latter, really, what would I know about html code anyway? I wouldn't know if there was a hidden message if it jumped out and bit me. I laid there tossing and turning the rest of the night, unable to really rest, fearing that I had missed out on some deep message from you. Maybe I was supposed to get online to talk to you? Maybe you are in trouble? Maybe you need something from me that only I can provide? All of these thoughts running through my head making me feel for you. Making me care about your life again...Damn it and just when I was finally able to go to a swim meet without crying my eyes out in the bathroom at least once. Why? Why have you come back to hurt me all over again? Do I really enjoy the pain that only you can give me that much? I don't really know the answer to that question...Only my soul does and lately we haven't been on the same page.

I've got to go for now, we have another swim meet today and I must get ready...

You're back...

2005-01-06T15:37:00.000-05:00

I see that you are back online again, that you have completed your ritual, your rite to rule, your rebirth. It's nice to know that you came out of this feeling more light in your life than before, it's nice that you are one with the universe...

How did it feel to be trapped inside of the earth?

I wish that we could talk about all that has passed in your life and do so openly and honestly. I hope that the new year brings you new peace and a new perspective on life. It's funny, I thought I would have so much to say to you when you returned...But inside I feel dead, unable to communicate my basic fears and desires.

Cabin Fever

2005-01-04T19:23:00.000-05:00

I feel the need to get the hell out of the house, but where would I go? I can't go shopping, I need to pay the attorney $500 tomorrow. I shouldn't go out drinking, I've got to be in court tomorrow morning early. What shall I do? I guess I could call Sarah-do and see what she is up to, we still haven't done our gift exchange yet.

I just had to run over here like a junky, again, I'm looking for word from you. How did everything go?

J just left, I'm playing very nice right now. I realized today that if I'm to get all that I want, I just need to be a little bit nicer. You catch more flies with honey...

Back to my regularly scheduled life.

2005-01-04T13:58:00.000-05:00

Today I get to go back to being the pretty pet sitting and waiting for my "master" to come and play with me. I used quotes because if you've been reading along you know how I feel about this! Doing some laundry, paying the bills and just generally getting ready for J to come over. I'm not really looking forward to seeing him, matter of fact, last night when he thought his plane wasn't going to make it back to Pittsburgh, I was secretly praying for him to get trapped in FL! I just am not prepared to do this anymore. It's so funny, but before you came back into my life, I was able to accept my life for what it is, and I could almost enjoy my time with J, now, I despise every moment that I'm with him. When I think of him my skin starts to crawl! He is such a little bitch...I don't feel like dealing with him at all! I know that he is going to start in on me for going away for New Year's Eve, trying to get me to admit to him that I was in NY and not Harrisburg. I don't see why he can't just back up off of my life a bit, it's not like he is going to divorce his wife to be with me, so he has no right to judge me when he's not around. I really don't understand how he thinks that he can bitch at all about me being with my husband. I don't complain about him being away with his wife, actually, I kind of look forward to the times that they all go away. It means a few days of rest for me.

I just ordered $30 worth of Thai food and ate about six bites. I still have no appetite at all, I'm starting to look like an anorexic. I keep trying to eat, but can't seem to stomach anything. That was one nice thing about being in NY, I could go get the bomb ass Israeli food, now that, I was able to eat a bunch of! Too bad there isn't anywhere good here! How I miss Dada's cooking, he always did make the best shit. I just miss having someone around to cook for me, but I especially miss his cooking!

I brought home this sexy ass school teacher last night, unfortunately for me he is on his way back to LA today. I keep hooking up with all of these young boys, hell, when I was 18, he was 13, that's scary when you look at it like that. When I see our ages of today, I say, oh, that's not too bad, then, I look at it as if we were teenagers. I would never have dated a thirteen year old boy then, so why am I messing with someone that much younger? Who really cares? My nipples are still a little sensitive from last night, he bit me so many times, and so hard each time, he just kept increasing the pressure with his teeth till I was ready to explode, and then he would release my nipple, just to move to my clit and do the same thing all over again. The biting was good, the foreplay was a little weak, but I have to remember, he is a baby still, with the right training, he could be a great lover. He's got the basics of it all, and he wants to be dominate, he just isn't quite sure of his role. At one point he pinned my arms down to the bed with one of his muscular arms, slid his cock deep inside of me and bit down so hard on my nipple that my body immediately exploded against him in one of those earth quaking orgasms. I loved it when he had my feet hooked into the headboard while he was ramming his cock in me, my arms pinned beneath my own body, like I said, he has the basics, he just needs a bit of guidance.

Shit, I've got to go for now...laundry and bills are calling my name!

Home

2005-01-03T20:17:00.000-05:00

I just walked in the door and rushed to the computer yet again in search of some word from you...Still nothing on any of the accounts. The drive home wasn't too bad other than the rain. I listened to a ton of music that reminded me of you and thought about how much all of this has truly hurt me. I wonder how I allowed myself to get so hurt so quickly...Usually I keep my guard up forever. Maybe, it's because of our history, but I should know by now that no matter how much things may appear to be the same, every thing constantly changes and evolves. I was thinking about how you cultivated my favorite hobby in your wife, making it her career, how you say her voice sounds like mine, etc...You tried to replace me with her. The things we must do to cope, to evolve , to survive in this world. I'm beginning to wonder what I must do to cope? What will finally satisfy me? My husband's favorite saying about me is that I'm never satisfied with anything no matter how great it may be, I'm always looking for something else, some other level of existence perhaps?

Off to unpack and shower...Then I'll be back to pay the bills and probably write more.

Half way there

2005-01-03T16:54:00.000-05:00

Headed home again

2005-01-03T13:52:00.000-05:00

The Village

2005-01-02T12:58:00.000-05:00

Walking through the Village yesterday, I kept seeing you, feeling you so close to me that my heart was nearly beating out of my chest. At one point, I felt you so close to me that I had to stop and search up and down the streets, I saw your minions but not you. My heart sank deep into my chest again where it has been residing ever since you hurt me, barely fluttering enough to keep me alive.

My hubby and I have been having a really great time. Yesterday we went to eat at one of his friend's restaurants, the food was amazing. I haven't had Israeli food that good in years, everything was perfect. Our server was gorgeous, we made eye contact the minute I walked into the place and she was definitely into it. I flirted politely through the entire meal then made sure to get her number before we left. We are taking her out tonight...I'm sure we won't be out for too long if I get my way.

Mimosas in the morning

2005-01-01T13:54:00.000-05:00

It's a lazy New Year's Day morning, we slept till 12:30, woke up slowly with a cup of tea and a mimosa. Made all of the obligatory calls this morning. Text messaged J, I told him I was in Harrisburg, he texted back family or hubby? I refuse to respond it's none of his damn business who I'm with when he's not around. He doesn't own me and he needs to realize that once and for all. I will not fight with him anymore about what I do in my spare time or who I do it with. He gets jealous of everyone, so it doesn't really matter what I tell him. He can't deal with anyone being with me, not even the girls. So...What can I do? I'm finally just choosing not to get into these situations with him by not telling him everything. The more he knows, the more he tries to use it against me. He thinks I don't see his game...

My hubby is just about out of the shower, so I need to get mine.

Last night was everything I wanted and more.

Almost there

2004-12-31T16:05:00.000-05:00

Another Ticket

2004-12-31T13:27:00.000-05:00

Back to NY

2004-12-31T11:57:00.000-05:00

Happy Fucking New Year!

2004-12-31T09:41:00.000-05:00

I missed my opportunity to go to NYC for nothing. I went over to Zythos last night and found my dj, all was going good and I was about to get mine when in walks this hottie. I of course wanted her and so, I started to bullshit with her got to know her a bit, and she pointed out her black eye. She told me she got it from fighting with this girl the night before because she was trying to get on her man...You guessed it, her man is my dj. She asked me if I knew him at all and I just laughed and said, "Yeah you could say that I know Tim." She never said his name. I wasn't to be deterred though, I love a good threesome so I decided the thing to do was try to get her into it. When we started to talk about it she told me that she loves to kiss girls, but she could never imagine going down on one, I told she didn't know what she was missing and that she should give it a try sometime. She then proceeded to tell me that her boyfriend doesn't like it when she makes out with other girl's...Her words, "Have you ever known a straight man who wasn't into two girls kissing?" I told her I've known plenty. I then let her go...If she doesn't munch she does me no good. I hung out for a little bit longer talking to some of my friends that I haven't seen in forever when this girl whom I had met once or twice before came up to me when the lights went up at two and started making out with me. I made out with her full on tongue passing between lips hands caressing breasts, and then she was gone, with D's flute teacher of all people. I apologized to him when I realized that they were together and he told me that it was all good, she wasn't his girlfriend. I know the dj was watching me...I hope it ate him up inside! He kept texting me last night while he was with her telling me how much he wants me and that she was stalking him...blah blah blah! Yeah I'm not buying any of that. I don't trust any word that comes out of any man's mouth after you lied to me in so many fucking ways.

Now I'm trying to find a flight to NY so that I don't have to be alone tonight. I'm pissed as hell at the adopted one so I surely don't want to sit in this house with her. I've been invited to a bunch of parties here, but none of them will be banging like NY! Besides, if I can get my ass up there, I can go to Shelter this weekend.
Fuck it, if I jump in the car now, I'll be there by 5, the same time I'd get there if I fly. The traffic is going to be atrocious no matter what so...What am I doing?

Undecided

2004-12-31T00:29:00.000-05:00

Do I stay here in this lame excuse for a city, or do I hop in my car and drive to NY for a fun filled weekend? I can't decide what to do. I'm so exhausted, yet I can't find it in myself to try to lie down to sleep. I was out with Smiles at Havana, and now I want to hop in my car and run over to Zythos...If I can find the dj then I'll stay in Pgh, if not, I come home and drive to NY in a few hours. I'm already packed and I have been drinking Red Bull all night.

The driving force...

2004-12-30T20:21:00.000-05:00

I think I must be insane, but I'm about to pack my things, take a shower, and a nap. Then off to NY again. Another trip to see my hubby, this time I'm freshly waxed, cut, and colored. I can't wait to climb into his bed again...just the thought of what is waiting for me is enough. Yummy! That's how I describe him. I've got my new outfit from the last trip and I'm ready to party. I've got two great bottles of Champagne(thanks to J) and I made a trip to the weed man! I need to get moving though, I'm supposed to go out with Smiles tonight for a few drinks. Tonight is her last night at the salon forever! Teaching only now for her.

When I was talking to my hubby about coming up to NY again, he asked me if I was going to sneak off and drive up to CT to try and find you. I giggled like a school girl in his ear and told him that I refrained the last trip...I'm sure I can handle myself again. I suggested a 24 hour parking lot he told me it's not worth the money, I will have to use my will power.

Quitting isn't easy

2004-12-28T18:35:00.000-05:00

I've been struggling with quitting smoking again. It really is a very difficult thing to do, especially when one is out of weed and Adovan(sp). I have been quite a bitch over the last three or four days. I feel sorry for the girls for they have been bearing the brunt of it while they are here. I should have waited to quit till after they had gone home to their dad's, but there is no time better than the present. I have them upstairs practicing their instruments, so I have a few minutes before they are finished. Today we spent the day running around buying last minute gifts for people we didn't realize we were exchanging presents with. I just finished wrapping up the ones that we are delivering tonight. I ran out of wrapping paper, so I need to get some for the last few gifts. The holidays sure are expensive. The girls just informed me that there half an hour of practice time is up. Damn I guess I'll have to do this later.

It's been a rough day

2004-12-28T00:50:00.000-05:00

I don't even know where to begin, I have had so many things buzzing through my head all day long. I have been so broken inside today. Driving back from Harrisburg wasn't too bad other than the ticket, the girls played with their Gameboys the whole way, other than when I made them read for forty-five minutes. Every time anyone asks them what their favorite present is they immediately announce, "My Gameboy", in unison. I guess the day started to go sour when I got that damn ticket, to think, I was only about 25 miles from Pittsburgh. I almost made it the whole way, oh well, I was bound to get stopped sooner or later with all of the driving I have been doing.

We were rushing back to get to swim team at one, only to find out that they were really supposed to be at the two o'clock practice. The coach let them practice with the other group anyway and told them they could come to either practice the rest of the week. While I was sitting in the bleachers watching the girls swim I realized again how much a part of me you are. You are in everything that I see, I do, I smell, I don't know how to describe it. It's as if all of this time I built my life around things that reminded me of you without even realizing it until you were back again. Anyway, swim team...Since I had a bit of free time, I decided to copy some of the text messages down that you sent me. Reading some of them almost brought me to tears, while others infuriated me, "My queen assure your friends that I will bring you only joy."

"My queen you consume me, I have given all I am to you. I do not live unless you allow it. I love you my dark queen."

Did you really mean any of it? You knew what was to come...Why did you ever answer that damn email? I'm not going to dwell on these questions...I musn't allow it.

Mother has lost her mind. Even she feels that her grasp on reality is slipping. The connection just came to me...Oh my god! Father went to the rehab to get sober after years and years of abuse, my twin siblings told me that Father was hearing voices and seeing people who weren't alive anymore. Mother said the same thing the other day. She swore that someone was in her trailer...Yes the shame of it she lives in a trailer now. She has never sunk this low before. I'm worried about her, she fell down Christmas morning and whacked her head, I had to arrange for a taxi to take her to the ER, she wouldn't let me call an ambulance, and none of my family would go get her...They didn't find anything, but she made a follow up appointment with her doctor. I couldn't bring myself to go see her. I didn't want the girls to see her in this condition and honestly, I don't know if I can handle it right now. I'm not very stable myself at this point. I still find myself longing to cut myself, I need to release the pain that is inside of me, but I'll keep my word to you. As I was waiting for the laundry cycle to finish earlier, I kept running my fingers over the scars feeling a sense of satisfaction in it.

J and I are fighting still...I can't find it in my heart to be nice to him anymore. He annoys me so much sometimes, if it is possible for anyone to be anymore impatient than me, it is him! He has been calling me for the last few days and pestering me about when I'm going to come to FL. When I told him that C has an orchestra concert he just about flipped, telling me that I need to skip an event here and there. I lost it, I believe I said something along the lines of just because he's an absentee parent doesn't mean I am going to be and that he should realize by now that everything I do I do for them. Everything revolves around making their lives better than mine. Why else does he think I put up with his whining ass? He keeps threatening to leave me, this is getting really old as far as I'm concerned. He can leave if he wants. There are other men out there with a lot more to offer me, but he'll never find another one of me. I'm just too twisted in all the right ways for him. Unfortunately, he isn't twisted enough for me. He will never be the one to tame me so he might as well quit trying now while we still might have a chance of getting along...But is that even what I really want? How the hell do I know? I can't even think about anything except how much you hurt me.

I keep turning to my hubby in this time of crisis. Reaching out to him in so many ways, and getting rejected on some levels and revived on others. He knows me well, and has already been bitten by me once before, I'm not so sure he's willing to trust my emotions right now. Besides, I do believe that I always come back to him...After everyone else tramps on my heart I run back to him and he picks up the pieces. It's amazing the way he does it for me time and time again, I do love him in so many ways. If only we could figure out a way to live in the same house...I've been on the messenger with him the entire time I've been writing this. I turned him onto my blog tonight for the first time. I liked watching his reactions to what he was reading and listening to.

My eyes are getting heavy. I know the girls will be up at the crack of dawn, so I better try to catch some sleep while I can.

Home...Finally

2004-12-27T17:13:00.000-05:00

It has been quite a trip I tell you! Back and forth across this barren state so many times. I got popped today for speeding, $165, I knew it would happen sooner or later. I'm planning on coming back to NY for New Year's Eve.

The lasagne is going to be done soon, so I only have a few moments.

I searched all of my email accounts including the Sorcha one...Looking for word from you. I know that last night was supposed to be your big night. I hope that you came through this with the desired results.

Damn the timer is going off...

Your time has come

2004-12-25T23:30:00.000-05:00

I know that things have changed completely for you in the last few hours. The time for you to come to a great understanding has finally arisen. I'm at my aunt's house in Harrisburg with the girls. It's Christmas after all, a time for family. My love, I fear for you, yet I know that you will come through this with flying colors. I need you to know that I love you beyond all things known to you before, that I am here for you in a capacity not readily available to most. I am your queen you have said so yourself on many occasions. We are destined to be together in some way, but first we must both find our selves, our true beings, not these things that we have been pretending to be for the last fifteen years.

I have loved you in ways that have been sought after for millenniums by zillions of different beings and none have ever found anything so perfect as what we can give to each other. My king I bear my soul to you on the eve of your transformation. I tell you that there has never been another who will know me in the ways that you do. There will never be any one who can take your place...Many have loved me, but I have loved few. You are the one who makes my heart beat for life, you are the one who has controlled my every thought for all of these long years, you are the one the psychic spoke of, the one whom I have given all to with nothing in response, you are the one who makes me crave the gypsy life I once lead before the girls, you are my king, my love, my heart, my thoughts, my absolute life force. I have been going crazy these last few days. I search and search for word from you, but nothing...Just a mere bump on the horizon not even a welt on my flesh.

I have driven back and forth across this damned state so many times in a lame attempt not to drive to CT to find you, to pull you close and breathe you in. Damn it JD I need you so fucking much it scares the piss out of me. I have never once before desired anyone the way that I desire you now. You might say that I am completely consumed with you, every thought is of you and what you might be going through at this very moment. I want to give you everything and yet, I fear that I have nothing to offer you. Once you take these steps tonight and over the next couple of days, everything is going to change for you. Your wants will be fulfilled and your desires meted out in an understanding manner, you will reside on the right side of the one who rules your world with me at your feet. I find myself fading in and out of these trances. I have been writing for forty minutes and barely have accomplished anything. At the rate that I type, this should be one of the longest entries ever!!! I can't even focus on anything other than you. The moon is almost in the right position, I can feel it pulling me, calling my name drawing me deeper into it's light. That glorious dark light that can only be generated from the moon. I love it so!

I feel the desire to lie beneath the moon and stars stark naked in the cold and absorb all of the lunar energy tonight. To withstand these temperatures of negative ills on my being. I must make this happen again. When we were in that place I used to absorb the moon on nights like these all of the time without ever leaving the room. That was the one great thing about those big ass windows there, and the fact that I could climb out of them was pretty nice too. I only wish that I would have crawled into your bed.

I digress again.

I must get off of this damned machine I need to be in touch with you, I hear you calling my name. Tonight may be our last......

On the road again

2004-12-25T18:23:00.000-05:00

Back to the 'burgh...

2004-12-24T15:07:00.000-05:00

Leaving NY pt.3

2004-12-24T11:33:00.000-05:00

Leaving NY pt.2

2004-12-24T11:32:00.000-05:00

Leaving NY pt.1

2004-12-24T11:21:00.000-05:00

I need a translation

2004-12-23T20:05:00.000-05:00

www.lifesaver.net

The last post has a link to my website...I'm curious.

Still in NY. Trying not to lose my mind.

Went to this hot club last night, Cielo in the meat packing district. I danced my ass off it was great. I wanted to stay till 4, but the people I was with needed to work in the morning.

Bought two pairs of really great boots, one pair of Miss Mooz and one pair of the New Rock Militia collection. They are both super hot. I bought all these great shirts, and a dress that all have straps and strings everywhere. I'll need someone to help lace me up into most of them...

Got my period yesterday!

The big apple

2004-12-22T10:09:00.000-05:00

My king you were right in surmising that those audio links are my NY blogs. It's been hard to get onto a computer for any real amount of time. I hope that you eventually get a chance to listen to them. They are all for you just like everything else I write. I am at my husband's place right now, I'm going to stay here again tomorrow too. I'm leaving on Thursday. This trip was supposed to be a heal the heart and shop till you're happy trip, but I have been doing nothing more than crying at every thing. This was probably the dumbest thing to do right now...Come here so close to you and not even be able to see you. Oh damn this all sucks so much.

I am happy that you are changing. I hope that when you are finished with this rite you will have found the inner peace that you have desired for so long. I know that I do not understand all that you are going through, but I am trying my king. Doubt is not a fair feeling when you are already going through so much. I put my car into a 24 hour garage for the next couple of days so that I'm not tempted to drive to CT. Can't get there on the hoof patrol. I've been so weak this trip. I can't even think for myself right now. I had to take my ex-boyfriend, the house dj, with me to China Town yesterday so that he could do all of my bargaining for me. I would have just thrown my money away yesterday without him. I cried on his shoulder so many times yesterday, I felt bad telling him how much I loved you and have never loved another the same way. I told him how much pain I've been in, he even noticed the cuts, I thought he was going to kill me when he saw that shit.

I've got to go. My hubby is out of the shower and I need to get in so that he can get to work...We are going to have breakfast first. I will try to write more later. Maybe one of the monks will give you a pair of headphones...

Be strong and focus on what must become of you next.

What was the name of that writer's bar? I know that by the time I get a chance to read this again I may already be home, but let me know for the next trip.

It hurts to be so close to you...

2004-12-21T20:16:00.000-05:00

The morning after

2004-12-21T13:28:00.000-05:00

Crazy Three

2004-12-21T01:41:00.000-05:00

Driving too fast...

2004-12-20T21:19:00.000-05:00

Headed to the big city pt.3

2004-12-20T20:23:00.000-05:00

Headed to the big city pt.2

2004-12-20T17:41:00.000-05:00

Headed to the big city pt.1

2004-12-20T15:32:00.000-05:00

Just what I need...

2004-12-20T10:14:00.000-05:00

I'm four days late for my period. I don't even want to know...

Venting

2004-12-18T13:23:00.000-05:00

Just got back from Lisa's...I wasn't able to get everything waxed, apparently I'm too close to my period and I started to bleed when she did my eyebrows. I've got to wait to get the rest done.

Trying to get the house organized so that we can set the tree up tonight...YIKES!!! I know the little demon kitty is going to be all over that shit. Last year he broke half of our ornaments. There is so much to do to be able to get this thing set up that I really can't sit here too long. I just wanted to vent for a sec...I know that the girls are going to want their little friends to spend the night tonight, but I don't know if I can handle all those little girls again. It's been an every weekend thing lately. It wouldn't be so bad if they would just listen...But kids aren't into listening till you start screaming, and then they think that you are a lunatic! You just can't win with them, no matter how hard you try.

Oh and I do believe that I'm going to have to cancel my trip to NY, I just checked the weather and it's supposed to snow! I refuse to do the city in the snow!

Doubt

2004-12-18T09:43:00.000-05:00

This thing that has become us...this thing that has kept us apart. I'm starting to doubt you, my king, I think you are at home and you have been lying again. So, one last time...please be completely honest with me about all of this.

I've got to go shower...I'm going to Lisa's house to get waxed before I come to NY. I need to be there by 10:30.

What to do?

2004-12-17T12:30:00.000-05:00

J is gone now and I'm free for the next few weeks. It's nice to know that. Yet, I'm not really sure what to do with myself. I'm not used to having all of this free time. Being his pretty pet requires a lot of time put in...

I was trying to come to NY on the 20th, but I'm not so sure if that is going to happen. I keep hearing that the weather is supposed to be shitty. I'm not very fond of the city when it snows, everything gets so slushy, and the puddles are deep enough to come up to my knees in some places. I really want to do some shopping though...I haven't bought myself any new winter clothes yet because I h ad been waiting till I moved in with you. The city would have been so close then. Don't dwell on this...

Sitting here in the new red bra, garter belt, and red fishnets, I still have my BCBG stilletos on and a black silk robe. When I put the heels on I noticed that there was dried lubricant on my right heel from the last time I wore them...I shoved it up J's ass...he loved it. Today was a day of pain for him. I humiliated him first by telling him that he was dirty and needed to go wash his ass if he wanted me to fuck him, then I bent him over and whipped him with the cat-of-nine till I could see his flesh beginning to bruise...I'm not to leave marks if I want to keep my position in life. Raking my nails down his back, up his thighs, smacking the marks with my open hand, pinching him, reaching around with one hand and digging my nails into his cock...Hard. Sliding the ribbed phallus in his ass as I grip harder on his cock, driving it in with barely any lubricant, shoving it in till he cried out in pain. I release the pressure on his cock but drive the last inch of the phallus cruelly in his ass. I step back, pick up the cat-o-nine and whip him some more...I see the pre-cum dripping out of his erect cock. I force him down on his knees shoving my pussy in his face, loving the way the red fishnets look against my bronzed skin, making him rub his cock while he makes me cum. I fall on the bed allowing him to finish himself off by fucking me, he cums within a few minutes...It's over.

Nightgown

2004-12-17T09:31:00.000-05:00

As I sit here in that white nightgown that you love so much of course you are all that consumes my thoughts. I put this on when I was going to bed last night because I know you find it super sexy. I claimed into bed put on this movie, "Saint Sinner", the plot is about these monks that travel through time after these two women succubi that one of the monks accidentally released. I fell asleep watching it so I can't tell you more than that. Seeing the monastery and the brown monks robes was enough to implant your image on my brain again. I didn't go out, so I decided to give myself what I needed, but an orgasm isn't the end all be all that a good beating is. So, I'm sitting here debating, do I give the dj one more chance tonight, or do I just open my kit, which is sitting right here next to me, and open my arm. I would really like to put a nice cut in that soft sexy spot beneath my shoulder blade, the part that hangs out of this nightgown. I'd like to watch the blood run down onto the pure whiteness of this gown, staining it for all eternity with our blood, but I can't cut myself there, I can't taste the blood from there. That's why I prefer my wrist, besides, on my wrist it's easy to explain as a cat scratch...Shadow is a crazy kitty after all. I know I promised you I wouldn't cut myself anymore, but the pain is so intense inside. I need an outlet. Writing isn't doing the trick!

On another note, I've been up for an hour and I'm still fighting the urge to get all smoky. You know it's like my medicine. It makes me calm down a bit. It makes me not be so crazy, I'm not drinking coffee in the mornings anymore, and I'm trying to stay away from caffeinated teas, because if I'm not smoking I don't need anymore uppers in my body. I'm already unbalanced enough. I've been smoking way too many cigarettes, I started buying packs again. That's a bad sign.

Fuck! J just called...His limo doesn't pick them up till 12:30, he wants to come over at 10:30 for a bit. Why couldn't he just leave me alone today? Why did he have to come in for one last swipe at me? I can't stand this! Doesn't he realize how much I resent this life? Yesterday, the adopted one's boyfriend told me that he thought I had the best life ever. Sitting around drinking $400 bottles of wine (I had an unbelievable '89 Bordeaux yesterday) smoking the best herb, and fucking all day. I told him that it really isn't all that it appears to be. I told him that it took me awhile, but I finally realized that money doesn't matter if you don't have any type of happiness in your life. Well, with this news, I'm giving in and getting smoky and then I've got to take a quick shower and clean up a bit before he gets here.

House music

2004-12-17T00:04:00.000-05:00

I have been listening to http://cyberjamz.com/live.php pretty much non-stop for the last two days, (I vowed to the adopted one that I would stop listening to the mix you made me...She was afraid of the mood it tended to put me in. I know you understand that.) the djs have given me something to hold onto. I listen to the words, I think of you, I imagine that you are listening to the mixes with me, (archives do exist...) hearing the message in the music as well as the words, feeling the beat vibrate through my body. Writing. Crying. Feeling everything, pain, anger, sadness, and of course tons of love. You are right, many men have loved me before and I have thrown them away for a far lesser infraction than you have committed against my being. The key words are these, "men loved me", not I loved them, I have only loved you for all of eternity, and as they say love is blind, love is forgiving.

My king if you would prefer a bit of privacy we could go back to the email...Or the messenger, but otherwise, our words are here for all to read. For everyone to hear our thoughts, our secrets, our desires, our pain, our love, and everything else that may or may not come about. You have chosen this form of communication. Beings other than ourselves will read these words many will feed off of it, many will find it fascinating, some will think that we are just twisted and depraved, others will try to come between us yet again. Let them all come to us and face us as they truly are...I can restrict the flow of comments. I kind of like the fact that people are reading it, and liking what they read. You know me always the exhibitionist.

Even though I haven't listened to your mix these words have been going through my head all day long. "I get a tingling sensation in private locations where I wish to be caught between a rock and your hard place." Are you still wearing my rings?

I'm going to try to go to bed, my eyes are so heavy and dry.

Can you believe this?

2004-12-16T22:28:00.000-05:00

I think I may be getting stood up by the dj...That would totally suck! I was so looking forward to some pain release tonight. It's still kind of early, so who knows, but I thought I would have at least gotten a call or a text by now about where we are meeting. If he doesn't come through, I've always got my exacto set. The adopted one never showed up so I don't have to worry about trying to hide anything, I can cut and bleed anywhere I choose. It's been a few days since I last had the sweet nectar. I guess the last time would have been the last day we messengered with each other.

Shit, foiled again. The adopted one just walked in.

Reprieve

2004-12-16T20:54:00.000-05:00

I'm going to have a small reprieve till January 3, or somewhere in that neighborhood. J leaves with his family tomorrow. I am so fucking happy! I can't stand being with him anymore, but I want a new life and to get it, I must do things that I'm not always proud of. It's so hard to get into things with him, I just feel so disgusted, I can't even pretend to like it most of the time. Today, I could hear the difference in my voice as I pretended to cum versus when I really do orgasm. Today I sounded hollow. There was absolutely no feeling in me, all I could do to keep from breaking down in tears was to think of you and how good it should have been. How wonderful it would be...But I digress. I knew that if I wanted my trip to NY I would have to kiss some serious ass today and I just couldn't do it. I got half of what my trip is going to end up costing me. Oh, and he tried to tell me today that I needed to stay home instead of going to NY, that there wasn't anything but trouble up there for me, that I wouldn't be able to handle myself. Does he even know who he is talking to? Christ, I used to live there for years, I think I can handle my friends. He's just scared I'm going to have too much fun. He knows that I'm probably going to stay with either my ex-boyfriend or my husband, both of whom I'm still on a fucking basis with. Funny thing is, he wants me to bring my ex-boyfriend to FL this winter.

The adopted one just called, she's going to be home in about 15 minutes with her boyfriend, I need to clean up all of the J evidence. I'll try to write more before I go out.

I know today was torture for you! I wouldn't find it very peaceful either. It's hard to quite the demons in our minds. Our lives our on some sort of crazy parallel, that's what I've been trying to point out regarding all of the dates.

Addicted

2004-12-16T14:57:00.000-05:00

I feel like a junky searching for some sort of communication from you. Have you forgotten about me my king? Have you pulled away even farther? Am I to continue on this path alone forever? I know that you can not give me all that I require. I know that I told you I would let you be alone if that is what you wanted, but I'm addicted to you. I rush home to look at all of my email accounts and then all of our blogs to see if you have left a morsel for me. I need a temporary fix, something that will hold me over for the next couple of hours...It's been almost an entire day without some word from you.

Did the walk with the Abbott have something to do with this? Did you suddenly find inner peace? How is your paper coming along? Am I going to be able to read it when you are finished? Is your body healing properly?

The trip to Victoria's Secret was a smashing success, I got 2 new bras, 2 new garter belts, and bunch of different color fish net stockings. I do so love that store...

Why?

2004-12-16T11:54:00.000-05:00

Why does everything in my life seem to happen at speeds not known to the rest of mankind? I can break up and make up with in the hour with J, I can feel nothing but disgust when I think of him though. You have come in and out of my life several times already in just a few short months, crushing me along the way making me unfit for any other man.

I feel the need to cut or fuck! J isn't fucking that's just play, someone for me to beat on, but no one with the ability to control. Now, the dj on the other hand, that's some hot sex, that's what I fucking need. Someone to take over for a few hours. I can't wait till tonight, I'm going for all of it. Going to wear the red skirt I bought for you, the high black leather boots from Belgium, I'll figure out the shirt later. I should wear some sexy ass lingerie as well, maybe a pair of thigh high fish net stockings that come just below the skirt...hmmm...Need to go shopping for those, maybe I'll buy a new garter belt too. I love new lingerie! That always seems to cheer me up!

The laundry should be done soon, so I'll be able to leave in a few...

The dj on http://cyberjamz.com/live.php is the bomb right now!!!! I love these old school tracks he's spinning. The music is so intoxicating that I'm finding it hard to leave the house, I don't want to miss what he's going to do next. Thank goodness for the archives!

Hey Anonymous, I see you are haunting these pages around the same time I am...

I hate him!!!!!

2004-12-16T11:39:00.000-05:00

I fucking hate J! He is the biggest asshole known to mankind! I wish I didn't have to rely on him for anything! What the fuck! Just yesterday we had this huge knock down drag out fight about the whole treating me like I'm just a pretty pet with no life other than to serve him. I told him if he wanted that kind of relationship he would need to pay me way more money than what I currently get. Just covering the bills does not qualify that type of commitment on my part when he's already got a wife and two kids...When I already satisfy the desires that he can't even begin to tell them about. What the fuck! All week he's been telling me that he had a meeting today at 4, so I made plans to meet with my photographer at that time. J just called me and told me that he changed his meeting to 2 and I need to change my plans again! I hate him! I hate this life! I want die...Thank fucking god he goes away tomorrow for three weeks. He's given me enough money to last till the end of January, I may actually be able to get away from him while he's out of town. I just need to find a job...Easier said then done in this bankrupt city.

Didn't make it

2004-12-16T10:10:00.000-05:00

Till noon, but I have already made it three more hours than I usually do. It's a start.

To: Anonymous

2004-12-16T09:52:00.000-05:00

Anonymous said...
I have become addicted to your thoughts. Its almost like I can feel you and your pain. I think that your hell is not unlike my own and to that I relate. I feed on what your write and live through your thoughts and desires.

It's nice to know that someone out there gets me...If you feed on my thoughts and desires check this out. http://home.comcast.net/~urs912/

Something New

2004-12-16T08:30:00.000-05:00

I've decided to try something a little new with my life, I'm going to quit smoking pot before noon, that's a good start, and then slowly I'm going to just try to do away with my need for this wacky weed. I've got to much to do, to many things to accomplish, and I'm not getting anywhere at this current pace. So, I'm going to try to change things up a bit, besides, I've got almost a full bottle of xanax to help regulate me. Fuck I wish that I just had health insurance so that I could get all of the meds that I need, the adavan(sp) helps a ton, I wish that I had more of those. I really do need something to regulate this depression, anxiety, and of course my ADD. It's funny as I sit here discussing the fact that I'm going to quit smoking early, the bong is calling my name, it's only inches from the computer, right where I left it last night when I was working on a story.

"Smoke me!" It's screaming at me!

I will not cave into this temptation though, I've got to get out of the house and get shit done today! This is all easy to say now since the adopted one isn't here, but the minute she walks in the door she's going to holler at me, "Let's roll one before work."

I'll just have to stay strong. It's weird trying to write without having smoked first. It's taking me three times longer to get out each thought because of all of the mumbo-jumbo in my head. It's like someone is sitting on the remote control and the channels are just flipping by at hyperspeed.

CONCENTRATE BITCH!

I need to find someone that can teach me how to put music on my blog and on my website. I woke up to Destiny's Child, "Survivor", on MTVJ this morning, I wanted it to be my theme song for today. That would be cool, to be able to change the music to match my mood everyday. I guess I need to learn how to write HTML. Probably would do me a world of good in this day and age. That will be one of the first classes I take when I go back to school. Fuck what am I going to go to school for? I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, other than the president and a well known novelist. I guess Political Science should be my major then...Or maybe I'll go to law school. I've decided to take everything that I can get right now. J is crawling on his knees to please me right now, offering me anything that I want. Promises of love I've heard before, so...I'll take what I can get and not involve my emotions.

I'm beyond scattered at this point in my life, I've moved onto shattered.

Dumped again

2004-12-15T20:42:00.000-05:00

Well, I predicted correctly about J. He came over this morning and broke up with me. Stating that I have been a difficult bitch since before Halloween and he can't understand why, he said that I have done nothing to try to change things...Matter of fact he thinks that I made them much worse by dumping him around Thanksgiving. I was read the riot act about how ungrateful I am, how I should be nicer, drop the edge, stop acting like a whore. He handed me a huge wad of cash and said that it was over. I just stared at him blankly. I knew this was coming, I had predicted it to the adopted one on the way to work...Only thing is, he made up with me at hyperspeed, kind of like everything else in my life. Why does everything happen so quickly in my life? Anyway, within 15 minutes of him trying to dump me, he was begging to come back later. I had told the adopted one that I thought it would take him a week to come crawling back. I know that he will never find anyone as perverse as I am in his world and that is what he needs with me...Depravity.

Comments

2004-12-15T20:32:00.000-05:00

My king, if you were to show me your true self, I would never run, for I love you deeply. Take your leathery wings, enfold me in your darkness, rake your talons down my naked back, use your fangs to taste my flesh, my blood. Yes, I would tremble before you, but you are my king and have always invoked reverence in me. I feel your darkness, I feel your true being, I always have...I have tapped into your energy in the past and I continue to do it now. I give my self to you so that you may destroy all that was and allow me to rise again like the great phoenix from the flames of your destruction. For that has been our cycle for all of eternity. I give to you all that I am and all that I will be. I will you to share your true nature with me, I know that you will command me once again to go away, but you should know by now that I can not. I am bound to you for all eternity. I am bound to your darkness, bound to be a part of it, for darkness and cruelty is all I have known. I have been your slave for centuries, your lost queen, the one who suffers along side of you in the dead abyss. Have you not felt me by your side? Have you not noticed that things haven't been quite so lonely? Have you not noticed that I have tried to obey every one of your commands? Has my scent disappeared already? I know it has not, I know that my smell still drives you insane. I know that you feel my heart beating next to yours at night, I know that you hear me call your name, I know that this is killing you as much as it is me. So with all of this in mind, know that I could never fear you, I may tremble, I may lose my step for a second, but fear could never exist in regards to you. No matter how deep in the darkness you dwell.

That smell

2004-12-15T13:28:00.000-05:00

You mentioned that everything I have ever given you has a specific scent to it. I smelled it today so strongly as I was picking out my clothes, thinking of you...as always. The smell of my essence lingers still as I sit here typing. Its intoxicating isn't it?

Bound

2004-12-15T12:30:00.000-05:00

Is this a fantasy or something that really happened? As I remember it, you are bound to me by blood from so long ago, long before this life and your wife, long before the order. We sat by the side of the barn after having pricked our fingers with the rose thorns we pressed our wounds together mingling our blood, making a bond that would keep us together throughout all of eternity. The blood that runs through your veins is also pumping through mine. We have been bound to each other for years. Longer than this life, longer than the last twenty lives, we have been each other's mutual slave. We have existed in each other's realm for centuries past, to end the cycle we must consummate our love once again. We always choose to live in the dark, in the pain, maybe to end the cycle we must jump blindly into the light.

Who are you?

2004-12-15T11:42:00.000-05:00

That I have fallen so hard and so deeply for so many years?
Who are you?
That you have held my heart, my soul, and my very essence captive?
Where do you reside in this world?
Where do you fit in?
Where do I fit in?
Do we fit at all?
Is it even possible for the world to process beings such as ourselves?
So consumed with our own passions our own lusts, our own secrets.
That we aren't capable of sharing with each other or the world.
We have become selfish in our later lives,
cruelty rules all that we do now,
we have known nothing other than this life this darkness.
Pain resides deep inside where love should have found a place
all of those years ago
when we were young and innocent
under the guidance of people we should have been able to trust
we were plundered
we were twisted,
our goodness was taken away and replaced
with anger and bitter thoughts.
When first we were brought together the world shuddered
knew that something great had become of us.
The world could not accept that greatness
We were ripped apart
sent to opposite ends of the world
left to fend for ourselves
through terrible loneliness
terrible thoughts
terrible actions by others.

This life...

2004-12-15T09:08:00.000-05:00

This life that I have is going to end up being the death of me soon. I can't stand going on like this anymore, being cut off from you again is more than I can handle. I've read your new site...How much of it's true?

Watched that movie "Secretary", last night with the adopted one. She had never seen it before, but did end up thoroughly enjoying it. Of course the movie made me think of you, but then again, I can't look at anything without thinking of you. You have consumed me completely and I can't find my freedom from you and your memories. Everything is so much pain now, all of the happiness has been taken away by a cruel succubus who comes to me through the computer to steal what's left. Everyday a little more cruelty is inflicted. Everyday I start a new chapter of pain. What am I to do? I tried to prove to you that you are the only one for me, I tried to show you that only you have that power over me. If only it were as simple as in the movie, sitting at a desk not moving a muscle for days till you come to rescue me...But I know now that I will never be the one you are rescuing. I'll have to find a new master. I don't know if that is possible though. I have already signed my soul over to you, I have already given all of me to you, I am already possessed by your being, consumed by your very soul, so many years ago. Why do you think I searched for you for so long? Why do you think that I never really settled down? My soul already belonged to a master, whom I had lost and was desperately searching for. You think that by pulling away you are making it easier? You are so wrong my king. It may be a little easier for you and your family, but for mine...It's getting to be too hard. Everyday I fight the urge to drive my car off of a bridge into one of the many frozen rivers around here. Considering where I live, I'm presented with this opportunity about 30 times a day, that takes a lot of will power when you really don't want to live. I keep trying to remember what it was like to be happy...I don't think there has ever been a time that I have truly been happy, other than when you first answered my email. Remembering that can be way too painful...

I've got to drive the adopted one to work in a few. I better put on some warm clothes, there is a ton of snow out there today!

Trouble is brewing

2004-12-14T20:30:00.000-05:00

I have gone above and beyond in my absolute cruelty to J. I haven't kissed him, I haven't caressed him, it has only been rough and painful for him since he came back to town. I haven't been able to behave properly, I have been down right defiant and rude to him. Demanding money, not fucking him and then tossing him out of my house. I think that we've fucked 10 times since he's been home...He's used to getting it 2-3 times a day from me. I can't do it though, I'm disgusted with my life, with myself for what position I have allowed myself to get into, and all because I'm weak. Yes, I am tired of being alone, I'm tired of struggling for every last scrap, I'm tired of fighting for my independence...So I gave in and I tried to let him take control of every aspect of my life, but there is a huge piece missing, I don't love him, and I never will. Money isn't happiness...It took me all this time to finally figure it out. I think it also helped quite a bit that you choose worldly things over me, but that's neither here nor there. As you have said repeatedly, I don't understand. I guess I never will either.

When he left today he was in a rare mood. I don't think he will be coming back again...But of course, he is addicted to my sex, so, who really knows what will happen. He told me today that ever since right before Thanksgiving I haven't been the same. I wonder why? He was trying to figure out what happened to me that made me change my outward appearance so much, all I can say is that it's the holidays...They always get me down. This year is going to be particularly hard, I was so looking forward to spending them with you. Breakfast at Tiffany's...Snowy mornings and hot chocolate. Why do I torture myself with these memories of promises that will never come true? Why do I continue along this path? Why do I long to still hear your voice? I really should get my shit together...Try to go out and find a job. It's so hard in this city though...Everything is bankrupt and I've got a record. Those two things don't really go hand and hand so well.

Hate

2004-12-14T13:04:00.000-05:00

Hate is a harsh word my king...I told you before, I will never hate you. I am upset...I'm processing everything. It's either fucking or cutting...I don't need anymore scars but if I don't get some real rough bang my head off the wall and knock me out sex, I may be forced to cut myself to release the pain.

Just heard Eminem's new one, "Mockingbird", it brought tears to my eyes. Listening to the words brings up so much pain, so many memories, how many children have had to suffer through their parents addictions and the horrible consequences it brought with it.

Conversation with Sarah-do

2004-12-14T12:28:00.000-05:00

Sarah-do says: Hey there
Sarah-do says: snowed in?
Sarah-do says: pooooooooooooooooooooooo
U says: nope...I was out earlier, but now I'm getting ready for J
Sarah-do says: how is everything with you?
U says: I have a mask on my face...I look like smurfette
U says: falling apart again.
U says: jd has stopped talking to me again
U says: so now, I'm all alone again
U says: I hate this
U says: men suck
Sarah-do says: but I thought he broke your heart - why would you let him back in?
U says: because I adore him
U says: I would let him in again and again and again till I die
U says: fuck, my face is dry...I need to go wash this shit off and get ready to be the pretty pet all over again.
Sarah-do says: you are a masochist, I guess
Sarah-do says: do you like your life?
U says: I am beyond masochist at this stage...I am pain
U says: no I hate it
U says: but what am I to do?
U says: I can't find a real job because of my record
Sarah-do says: Oh U, I don't know. Sometimes I guess I feel you embrace the pain in life because you feel it is you
U says: and besides, smoking dope, drinking wine, working on the book, and getting fucked isn't that horrible
U says: it is me
Sarah-do says: no it's not. not at all
U says: haven't you figured that out after all of these years
Sarah-do says: yes, but I guess I have been trying to figure out if people can really change
U says: look, I send my husband to NY with girls blowing him in the car...I send J to FL with other girls...
Sarah-do says: like me - can I change to be the person I dream I am
U says: no, people don't change
U says: essentially we stay the same, yes the outside appearance changes to please others, but inside, we always remain the same
Sarah-do says: yeah, I feel that way - - but I have hope I am wrong about myself
U says: we are all chameleons, able to blend in when needed
Sarah-do says: that is true - but maybe there is a way to bring out better qualities of myself - like the determination I use to feel when I was younger
U says: if you dream you are a certain person...Innately that is who you are, Sarah, you have been hiding your true identity all of these years, always trying to be the chameleon
Sarah-do says: who am I then?
U says: you try to please to many people
U says: that's for you to figure out my love
U says: I am pain
U says: what are you?
Sarah-do says: I am forgiveness
U says: I have a giant black cloud that has dominated my entire life, I have known nothing other than rejection and sadness, I am always those things
U says: yes you are...
U says: so are you and Smiles talking again?
Sarah-do says: that was the first thing that came to my mind
U says: I know it did
U says: shit...I got to wash this off...My face feels like it's cracking
Sarah-do says:
no - but I will soon. I needed a little time to let the embers die down inside me
U says: understandable
U says: I have to go
U says: J is going to be here soon and I'm still blue
Sarah-do says: ok - blue bunny
U says: don't make me laugh...Face is cracking
Sarah-do says: I am going to NYC this weekend - shopping and retreat to concrete
U says: wish I could go...But I have the girls Sat/Sun...I was going to try to go on Monday
U says: J will be FL with his family

Running Away

2004-12-14T08:54:00.000-05:00

Wouldn't it be nice to just run away from all of it? I'm sure plenty of people have thought this way before...Hell, we wouldn't have all these escape plans otherwise. Anyway after this:
http://dorchadas.blogspot.com/2004/12/closing-of-things.html

All I want is to crawl in a deep dark hole and never come out. You say I speak of things that I don't understand, well babe, maybe if you would have been a bit more forthcoming since we started speaking again, maybe I would be able to understand everything. Instead you lied, over and over again, and when I would beg you to be honest with me, you would insist that you were. So Dorchadas, take your best shot at me, I'm going to be gone before you know it. I told you once before that I would give you anything that you asked for. So, you have asked to be left alone...alone, yes all alone, and yes, you've got it. I'm tired of getting stepped on by you, I'm tired of you not trusting in us enough to tell me everything, I'm tired of you kicking me around like a wonderful idea, but something that isn't real. Am I only a fantasy? Do I not really exist? I think I see myself when I'm looking in the mirror, but maybe it's someone else, maybe I'm just a medium for everyone else pain in life.

I tried to get with the dj last night, I needed to get fucked so bad. I wanted to be thrown around like a rag doll after I read that shit. I wanted to be beaten, pinched, tied down, and tormented for hours. I wanted to see blood running down my naked body. I wanted to be dominated if only for a few hours...But, I smoked too damn much and passed out before he called me back. So instead of forgetting about it all, the words kept tormenting me all night long.

How?

2004-12-13T21:43:00.000-05:00

How do you go about ending things yet again? You gave me hope only to take it away again...this is cruel. As you were writing your closing I was writing my confusion.

Not only did you give me pain, but you gave me great joy as well, so now I will have neither.

Confused

2004-12-13T13:39:00.000-05:00

I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't want to be the cause of your pain anymore than you want to be the source of mine, and yet, we are drawn into each other even more. I love talking to you on messenger, I love that you can see all of my thoughts even when I'm not saying it...I wish that you could have a camera where you are, but I'm sure it's forbidden, but then why isn't the computer forbidden? I'm sure there are plenty of things that I just don't understand. My king is there ever going to be a way for us to be able to fully share all of our knowledge? We were all over the board today in our conversations...my ADD is working overtime with the holidays and the stress...sorry about that. I didn't mean to be such a bitch and call you weak, but look at it from my shoes for a minute.

I have always respected you. I always saw you as this great individual who would always have the world by the balls, willing to jump into anything if you thought the experience would benefit your life, I always saw you in control. I never saw someone behind the scenes...I only saw you as the source of your strength. I'm sorry I was so hurtful. I meant every bit of what I said today...I thought this last bit was poignant in my confusion.

U says: r u still there?
jd says: yes
jd says: one min
jd says: baby
U says: what my king
jd says: i wanted so much to give you the world but it has been stolen (at this point the camera has been turned off and the tears just start pouring down my face. I don't need to be brave anymore.)
jd says: what kind of happiness can i give you
U says: i don't know right now, but there has got to be some way we can spend some time together somewhere I need you I need to fulfill this thing that is us even if it has no begining and no end even if it's just this fleeting moment in time of pure happiness. I just need to know that what I feel is real that it isn't some kind of sick twisted fantasy I've been living in i need it more than I need air right now. I do hurt when I think about us but it does hurt so good in so many ways and always, there is this hope that one day things will change either I'll know it was a fantasy, or, it will have been confirmed that there really is a higher power that comes when you are happy and in love even if for a second in time.
U says: jd?
jd says: ok
jd says: i was reading
jd says: what you wrote
jd says: i have to go
U says: ok

I have to get my shit together and go mail my mom her things...